To be grateful, or to be angry....

The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.  ~Eric Hoffer, Reflections On The Human Condition


To be grateful for the blessings in life, or to be angry for what has gone wrong...Is that the choice in life? How we look at things? Maybe that's the lesson we need to learn. To change our attitude, to change how we feel towards the things in our life that's not in our control. It's just so difficult, when dealing with everyday life, to be always grateful. But is that really expected of us? Is our God not a God of love, who understand when we get upset? That knows how difficult it is to be always grateful? Grateful that your babygirl only has the very very mildest form of a Neural Tube Defect. Not full-blown Spina Bifida. It could've been so much worse.

So in the same token, I should be grateful that Mr N only has Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy, and not one of the progressive types of epilepsy where the seizures attacks all cognitive functions. At least my boy's seizures will only attack his memory or something small like that. Not the areas in the brain which he needs to eat, to dress himself, to count, to even talk.

For that token, I should be grateful that we all have GERD. It could've been cancer. And we should be grateful to only have Gilbert's disease. It could've been a life-threatening liver disease. And I guess I should be very grateful that I have the slow form of Glaucoma. I could've been blind already.

Glaukoma.
Endometriosis.
Gilbert's Disease.
Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy.
Occult Tethered Cord Syndrome.
Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Gastro Esophageal Reflux Disease.

How many more diseases can one family take? My husband told me, after Boeboe's problems started, that we must take our baby son along to be checked out by all the specialists as well. Since our oldest son already has a diagnosis (epilepsy) and our daughter is in the process, why not cut to the chase and find out NOW what will be wrong with him. Hahahaha. It's funny. It's funny with a tear in the eye.

I'm tired. I'm tired of being grateful. Being thankful that Boeboe doesn't have full-blown spina bifida. Tired of being grateful that Mr N's medication is on such a light dosage. Grateful that Monkeyman's bloodtests only showed an iron deficiency. I'm tired of being grateful we ONLY give them each 2 types of medications each day. Grateful they're not dying. Grateful they have all their cognitive functions. Grateful. Thankful.

When do you stop being thankful, and just cry out at the injustice of it all?? When are you allowed to say WHY. WHY do they have ANY of these diseases? WHY my children. Why MY children? What did any of them do, to deserve this? What life will they have, with these diseases? Will it be good? Or will they cry out one day and ask WHY ME?

Sometimes, Boeboe already gets upset. When I tell her to come clean up the mess. Or go take a bath (for the 3rd time in one day). Then she'll moan, stomp her feet and scream "WHY"? Yes, why. Because you were dealt a raw deal, my child. Because life isn't being kind to you at the moment. Because I can't take the smell, the mess, the awfulness of it all, and you need to clean it. Because I don't want to. Yes, most times I have to go and help, because little 7-year old hands are still dumb and uncoordinated and overhasty.

Sometimes, Mr N also gets upset. He doesn't want to drink a little pill EVERY morning, and EVERY evening. Never, ever a break. Never. Even when he was vomiting with the scarlet fever, we had to make him drink it. Because he can't skip a day. When he was smaller, we struggled. He was trying his utmost best not to have to drink the pill. Bargaining with us. We took him to a child psychologist, and she gave us tools. It worked. We had to show him that there's something wrong in all of us. Sometimes, the human body isn't perfect. Daddy wears glasses everyday, because his eyes doesn't work so well. Mr N's little head doesn't work well in one little place inside in his brain, and he needs to drink that little pill. Now, we've told him, that Boeboe's back has a problem and it influences her bladder and bowels. Do not tease her. Do not laugh at her.

So today I'm not feeling thankful and grateful. I'm tired, and I'm angry. And I want to ask WHY us? And I know, you'll excuse me asking that. Because indeed, why US?

But then....why NOT us?