Yesterday, 2 years ago, Boeboe was operated on for her occult tethered cord. Since Saturday, I've been having flashbacks and I'm surprised that it still hurts so much 2 years later. You'd think that after all we've been through, how much we gained because of the operation, that I'd see it as a good thing. That I'd remember it fondly and with happiness and gratefulness.
But I can't. I remember when my little girl was 4 and we thought her naughty. I remember holding her down screaming in terror while they did some tests on her. I remember her having anaesthesia for the umpteenth time, scared out of her mind. So they gave her dormicum to calm her down and make her sleepy. It made her high! She was so funny. I remember sitting in front of the PC (before I had a laptop), in the freezing cold, 1am in the morning, blanket wrapped around me, my hands blocks of ice. Reading up on tethered cords and people's experiences with it. Night after night after night. Wanting nothing more than to find a way to help get my daughter diagnosed.
I remember contemplating selling our car, so that we could afford tickets to America so that we can see a specialist there. I remember crying desperately, wishing my mom was still alive. Because I didn't know how to get through it all without her. I remember my 7-year old daughter jumping up and down in joy, when I asked her if she wants te wear nappies full time. I remember sitting in one doctor's office, looking at his eyes filled with tears, refusing to cry with him, when he begged me not to let anyone cut my baby open. I remember looking at my daughter with such pride when she laid completely still for the MRI. Apparently, the technician has never had a child that young, lay that still, for that long.
I remember a doctor looking me in the eye, telling me that both me and my daughter are lying. I remember looking back, in his eyes, telling him we're not. And for him to discard that as easily as I did when my daughter was 4 and told me she "can't feel it". I remember this same doctor eating his own words when he saw her test results. It made me feel empty, not happy as I thought it would. Because I'd rather he was right.
I remember my daughter saying No no no no when they gassed her for the operation. I remember sitting in the waiting room. Another waiting room. So many, many waiting rooms. They're all the same. Cold. Empty.
I remember forcing myself to eat. To drink. Eyeing where the nearest bathroom is, because I thought I'm going to vomit. I remember my surprise and relief when they wheeled her back from theatre, and she wasn't just okay, she was wide awake and alert. I remember my elation when she asked me what's around her big toe. We were so scared that she'd loose feeling in her legs. I remember the moment she said her head hurts. The way my stomach dropped in my feet. It was the one thing I didn't want her to go through. I had experienced epidural migraines. I couldn't face thinking my baby had to go through that.
I remember her being violently ill. I remember our panick when the nurse couldn't get hold of the doctor. I remember the pastor coming into the room. He brought peace with him. I remember knowing that now she'll be alright, once he prayed for her.
I remember the days and nights spent on that awful chair next to her bed. I remember feeling guilty for not playing with her more. For not entertaining her every second. But I was in robot-mode. I could barely keep it together for myself. I had nothing more to give after days and days. I remember seeing my sister walk into the hospital room, and the lightness she brought. I remember her contagious happiness. I remember the way she got my daughter to stand and walk for the first time days after the operation.
I remember how Monkeyman missed his sister. I remember how even Mr N admitted to missing Boeboe. I remember how happy they were when they were at the hospital. As if their world were complete. I remember trying to play ball with them at home. Laughing, joking, teasing them, being happy. I remember it all being fake. I remember the tears in my eyes they didn't notice. I remember the pain in my heart they knew nothing about.
I remember my daughter being in so much pain, that she didn't move an inch for 72 hours. I remember the bedsores on her back, bum, heels. I remember how it hurt when they had to turn her around to rub them. I remember how she screamed when they had to take the IV out. I remember my daughter being so scared and alone in the ICU bed on that first night. I remember saying goodbye to her. I remember walking out of the hospital, leaving her alone there. Exactly as I did when she was a tiny newborn in NICU. I remember feeling exactly as guilty.
I remember too much. I can't isolate the hurt and pain, from the happiness and elation. I remember the relief when she had her first dry night after the operation. I remember the elation when she asked to go to the bathroom that first time. I remember the stress falling away while walking to the car, my daughter being pushed in the wheelchair. I remember walking into the house with her, 9 days after we left it together. I remember it all. Every emotion. Every feeling. It's too much. Two years down the line, and it's still too much. So yes, I remembered it all this past weekend, on the 2 year anniversary. But it still hurts. I wonder how long will it keep on hurting?
