Happy New Year!

Goodbye 2012, hello 2013!!

What a year. And the world didn't end. ;-) For me, 2012 was a good year. A great year, in fact. My last and 4th baby was born. Safely, healthy and perfect. My second daughter. How happy can one be? Sometimes I think I'm ontop of the world, there's nothing more that could make me happier. And then something happens. Something like the birth of a child, and I realise now I'm as happy as one can be! It was a beautiful year. The first half was spent in a haze of nausea, but it was all worth it. Every second of 9 months of nausea. I see so many people comment online that "now their family is complete". That's how I feel. At long last, I can say that in all honesty. I have the children I wanted. I'm done with pregnancy and babies and having more children. Because I'm happy with those I have. I'm satisfied. I'm complete. I'm so so so grateful that I too could say that and mean it. I think if given unlimited funds and health, I could've and would've had more babies. But for what I was given, I'm very happy and grateful to have 4 children. And two of each. How blessed am I!

So 2012 was a good year. At the end of 2011, I was tired. I was nauseous. I was done for. The pregnancy came too quickly after Boeboe's operation and the 2-year long road I had to travel to get to that point. Even though 2011 was a good year, and turned out well, I couldn't face it. I couldn't see it and deal with it. But now I can. I can look back at both 2011 and 2012 and realise we had 2 good years. We have so much to be thankful for. Four healthy, beautiful, exceptional children. Each with their own difficult paths that they had to travel. But we travelled it step by step, with God as our lead, and we ended up in green pastures. I'm so thankful. For Boeoboe's operation. For the success it was. For the seizing of Mr N's epilepsy - holding thumbs! So far so good. Three months without medication and no seizures that we've noticed. For Monkeyman's improvement of school. For Peanut's birth. So much we're grateful for in 2012.

So what will 2013 bring? I hope it will be a quite year. An easy year. A non-medical year!! A year where we won't need to see specialists and doctors and hospitals and such. I know it's not possible. Boeboe and Peanut both need regular check-ups. But as long as it's just check-ups and nothing more. We can only pray and hope and believe that that would be 2013. And we'll take it day by day, enjoy Peanut's first year with her, and be a family of 6!!

I hope that everyone that frequent this blog will also have a wonderful, peaceful and good 2013. Happy New Year!!!

Not much news here. It's school summer holidays, and the kids went to visit their grannies for the week. All but the baby, of course. Sounds like they're having a lovely time! We got their report cards when the schools closed, and they both did really, really well. We're absolutely amazed at how much Boeboe improved. Not just improved, but excelled!!! She especially did well in her maths, which pleases us no end. If you can do maths, you can do anything in life! We're slowly accepting that all our worries about her were unfounded. She just needed time. There was too much pressure on her, too soon. She would've done better earlier if she was in school 20 years ago. But with today's fast pace and work overload, she needed more time to find her feet and get the work under her belt. I'm so grateful. Very very grateful.

Mr N also did well like always. Exceptionally well, and we're proud of him. He studied hard this year. But to be honest, what makes us prouder than his good marks, is the fact that he READS. He read the Harry Potter books in about 1 month, in between the exams!!! So he was only allowed to read evenings and a bit over the weekends when he was done studying. Still, he finished ALL 7 books in little over a month! What's really amazing to us, is not only the fact that these books have a total of over 3000 pages, but it's all in ENGLISH! That means, he read the books in his 2nd language, not his home tongue!!!! Translations of the books are available in his home tongue, but we've always believed it's best to read books (when possible) in the language it was written. So we decided long ago to wait until Mr N can read the books in English before giving it to him. A while ago he read a handful of Roald Dahl books. About 2 or 3 a week. So when he ran out, he asked me what can he read next. I scrolled through my Kindle books and said, well, what about the first Harry Potter? I just assumed it would take him weeks or months, by which time we'd have found some more books for him. Well, a few days later he declared it finished and asked if he could read the 2nd one! I never thought him ready for book 4 or 6 or 7, with all the sadness and violence in the books, but he flew through them and handled everything beautifully. We spoke about it a bit, and like me, the problem with him is that he's visual. He can handle reading the written word, but he can't handle seeing the same thing on TV. I was so happy about this, because I was secretly starting to think he's too sensitive for a boy his age. Now I know, it's just tv that upsets him. Though, now that he's read the books, he can also handle the movies. He just looks away on the worst parts, which is fine by me, since I too look away, LOL!

