Getting real now

Boeboe asked me tonight if I've ever had to have a surgery. I grabbed the opportunity with both hands to answer some of her questions and laid some of her fears to rest, I hope. But it also made it all too real for me. Talking about how she's going to be sleepy after the anaesthesia, how there's going to be drips and monitors and pipes all over her, how she has to tell the nurse when she is in pain or need something...it's all too real now. And too much of a reminder of when her ill, tiny newborn body was laying in the same hospital, fighting for every breath with monitors and pipes all over her.

I know we have to do this. I know we're doing the right thing. But it doesn't make it any easier. After our conversation, Boeboe said she's looking forward to having it done, so that the accidents can stop now. I did warn her it's going to take some time, and that we may not see a 100% improvement. It broke my heart over the past few weeks, every time she said she wished she didn't have to have this problem. I also wish that, my daughter, I also wish that. With all my heart. I don't understand why it had to be her. I wish I could take this burden from her. I wish she could be the free spirited, happy little girl she was, and that I believe she was supposed to be. But that's gone for now. She's soooo unhappy these days. Sooooo sad. Not at all the little girl we know and love. I miss my lively, happy, excited little girl that was always jumping, running and screaming with joy. I know, she's gaining wisdom, maturity and strength with what she's facing every day. But I'd much rather prefer her to be free spirited and happy and innocent of such burdens.

The neurosurgeon's receptionist phoned me. They've organised with our medical aid (insurance) for a pre-op day in hospital. So Boeboe's going in on the 13th of April already. Directly after school. First seeing the doctor for a final, last check-up. Then settling into the children's ward, awaiting surgery early on Thursday morning, the 14th. After surgery she'll go to ICU for probably 1 night, and then move back to the children's ward. The doctor thinks she's going to spend another 3 nights in the children's ward, maybe even 4. But I see children gets released much quicker than that after surgery like this, so I'm hoping Boeboe too will only need 2 or 3 nights in hospital in total. As it is, I don't know how my 3-year old is going to cope without me. He cries when I'm not there when he wakes up. Even when his beloved granny is with him...:( He refuses to let anyone else do things for him...help him on the toilet, pour his cooldrink, kiss his "einas" better, etc. I know it can't be helped, but I'm worried about him too.

And, of course, I'm getting scared beyond my wits now for Boeboe. But I'm also looking forward to getting this behind us. It's the end result of many months of researching for answers. It's almost 15 months now since I started to suspect that Boeboe may have an occult tethered cord. The amount of hours of research I've put into this...it's unbelievable. Worth every minute though.