Monday, April 15, 2013
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Life as a SAHM with four children
For those that doesn't frequent forums, SAHM means Stay at Home Mom. So yeah, that's what I am. Apparently it's not politically correct in English speaking countries to say "Full time mommy" which is the direct translation of my job in my home tongue "voltydse mamma". Full time mommy apparently implies that someone that might be working, isn't a full time mommy. (Geez, but people are sensitive! But that's a story for another day.) So yeah, I'm a SAHM, as opposed to a Working Mommy, or WAHM meaning Working from Home Mom. I just wondered...if Full time mommy implies a working mommy isn't a full time mommy, does that mean Working Mommy implies that a stay at home mom isn't working?
So, what's life like as a SAHM, you ask? BUSY. But of course, that's not the perception out there. Let me describe what I think most people (including my husband sometimes!) think life's like for a SAHM like me:
9:00 Wake up refreshed to find a happy toddler playing. Baby is still asleep blissfully.
9:15 Eat leisurely breakfast, probably eggs on toast or bacon ommelette. Surf the net or watch tv or read.
10:00 Baby wakes. Give her milk and change her nappy.
10:20 Play with Baby and toddler.
10:45 Give baby breakfast cereal.
11:00 Bath - lay in bath until water gets cold and all stress is gone from the body. Toddler is happily playing with his toys and baby coo's in her cot at her mobile.
11:30 Put baby to sleep. She's so tired, it only takes 5 min.
11:35 Play with toddler.
12:00 Spend some time on a hobby or something like surf the internet, read, watch some tv shows I've taped. Inbetween teach toddler some new concepts through play.
13:00 Get toddler and baby ready and fetch eldest children from school (comes out at 13:30).
13:45 Get back, make all children lunch and put baby to bed. She's obviously very tired again and again only takes a few minutes to fall asleep. :-)
14:30 Watch some tv shows while the kids do their homework quietly with little help needed from me. Toddler quietly plays with his toys.
16:30 Tell the kids to go play outside, give baby milk and while she's playing contendly with her toys, I start dinner in peace and quiet. Uninterrupted.
17:00 Tell kids to take a bath each, helping toddler to wash and dry, tell kids to get their school clothes and books ready and do their house chores, while I pack the dishwasher and finish dinner. They listen and do as they're told each and everytime. Of course, I'm a SAHM so my kids should be well behaved and disciplined, not true?
18:00 Put a delicious, healthy dinner for my family on the table and see how they scoff it all down, even the vegetables.
18:30 Give baby some mashed up dinner to fill any hungry pans left after giving her some of our dinner to eat as fingerfood.
19:00 Bath baby.
19:15 Spend some time with the kids, playing Uno or something.
20:00 Put all 4 kids to bed, read stories, pray, give milk, sort out chronic medications, etc.
20:30 Make hubby his well-deserved cup of coffee and put my feet up, watching some tv shows with him.
23:00 Go to bed relaxed, happy and looking forward to an uninterrupted night of SLEEP.
When, in fact, it rather goes like this......
0:30 Get woken up by hungry baby looking for some milk.
0:40 Put baby down, thanking my lucky stars she only drinks 5-10min at night. Try to fall back asleep, if I can just stop my head racing with all that happened the previous day.
5:00 Get woken up by hungry baby looking for her milk. Listen to the birds sing. Praying it won't keep baby up.
6:45 Get woken up by hubby's alarm. Turn around and try desperately to sleep some more, silently praying it won't wake baby up too.
7:15 Hear the garage door open and (silently again) say goodbye to hubby and the 2 school-going children
7:30 Get woken up by baby, give her milk. Put her back next to me in her cot (open side pushed against my bed). Hold her hand, willing her to sleep just a liiitttllleee bit more.
7:45 Hear toddler wake up and go into sittingroom to watch tv and play on daddy's iPad
8:00 Wake up to alarm and a cooing baby
8:10 Jump into bath, QUICKLY because baby is lying in cot playing with some toys and won't be happy for more than 5 minutes
8:20 Dress baby
8:30 Make breakfast as quickly as possible, call toddler to come and eat. Eat own cereal while shoving cereal into baby's mouth. Realise she's not hungry enough yet.
8:45 Quickly swallow down too hot coffee (or already-gone-cold coffee), throw toddler's school lunch in his bag, check that his jacket is still inside.
8:50 Make sure baby doesn't want some more milk. Brush toddler's teeth and yell at him to quickly get dressed. Yell at intervals of 3 min for him to hurry up and to remember his shoes.