Monkeyman isn't doing so well. When I took him to the pead a few months back, we made the decision to take him off his reflux medication. He's been on it since he was 6 weeks old. He was never diagnosed via a ph study though. I took him for his 6-week checkup those days, and told the pead that I'm pretty sure he has reflux. Based on our family history of GERD, she put him on reflux meds and he immediately shown huge improvements. Since then, he's been on the medication. But most babies do actually outgrow their baby reflux. We just assumed that he wouldn't, because the elder 2 kids was diagnosed with GERD when they were 4 and almost 2. Which in children means they would never outgrow it. And with my GERD diagnoses, it seemed a given that Monkeyman thus also had GERD and not just baby reflux. Anyway, so me and the pead thought lets see if Monkeyman will be fine without his medication. Unfortunately, he's been off it for about 2 months now, and has had about 4 colds! Very light colds, but still. They all started with a painful throat, his voice croaks and then 2 days or so later he would have a runny nose for a day or 2. Then he'll be over it. So clearly his immune system works well, but the reflux is attacking his throat, making it a weak spot for germs. I'm pretty sure it's the reflux, because he usually gets about 1 or 2 colds a YEAR, and it's now summer in our country, when my children usually don't even get ill. So to get 4 colds in 8 weeks is severely abnormal for Monkeyman. We now have to make the decision to either just put him back on his medication, or give him a ph study first to see if and how bad he has reflux (GERD), or put him through a gastroscopy and check how his throat and stomach valve looks. He's the same age now as what Mr N was when he had his first gastroscopy. I'm loath though to put Monkeyman through yet another sedation. I'm a bit sad that it seems that Monkeyman too will be diagnosed with GERD. My poor kids. :-(

It's going well with Peanut. She still sleeps extremely well at night. Usually she has a 6-hour stretch, then a 3-4 hour stretch, then another 2 hour stretch at night. Bliss!! During the day she would mostly sleep well, but sometimes her naps are cut short and then she'll clearly not be happy until she can nap again. She's rarely difficult though. Even when tired, she would just moan a bit to let you know. She doesn't cry easily. I do try to anticipate her needs though, so she doesn't really have the need to cry. Her cues are very easy to read.

Here's some pics of the last month or so:

My big-eyed baby girl! She's a serious little thing, LOL.

But fortunately she does sometimes share her lovey smile with us!

Sleeping for the last time in her carry cot (in the caravan while we're camping).

Having fun in the sun!

Me and my gorgeous 2 little girls.

Drying off in the hot summer sun.

Our big monkeyman! He loves his glasses...

Boys playing together

Our absolutely gorgeous little "organpipes" (from the tallest to the smallest)

It's Christmas time!!!!

Adoring her little baby sister

Also loving his little sister

My beautiful babies

Mr N in the tree

Best Christmas prezzie I could ever have asked for

A tribute to my mother

I miss my mother. I always miss her this time of the year. Naturally. I wonder if one ever stop missing his or her parents? I was very close to my mom. People tend to think that if you lost a parent, you weren't that close to that parent. Because they can't imagine that it could happen to them. Loosing their parent. So if they're that close to their mom, it is simply unimaginable to loose her. Thus, you couldn't have been that close to yours, because the pain would be too much to bear.

Unfortunately for those that think like that....yes, you CAN be that close to your mom, and still loose her. And yes, sometimes, especially in the beginning, the pain IS too much to bear. But somehow, with the grace of God, I got through it. And still get through it. The pain is never gone. I have acceptance, yes. I don't cry anymore every time I look at a photo of her or think about her. But it's still a hole in my heart. It will always be a hole in my heart. But, 11 years down the line, it's bearable. The missing stays, though. It never gets any better. I still wish I could phone her and tell her about the horrible day I had. Or email her and get that twinge of excitement when I see there's a reply. I wish for her wise words to sooth me, her support to carry me through the hard times.

