End of year depression

Yeah, it's that time of the year again. Silly season coming up. I love December holidays, and I love Christmas. Yes, it's commercialised. Yes, people tend to forget the deeper meaning of it. Yes, people misuse and abuse. That doesn't mean it's wrong to love Christmas. Or wrong to give gifts. Or wrong to prepare beautiful meals. I adore Christmas, and spoiling the children! For one day a year, I try to forget that we're not rich. That kids should not get everything they want or ask for. That kids should learn money doesn't fall from the trees. For one day, I want to spoil them SILLY. I want to see the joy on their faces when they open a gift they really wanted. Or when they see the stocking that I filled with small toys and treats they never get to have "because it's too expensive".

But November....that's the month that depresses me. I don't know why. It probably started when I was a child. Exams, stress, knowing I'd have to say goodbye to my friends soon when we leave on our 6-week long seaside holiday. It all contributed to me hating Novembers. To this day. :-( Once December starts, I'll get into the holiday spirit, the children will be done with school, exams and homework and afterschool activities would be over, and I'll have a ball and be happy as larry. But November...I hate Novembers. I'm constantly sad, close to tears and feeling sorry for myself. Fortunately I know it's seasonal and I'll be fine again SOON.

Isn't it strange how Christmas seems to bring the best and the worst out in people? Some would give to charities, where they tend to forget the needy during the year. Some would hand bonusses out to their employees. Some would go to extra lengths to see and commit to family. But then you get the inevitable family twists during the silly season as well. Some would hate having to spend so much money. Others would hate to spend so much time. And some would hate to spend so much emotionally. And some would give their last sent, their last free hour, and all their love and commitment, to others. I, myself, am very guilty of not wanting to spend my time. Time to me is precious, much more so than money. It's easy to hand someone a R100 note. But to go look for a gift, now that's not so easy to do. It costs me time I don't always have, and it costs me emotionally and physically because I'll have to deal with at least 2 kids in the shop, sometimes 4!

I bumped into a friend's friend in the shop earlier this week. She gave one look at a tantrumming Boeboe, a teary-eyed Monkeyman, a helpful Mr N and a very tired Peanut, and declared me brave! She was shopping without her kids. She had a choice, you see. She has a full-time domestic/nanny at home that can look after her toddler, and her older child was still in school. My kids came out early due to the exams, and it just so happened that the best time to go shopping was after school came out, not before, because of Peanut's nap. At the very best, I have to take 1 baby to the shops. If I plan it well and are able to, I try to go while Monkeyman is in playschool (which is once a week) and the older 2 in their school. That leaves me only Peanut to deal with in the shop. She's usually not difficult, but can't last more than about 45min then she's either tired or hungry (or both!). Because she already spent about an hour in the car and at Monkeyman's school by this stage. Space in the trolley is also limited because of the carseat in which she sits. She's now too heavy for me to carry while we shop. And she hates the sling. I should try out other carriers but they're so expensive in my country. I already own 2 others, but the one is for bigger babies and the other is just awful in its design, so it gives me backache. I can't spend any more money on more carriers.

In any case, so that means if I plan it well, I have about 45min once a week to shop, with 1 baby in tow. Otherwise, I have to take Monkeyman with. He's usually very good in the shops, but it does add to the fact that I need to keep an eye on him as well. If Peanut's naps doesn't work out, then I not only have to take a baby and a small child, but also the bigger 2 children along. You'd think it wouldn't be an issue, but man oh man oh man, Boeboe is DIFFICULT in shops!!! She will CONSTANTLY ask me: "Mommy, can we have this cookies?", "Mommy, can we have a chocolate?", "Mommy we haven't had these sweeties in forever!!" - all of this in a whiney, LOUD voice. And then when I say no, or her brother brush against her shoulder or Monkeyman step on her toe by accident, she would throw a massive tantrum. She won't worry AT ALL about who looks at her or what the other people think of her (and me!). She wants what she wants and she wants it NOW. So there I am, baby in the carseat in the middle of the trolley, groceries stacked precariously all around her. A 4-year old running circles around the trolley trying not to offend his big sister by accident while trying desperately to make her smile at him, a tantrumming 9-year old that behaves worse than a 2-year old, and an 11-year old that is a PLEASURE to take along. Mr N....ah, my little helper. He's amazing these days. He'll carry the nappybag for me, push the trolley when needed, look out for Monkeyman, comfort Peanut if she's getting tired, fetch the breadrolls from the other side of the shop for me when I realised I forgot it, etc. So yes, to tag Mr N along is just pure bliss. Even though he CAN be demanding as well by seeing things he want.

So when my friend's friend declared me brave, I told her No, don't make a mistake. I'm NOT brave. I'm STUPID. I'm so stupid to take FOUR kids shopping. Any mother must be stupid to do that to herself. But sometimes, I just don't have a choice, you know? I don't have someone to help me look after my kids. I don't have a mother anymore. I don't have a close-by, non-working family member. My husband works full-time. My friends have their own little ones to take care of.