9:00 Put baby in carseat. Make sure toddler has put his car seatbelt on. Pack bags into car. Lock doors. Hurry off to playschool.
9:15 Sit in at playschool, trying to be encouraging for toddler to participate and not be so shy. Catch up with another mommy friend on some much needed adult conversation. Holding (heavy!) baby in arms all the time.
10:00 Greet toddler who's now happy for me to leave him there.
10:20 Give baby cereal again when we get home.
10:40 Give baby milk if she wants. Trying to read what's up on the baby forums I frequent on the internet, while baby feeds.
10:50 Put baby to bed. This means, hold her, rock her, say shhhhh, rock her some more, sing a bit, hold dummy, stop her from arching her back screaming because of reflux, rub arm where her head has hurt it while she arched her back, rock some more, say shhhhh, rock some more, pick the dummy up she threw down, rock some more, give some telement in the hope that she'll suck the dummy, rock some more, sigh in relief when she falls asleep.
11:20 Hold baby for 10 minutes to make sure she goes into a deeper sleep.
11:30 Put baby down with a big sigh of relief. Start cleaning up the sittingroom, grab a much needed glass of cooldrink and a quick snack. Read email and quickly surf the net for all of 10 minutes, posting a few posts on baby forums.
12:00 Baby wakes up. Give milk, change nappy and play with her.
12:30 Pack dishwasher and clean kitchen while baby plays in her pram or sitting in the donut. Hurry, because she won't be happy for too long.
12:45 Drink a 2nd glass of fluid, berating myself for not making time to drink the 2liter I need for breastfeeding. Grab something to eat again. Make baby's lunch. Eat and drink while feeding baby's lunch. Hurry, because we're running late for playschool. Steal 2 minutes to quickly check what's going on at the baby forums I chat in.
13:00 Fetch toddler from his school. Ooing and aahing about what he did at school. Talk a bit to his teacher and any other mommies picking up their toddlers.
13:30 Pick eldest 2 kids up from their school. Berating one for forgetting something, while praising the other for doing well in a test or something. Trying to concentrate on the road with a moaning baby that's tired again, toddler and his sister laughing hysterically at something and Mr N trying to tell me something important.
13:50 Get home, trying to calm a baby who's overtired beyond belief already. Get a quick lunch ready, settle toddler in front of the tv with his lunch (squashing my guilt) and refill his cooldrink. Yell at the older 2 kids to only take a 10 minute break, and then start their homework while I put baby to bed.
14:10 Yell at kids who's still noisy, all the while giving baby her milk and browsing the internet. Multi-tasking rocks!!
14:30 Rock, shhhh, rock, pick up dummy, give more milk, rock, shhh, rock, shhh, sigh in relief.
15:00 Hold baby until she's in deeper sleep. Getting impatient to go and check up on toddler while stuck in room with baby.
15:10 Quietly slips out of room and calling daughter to the sitting room. Have a look at her homework. Trying to help where she struggles, encouraging when she looses hope, listening to her reading passages, quizzing her on tests, etc. In between, grab a sandwich and shove it down with a cup of coffee and making sure toddler is happily playing with his toys.
16:00 Fetch baby that woke up and change nappy. Give toddler a snack and refill cooldrink. Get some much needed cooldrink myself and quickly go to the bathroom.
16:15 Make sure poor toddler is still okay playing with his toys. Encourage daughter some more. Yell a bit because she's getting tired and lazy. Start dinner in between. Yell at eldest because he forgot to do some homework. Yell at toddler because he's kicking a ball inside the house. Continue dinner. Send boys outside to play ball.
17:00 Quizz daughter on some more homework, yell some more, yell at eldest because he forgot to tell me he needs clay and carton for school. Stop rice from burning. Rock baby because she's tired again. See if she wants some milk. Stop meat from burning. Cut some veggies up while talking animatedly with toddler and singing a song to keep baby happy.
17:30 Hurry daughter into and out of bath. Get eldest to go shower as well. Quickly bath toddler. Try to finish dinner. Send kids outside for some much needed fresh air (thank goodness for staying in a hot, dry, sunny part of our country!)
18:00 Finish dinner to a point where I can leave it for 30 minutes. Give baby milk and rock and hold her until she falls asleep. Hold her for 10 more minutes.
18:30 Dish up dinner. Sit and relax for about 10 minutes. Baby wakes up. Fetch her, try to finish eating luke-warm food before it's completely cold. Give baby something to eat while we eat.