My mom was a very special person. Yes, I know, everyone says that. But as a person, as a human being, mine was really, really special. She had what we call in my mother tongue, a depth of spirit that was unequaled. I've never came across anyone else that had such depth, such soul, such beauty. She was an intellectual, and she understood human nature like no one else. She had empathy for the worst kind of human beings. Whereas I saw things and people as black and white, she saw them in shades of grey. She understood how I felt, but she had empathy for everyone. Good or bad. She could summarise people immediately and knew where they came from. She understood what shaped people.

These unique abilities made her the perfect highschool teacher. She didn't work in the normal school environment though. She went to teach the poorest of the poor. Communities that had very little to give. Very little support. Very little going for them. And she threw her whole weight behind her job. She gave everything. Her mind, her body, her soul. I can't remember much of the mourning service we gave her after her death. But what I do remember, was the beautiful words that her collegue spoke. You could hear how much he (they) valued her at the school. How much she meant to them. Professionally and personally. And how much they're going to miss her.

My mother loved music. Apart from her family and work, this was her big love. She loved Handle, Mozart, Beethoven, Chopin, Schubart, etc. All the big composers. For relaxation, she would lie down in the afternoons, and for an hour or two, she would put her music on loud and just gave herself over to the music. It calmed her. It restored her soul. I could never get into classical music like she did. Unfortunately. Her other hobby was sewing. She made most of my clothes, and allot of her own. She also loved to study. I lost track with the number of degrees and majors she got behind her name. She loved geography the most. When I think of her, I remember her sitting by her desk, plotting the topography maps laid out. She studied through the post. The number of times I went to her desk to kiss her goodnight.... such bittersweet memories. And flowers. I can't see a beautiful flower, without thinking about my mom. She loved, loved, loved flowers. ALL flowers. She planted as much as she could afford, and tended to them like a mother. She would adorn her home with them. She loved putting welcoming flowers in all the rooms for visitors. When I developed severe hayfever from flowers, she would pick those that affected me least, and put one or two in my room. She simply couldn't NOT welcome me home without a flower in my room.

And the sea. Waenhuiskrans, to be precise. That's where her heart was.

I wish she could see me and my children today. I wish she could hold my babies, and get to know them as little people. See how unique and special they are. She would've LOVED them, I know. She would've most definitely have had a very special relationship with Mr N, because he sees the world like I do, and my views made for lots of interesting conversations between me and my mom. She would've had the same with mr N. She also would've loved seeing Boeboe. My spitting image. How special would that have been for her, to see her own baby repeat in her granddaughter. She would've been so please to see me as a stay at home mom. And even more pleased if she saw I had 4 children. She too had four children. And she always thought that I wouldn't be able to have as many. Because times have changed and all that jazz. She would've loved seeing me defy the odds and be as bold as to go and get what I want. To make my dreams come true. It would've pleased her no end. All that she wanted for us, was that we would've turned out well-balanced adults who live productive and happy lives. It would've made her very proud to see that that was exactly what we all did, in the end. It would've also please her very much to see all of us living so close together as we're doing. To see us support each other, care for each other. She would've loved seeing the bonds that formed between her grandchildren.

I do believe that she's with us, always. That she DOES see them. That she does get to know them, even if it's not with us in body. But in spirit, I know she's with us. I feel her sometimes. And sometimes I can even feel her emotions. I know, that sounds strange. But it's what I feel. I miss her so much. She was my rock, my support. The one person that didn't care what I say or do. That was always there for me. That always understood me. I'm fortunate that my husband and sister covers some of the hole in me. But nothing can ever take her place. I loved her like I loved no other human being for 22 years, until I met my husband and had babies. For 22 years, my mother was my whole world. The horror of loosing her...it left a permanent scar on my heart.

It hurts me to think that one day, my children will also experience this pain. But I hope that like me, they would find peace after their mother's death. That they'd have acceptance. And that they too would think of me with love, respect, longing and a sense of all encompassing support and care. I hope that they'd get over the initial sharp pain of loosing me, and then find solace in the life I lead. That they too would know I was ready. That I had the life I chose. That I was happy and had no regrets.