Philosophizing....

That's the first time I've learned how to spell that word...:)

I've been tobbing over a few issues the past few months. I do not have any answers yet. I don't think any of the issues really has any answers. There's no right or wrong answer. In the end, every family will have to do what they feel comfortable living with.

My first issue is (I'll discuss the others over time, in different posts): When is it acceptable to abort for medical reasons?

Before having children, I never thought about it much. When I was pregnant with the first 2 children, I was led by the gynae through a few tests. I didn't even fully comprehend what they were for. I knew one looked for Down Syndrome, and one for Open-Back (as it is called in my home tongue, in layman's terms). Aka...Spina Bifida. I never made any decisions about what to do if one of them turned out positive. I was mildly worried, like any would-be-mommy, and very relieved and happy when all tests were negative. Thereafter, I never gave it another thought. Why would I?

When I was pregnant for the 3rd time, I didn't even repeat all the tests. Because by this stage, I've realised how very very precious life is. How amazing it is. What a miracle each and every life are. We wanted this tiny life, no matter how perfect, or not so perfect, it turns out to be. Of course, when it turned out to be a beautiful, perfect little boy, we were joyous and humbled.

Ignorance is bliss they say. Yes. I can attest to that. For 5 years, I've ignored the facts. I lived in ignorance. And it was bliss. I didn't want to acknowledge that even after having a perfect little girl that conquered her difficult beginning, there could still, after all, be a problem. A defect. I decided she's just naughty. She's just difficult. It fitted in with her personality, so that must be it. She'll come all right. At some point, she'll just miraculously heal. She'll understand how things work. How to control one's bladder, bowels and feet. Like any normal, perfect little child.

When that didn't happen, after months, years, I realised I cannot ignore it any longer, and I took her to a doctor. That has been 2 years ago. Two long years of figuring out that my perfect little girl, has a defect. Something that has been with her, forever. Since she was just a tiny little speck. Barely bigger than an ant. Even from before any of the tests were done to determine if there were any defects.

So if these tests were able to see that defect, if it was as obvious as Spina Bifida. Would I have aborted? I like to believe No. I like to believe that I would not have been able to. You may say, but she doesn't have an open back. She doesn't have full blown Spina Bifida. Why worry about it? My answer to that... What difference does that make? Full blown Spina Bifida, or another neural tube defect. What difference does it make when the symptoms are so similar?

When a child is diagnosed with Spina Bifida, they determine the level where the back is open. The level where the defect is. That level, in many respects, would be an indication of what difficulties the child may face. Generally, the lower the defect, the less leg involvement. Bowel and bladder is almost always involved. So for a child with a very low lesion, you may find just a few symptoms involving the feet, as well as bladder and bowel.

Just like my daughter.

Should I have aborted my daughter? What if they said she had Spina Bifida, when I was pregnant with her. Should I have aborted then? No. A thousand times no. A million times no.

So if she shouldn't have been aborted, why should other babies with Spina Bifida be aborted? What if their only symptoms ever, would have been similar to my daughter's? Is that worth aborting a baby for? Because they're going to be like my daughter?

My daughter.... vivacious, spirited, beautiful, happy. My laughing little girl. When I think of her, in my mind's eye she's always laughing. Always. Her eyes are shining, her head thrown back, her whole body full of mirth, hair in disarray. This, is my daughter.

What if her defect would've been open, naked, visible to the eyes looking at the sonogram when she was a baby in my tummy. What if she, like so many, many Spina Bifida babies, was aborted? How empty would my life have been, without this beautiful, loving, kind being in my life. How much I would've missed. Her laughter, her warm hugs, her kisses. How sad would it have been, to have missed out on everything me and my daughter has shared together. How very, very sad. How sad for all the mommies who do have abortions. How very sad for what they miss out on.

Yes, they would've missed out on learning about catheters, and urodynamic studies, and physical therapy, and bowel programs and drynites and pull-ups and incontinence pads. They would've missed out on learning about AFO's and braces and other assisted-walking devices. They would not have to learn how to fit a wheelchair in the car. Or how to walk slowly so that your daughter can keep up. Or how your heart contracts when they have an embarrassing accident in public. Or how you want to cry when they fall and hurt themselves. The mommies that abort would never know about the heartache you experience when they wheel your child into surgery. Or when the pain medication hasn't taken effect yet.

They would also not know how strong these children can get. That they can smile at you when the nurse wheel them away from you. That they can lie so still during their umpteenth MRI that the images are near-perfect. That they can cry through-out another painful test they have to go through, just to afterwards smile at the nurse and say thank you, because the nurse have been kind and sympathetic.

Mommies who abort would never know how unique that baby was. How unique and special that smile can be. How precious those giggles and laughter can be. How excruciatingly beautiful the first time can be when they say "mommy". How many lessons such a little thing can teach you, as an adult. Lessons in patience. In love. Lessons in learning with what you can cope with. So much more than you believed of yourself.

Those mommies who abort, would never know how good it can feel to cuddle that tiny body, smell the baby smell on them, and realise that God trusted you, and only you, to take care of this very very special human being.

I feel so sorry for those mommies. So very sad for the lost moments. Moments of pure happiness. Moments of contentedness. Peace.

And then I realise how lucky I am. How grateful I am. That my daughter did not have an open lesion. A defect they could see on the sonar. That hers was hidden. So that I didn't have to make that awful, awful choice. How lucky am I. To be able to hug my child. That I can see her laugh. That I can get to know that beautiful, kind heart of hers. That I get to see her grow up. How lucky am I? :)