19:00 Make baby mashed up dinner and give to her.
19:15 Clean kitchen, yell at daughter to do her chores (making lunch boxes for next day). Get son to make their drinks for next day. Throw a load of washing in the machine.
19:35 Bath baby.
19:50 Play a bit with kids if possible.
20:00 Get chronic medication ready. Make coffee. Put plates out for next morning's breakfast. Refill cooldrink for toddler, giving him his meds, brush his teeth, read story or get daughter to read him story. Pray with each child separately, say goodnight, tuck toddler in. Carry baby everywhere I go, because she's tired and doesn't want to play alone with toys. Can't put her in bed until all the other children are in bed, because their noise would wake her up.
20:30 Give baby her milk. Hold, rock and shhhh baby.
21:00 Hold baby until she's in deeper sleep.
21:10 Drink cold coffee. Clean sittingroom a bit. Make sure all 3 older kids are in bed and asleep (or reading in eldest one's case).
21:30 Sit down in front of tv. Watch a show while surfing the net.
21:50 Baby wakes up. Give her some more milk in the dark. Very boring.
22:00 Sit back down in front of the tv. Try to watch rest of show with hubby.
22:30 Toddler cries for some reason. Check up on him.
22:35 Sit back down in front of tv after getting a much needed cooldrink and snack.
23:00 Go to bed, surf the net or read.
24:00 Baby wakes up, drinks milk and refuses to sleep. Hold, rock, shhh baby.
1:30 Desperate by now, gives baby some more milk and finally she falls asleep.
5:00 Get woken up by hungry baby looking for her milk. Listen to the birds sing. Praying it won't keep baby up.
5:10 Sleep.
6:45 Get woken up by hubby's alarm. Turn around and try to desperately sleep some more, silently praying it won't wake up baby.
And so forth....
Now, add to that the following events in between:
Go to shops to find birthday gifts.
Grocery shopping.
Get milk and bread and fresh fruit.
Go to post office.
Put petrol in car.
Quizz son on exams.
Try and figure out what daughter has to learn for exams.
Do research for eldest's project on the internet.
Get cartons or glue from the shops because daughter needs it for school.
Play ball outside with toddler.
Build puzzles with toddler.
Play monopoly or Uno with older kids.
Clean house.
Vacuum.
Hang up or take clothes down from washing line. Fold washing. Iron.
Make beds, clean bedrooms, tidy toys, clean bathrooms, wash floors.
Answer the phone
Visit friends.
Watch a movie on tv. Watch my favourite soap.
Cook extra bunches of food to mash up for baby, to freeze.
Visit family.
Send emails. Do budget or any other admin like filling in forms or making some phone calls.
Visit dr because I have some issues since the last c-section. Go for a sonar. Take baby for her 6-month check-up at pead.
Sit and wait outside school for kids' afterschool activities to finish.
Teach baby to sit, crawl, talk, walk, eat, laugh, smile, everything.
Wash all 4 kids' hair.
Buy clothes, shoes or a new schoolbag for one of the children.
Etcetera. I'm too tired to even think about all the million other little things I do around the house, for the kids, for baby in particular, for hubby, for friends, and so on. All during the week, so that on weekends, we can relax and spend quality time together as a family.
So ya, that's my day. Hectic, busy, rewarding, wonderful, lively, active, frustrating, exhausting, and so forth. I love it! But I'm done. I honestly can't see where I would've fit a 5th child in. I always wanted 5, but I'm happy that we've done the sterilisation, because I'm at my limit. I don't regret any of my 4, but for me, personally, 4 is my limit. To add a 5th, would've meant cutting down on time spent on the other kids and my hobbies. And I don't think I would've liked that. I'm a bit of a perfectionist. And I find that it's not as easy anymore to be "the perfect mom" with 4 kids. I have to fall in the standard I request of myself, and that frustrates and saddens me. So for me, 4 is enough. I understand that some people would have 8 kids without feeling like I do. Just as I never felt like that after 2 kids, while other people told me how done they are, because it's just so busy and too much, having 2 kids. Every mom has their own limit. I'm so so happy I've reached mine. I would've always felt sad not to have another baby, if I didn't. I also wanted to say with conviction, that I'm done having babies. And now I can. And it makes me so happy. I would've always felt something missing. Now, I'm complete. My family is complete. Life is as busy as I can handle it, and it's lovely. I love every minute of it. I cherish it, because I know how quickly it passes. My oldest is almost a teenager. In little more than 6 years, he'll be leaving home. Way too soon. At least, I have another 18 years left of having at least one at home still. By which time, I'd probably be grateful to grow old in peace and quiet, LOL.
So, what's life like as a SAHM, you ask? BUSY. But of course, that's not the perception out there. Let me describe what I think most people (including my husband sometimes!) think life's like for a SAHM like me:
9:00 Wake up refreshed to find a happy toddler playing. Baby is still asleep blissfully.
9:15 Eat leisurely breakfast, probably eggs on toast or bacon ommelette. Surf the net or watch tv or read.
10:00 Baby wakes. Give her milk and change her nappy.
10:20 Play with Baby and toddler.
10:45 Give baby breakfast cereal.
11:00 Bath - lay in bath until water gets cold and all stress is gone from the body. Toddler is happily playing with his toys and baby coo's in her cot at her mobile.
11:30 Put baby to sleep. She's so tired, it only takes 5 min.
11:35 Play with toddler.
12:00 Spend some time on a hobby or something like surf the internet, read, watch some tv shows I've taped. Inbetween teach toddler some new concepts through play.
13:00 Get toddler and baby ready and fetch eldest children from school (comes out at 13:30).
13:45 Get back, make all children lunch and put baby to bed. She's obviously very tired again and again only takes a few minutes to fall asleep. :-)
14:30 Watch some tv shows while the kids do their homework quietly with little help needed from me. Toddler quietly plays with his toys.
16:30 Tell the kids to go play outside, give baby milk and while she's playing contendly with her toys, I start dinner in peace and quiet. Uninterrupted.
17:00 Tell kids to take a bath each, helping toddler to wash and dry, tell kids to get their school clothes and books ready and do their house chores, while I pack the dishwasher and finish dinner. They listen and do as they're told each and everytime. Of course, I'm a SAHM so my kids should be well behaved and disciplined, not true?
18:00 Put a delicious, healthy dinner for my family on the table and see how they scoff it all down, even the vegetables.
18:30 Give baby some mashed up dinner to fill any hungry pans left after giving her some of our dinner to eat as fingerfood.
19:00 Bath baby.
19:15 Spend some time with the kids, playing Uno or something.
20:00 Put all 4 kids to bed, read stories, pray, give milk, sort out chronic medications, etc.
20:30 Make hubby his well-deserved cup of coffee and put my feet up, watching some tv shows with him.
23:00 Go to bed relaxed, happy and looking forward to an uninterrupted night of SLEEP.
When, in fact, it rather goes like this......
0:30 Get woken up by hungry baby looking for some milk.
0:40 Put baby down, thanking my lucky stars she only drinks 5-10min at night. Try to fall back asleep, if I can just stop my head racing with all that happened the previous day.
5:00 Get woken up by hungry baby looking for her milk. Listen to the birds sing. Praying it won't keep baby up.
6:45 Get woken up by hubby's alarm. Turn around and try desperately to sleep some more, silently praying it won't wake baby up too.
7:15 Hear the garage door open and (silently again) say goodbye to hubby and the 2 school-going children
7:30 Get woken up by baby, give her milk. Put her back next to me in her cot (open side pushed against my bed). Hold her hand, willing her to sleep just a liiitttllleee bit more.
7:45 Hear toddler wake up and go into sittingroom to watch tv and play on daddy's iPad
8:00 Wake up to alarm and a cooing baby
8:10 Jump into bath, QUICKLY because baby is lying in cot playing with some toys and won't be happy for more than 5 minutes
8:20 Dress baby
8:30 Make breakfast as quickly as possible, call toddler to come and eat. Eat own cereal while shoving cereal into baby's mouth. Realise she's not hungry enough yet.
8:45 Quickly swallow down too hot coffee (or already-gone-cold coffee), throw toddler's school lunch in his bag, check that his jacket is still inside.
8:50 Make sure baby doesn't want some more milk. Brush toddler's teeth and yell at him to quickly get dressed. Yell at intervals of 3 min for him to hurry up and to remember his shoes.
9:00 Put baby in carseat. Make sure toddler has put his car seatbelt on. Pack bags into car. Lock doors. Hurry off to playschool.
9:15 Sit in at playschool, trying to be encouraging for toddler to participate and not be so shy. Catch up with another mommy friend on some much needed adult conversation. Holding (heavy!) baby in arms all the time.
10:00 Greet toddler who's now happy for me to leave him there.
10:20 Give baby cereal again when we get home.
10:40 Give baby milk if she wants. Trying to read what's up on the baby forums I frequent on the internet, while baby feeds.
10:50 Put baby to bed. This means, hold her, rock her, say shhhhh, rock her some more, sing a bit, hold dummy, stop her from arching her back screaming because of reflux, rub arm where her head has hurt it while she arched her back, rock some more, say shhhhh, rock some more, pick the dummy up she threw down, rock some more, give some telement in the hope that she'll suck the dummy, rock some more, sigh in relief when she falls asleep.
11:20 Hold baby for 10 minutes to make sure she goes into a deeper sleep.
11:30 Put baby down with a big sigh of relief. Start cleaning up the sittingroom, grab a much needed glass of cooldrink and a quick snack. Read email and quickly surf the net for all of 10 minutes, posting a few posts on baby forums.
12:00 Baby wakes up. Give milk, change nappy and play with her.
12:30 Pack dishwasher and clean kitchen while baby plays in her pram or sitting in the donut. Hurry, because she won't be happy for too long.
12:45 Drink a 2nd glass of fluid, berating myself for not making time to drink the 2liter I need for breastfeeding. Grab something to eat again. Make baby's lunch. Eat and drink while feeding baby's lunch. Hurry, because we're running late for playschool. Steal 2 minutes to quickly check what's going on at the baby forums I chat in.
13:00 Fetch toddler from his school. Ooing and aahing about what he did at school. Talk a bit to his teacher and any other mommies picking up their toddlers.
13:30 Pick eldest 2 kids up from their school. Berating one for forgetting something, while praising the other for doing well in a test or something. Trying to concentrate on the road with a moaning baby that's tired again, toddler and his sister laughing hysterically at something and Mr N trying to tell me something important.
13:50 Get home, trying to calm a baby who's overtired beyond belief already. Get a quick lunch ready, settle toddler in front of the tv with his lunch (squashing my guilt) and refill his cooldrink. Yell at the older 2 kids to only take a 10 minute break, and then start their homework while I put baby to bed.
14:10 Yell at kids who's still noisy, all the while giving baby her milk and browsing the internet. Multi-tasking rocks!!
14:30 Rock, shhhh, rock, pick up dummy, give more milk, rock, shhh, rock, shhh, sigh in relief.
15:00 Hold baby until she's in deeper sleep. Getting impatient to go and check up on toddler while stuck in room with baby.
15:10 Quietly slips out of room and calling daughter to the sitting room. Have a look at her homework. Trying to help where she struggles, encouraging when she looses hope, listening to her reading passages, quizzing her on tests, etc. In between, grab a sandwich and shove it down with a cup of coffee and making sure toddler is happily playing with his toys.
16:00 Fetch baby that woke up and change nappy. Give toddler a snack and refill cooldrink. Get some much needed cooldrink myself and quickly go to the bathroom.
16:15 Make sure poor toddler is still okay playing with his toys. Encourage daughter some more. Yell a bit because she's getting tired and lazy. Start dinner in between. Yell at eldest because he forgot to do some homework. Yell at toddler because he's kicking a ball inside the house. Continue dinner. Send boys outside to play ball.
17:00 Quizz daughter on some more homework, yell some more, yell at eldest because he forgot to tell me he needs clay and carton for school. Stop rice from burning. Rock baby because she's tired again. See if she wants some milk. Stop meat from burning. Cut some veggies up while talking animatedly with toddler and singing a song to keep baby happy.
17:30 Hurry daughter into and out of bath. Get eldest to go shower as well. Quickly bath toddler. Try to finish dinner. Send kids outside for some much needed fresh air (thank goodness for staying in a hot, dry, sunny part of our country!)
18:00 Finish dinner to a point where I can leave it for 30 minutes. Give baby milk and rock and hold her until she falls asleep. Hold her for 10 more minutes.
18:30 Dish up dinner. Sit and relax for about 10 minutes. Baby wakes up. Fetch her, try to finish eating luke-warm food before it's completely cold. Give baby something to eat while we eat.
19:00 Make baby mashed up dinner and give to her.
19:15 Clean kitchen, yell at daughter to do her chores (making lunch boxes for next day). Get son to make their drinks for next day. Throw a load of washing in the machine.
19:35 Bath baby.
19:50 Play a bit with kids if possible.
20:00 Get chronic medication ready. Make coffee. Put plates out for next morning's breakfast. Refill cooldrink for toddler, giving him his meds, brush his teeth, read story or get daughter to read him story. Pray with each child separately, say goodnight, tuck toddler in. Carry baby everywhere I go, because she's tired and doesn't want to play alone with toys. Can't put her in bed until all the other children are in bed, because their noise would wake her up.
20:30 Give baby her milk. Hold, rock and shhhh baby.
21:00 Hold baby until she's in deeper sleep.
21:10 Drink cold coffee. Clean sittingroom a bit. Make sure all 3 older kids are in bed and asleep (or reading in eldest one's case).
21:30 Sit down in front of tv. Watch a show while surfing the net.
21:50 Baby wakes up. Give her some more milk in the dark. Very boring.
22:00 Sit back down in front of the tv. Try to watch rest of show with hubby.
22:30 Toddler cries for some reason. Check up on him.
22:35 Sit back down in front of tv after getting a much needed cooldrink and snack.
23:00 Go to bed, surf the net or read.
24:00 Baby wakes up, drinks milk and refuses to sleep. Hold, rock, shhh baby.
1:30 Desperate by now, gives baby some more milk and finally she falls asleep.
5:00 Get woken up by hungry baby looking for her milk. Listen to the birds sing. Praying it won't keep baby up.
5:10 Sleep.
6:45 Get woken up by hubby's alarm. Turn around and try to desperately sleep some more, silently praying it won't wake up baby.
And so forth....
Now, add to that the following events in between:
Go to shops to find birthday gifts.
Grocery shopping.
Get milk and bread and fresh fruit.
Go to post office.
Put petrol in car.
Quizz son on exams.
Try and figure out what daughter has to learn for exams.
Do research for eldest's project on the internet.
Get cartons or glue from the shops because daughter needs it for school.
Play ball outside with toddler.
Build puzzles with toddler.
Play monopoly or Uno with older kids.
Clean house.
Vacuum.
Hang up or take clothes down from washing line. Fold washing. Iron.
Make beds, clean bedrooms, tidy toys, clean bathrooms, wash floors.
Answer the phone
Visit friends.
Watch a movie on tv. Watch my favourite soap.
Cook extra bunches of food to mash up for baby, to freeze.
Visit family.
Send emails. Do budget or any other admin like filling in forms or making some phone calls.
Visit dr because I have some issues since the last c-section. Go for a sonar. Take baby for her 6-month check-up at pead.
Sit and wait outside school for kids' afterschool activities to finish.
Teach baby to sit, crawl, talk, walk, eat, laugh, smile, everything.
Wash all 4 kids' hair.
Buy clothes, shoes or a new schoolbag for one of the children.
Etcetera. I'm too tired to even think about all the million other little things I do around the house, for the kids, for baby in particular, for hubby, for friends, and so on. All during the week, so that on weekends, we can relax and spend quality time together as a family.
So ya, that's my day. Hectic, busy, rewarding, wonderful, lively, active, frustrating, exhausting, and so forth. I love it! But I'm done. I honestly can't see where I would've fit a 5th child in. I always wanted 5, but I'm happy that we've done the sterilisation, because I'm at my limit. I don't regret any of my 4, but for me, personally, 4 is my limit. To add a 5th, would've meant cutting down on time spent on the other kids and my hobbies. And I don't think I would've liked that. I'm a bit of a perfectionist. And I find that it's not as easy anymore to be "the perfect mom" with 4 kids. I have to fall in the standard I request of myself, and that frustrates and saddens me. So for me, 4 is enough. I understand that some people would have 8 kids without feeling like I do. Just as I never felt like that after 2 kids, while other people told me how done they are, because it's just so busy and too much, having 2 kids. Every mom has their own limit. I'm so so happy I've reached mine. I would've always felt sad not to have another baby, if I didn't. I also wanted to say with conviction, that I'm done having babies. And now I can. And it makes me so happy. I would've always felt something missing. Now, I'm complete. My family is complete. Life is as busy as I can handle it, and it's lovely. I love every minute of it. I cherish it, because I know how quickly it passes. My oldest is almost a teenager. In little more than 6 years, he'll be leaving home. Way too soon. At least, I have another 18 years left of having at least one at home still. By which time, I'd probably be grateful to grow old in peace and quiet, LOL.
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