I wanted 4. I can handle 4. But it aint easy every day. Some times I get the impression that people think that because I had a 4th, I must find having kids extremely easy, so they don't need to sympathise with me. They don't need to feel sorry for me. They don't need to offer me any help. I must be having everything under control, because I chose to have 4! I wonder what gave them that impression? Don't get me wrong. I LOVE having 4 kids. And I do not find motherhood to be so difficult, that I don't want to repeat it with another child, or that I wish it over with. But that doesn't mean that I don't sometimes suffer, trying to handle or deal with 4 kids. Of which 2 are special needs. Though, Mr N is doing so well, I don't think he really qualifies as special needs anymore, LOL. But ya, 4 kids are a handful. It's NOT easy.

So life with four kids are BUSY!! I can't deny it, however much I'd like to make it sound as if I could easily handle another few kids, it's a fact that 4 kids = HARD WORK. I don't regret having Peanut for even 1 minute. I don't resent her for adding to my workload. Instead, knowing it's my very, very last, I enjoy every last bit of having a small baby. But it's a fact...babies are hard work. And adding 3 other demanding kids into the mix, and you get a mommy that's overworked and overstressed and needs a holiday!!

Mr N is busy with exams. I just do not have the time to spend on him that I wanted to, at the moment. So he's mostly left to his own devices. Studying. I do try and keep him to a schedule, and help him whereever I find a few minutes. Fortunately he's a very selfsufficient little boy. And he usually does well, even though he's a slow learner. There's little over a week left, then he'll be all done with grade 5!! Can't believe I'll have a grade 6-er in my house soon. Wow. Just 2 years left, then I have a child in highschool! Scary.

Boeboe. Well, she's Boeboe. Tantrums, after tantrums after tantrums. I'm so TIRED of fighting with her! She's ALWAYS in trouble for something or other. Just when I feel the anger leaves me, she does the next stupid thing. Sigh. I hate feeling angry at her ALL. THE. TIME. I love her so so much, I want her to feel it, to know it. But how can she, when I'm CONSTANTLY fighting with her over something? But can I just drop it, and let her get away with awful behaviour or tantrums or not doing homework, just because I'm tired of being a parent? Of being the disciplinarian? I try to look the other way when I notice a small transgression. But some things are non-negotiable and I simply can't overlook them! Like lying. Or hurting your brother. Or screaming like a banshee when your babysister tries to sleep. She's tired. I know that. It's every time a problem when we reach the end of term. All we can do now is cope until it's holidays and she can rest and de-stress.

I'm not sure if I mentioned the new product I found for her. It's like a pantyliner, but thicker and more absorbent and shaped for children's bodies. It works like a charm for her! Much better, and she absolutely loves it. It's expensive, about half the price of a nappy, but I don't even mind, because it keeps her underwear (mostly) clean and dry. And it also seems to absorb some of the smell, as long as it's not a big accident.

Monkeyman is taking a bit strain. I don't think I spend enough time with him at the moment. I'm hoping that as Peanut grows, life will get easier and would leave me with a little bit more time to spend on Monkeyman. Usually, babies are much easier (for me) once they reach about 6 months old. The next 2 months would also be easier on Monkeyman while they're all on holiday. Having fun, and having siblings around him constantly to play with. And no homework and exams that takes up their time. And when they're back in school in January, Peanut should be in a routine of napping once in the morning and once in the afternoon, which should leave me with time in the morning to spend with Monkeyman. He's really such a lovely little boy. Even though he's taking strain, he's still such a good boy. Rarely any upsets with him. When he's tired at night, he doesn't listen to us as well as he should, but that's understandable. He's doing really well with school now, after the dip he went through in September. He loves it, though he still refuses to participate in the singing and dancing. I stay for about 20 min and then leave him all happily playing or eating his snack.

Peanut, my baby. She's also doing very very well. Weighs 6kg already!! That's more than double her birth weight, and she's not even 4 months yet. She got her last set of vaccinations today. Poor thing, but thank goodness it's now done for, for quite a while. She's such a lovely little lady. Her smiles are so precious. She doesn't laugh out loud much. And we struggle a bit with her naptimes at the moment, which is what's keeping me so busy! Some days are very, very good and others are just horrible. It has happened numerous times in the past 2 weeks that she sleeps nothing for 5 hours straight. And then it has happened numerous times that she's barely awake for 2 or 3 hours all day long. Weird. On the days she doesn't want to sleep, I would rock and carry and wear and sing and walk her all day long. It's TIRING. Those days are difficult, because Monkeyman would feel neglegted and the older 2 kids would take advantage. Not doing their homework, being too loud, throwing balls in the house, etc. And my tether would be SO short already from trying to get a very overtired baby to sleep. Fortunately, Peanut doesn't cry much. Even after not sleeping for 5 hours, she would be okay. Just giving a little moan every now and then that I know means "help mommy, I'm tired!". Poor thing had such a day yesterday, only sleeping twice for 30 minutes each time in about 7 hours. And today she's falling asleep like a champion. I put her down, give her dummy and within 2 minutes she's asleep. And sleeping for hours and hours. Only waking up for milk. Poor thing must be exhausted. Fortunately, she still sleeps well at night. Always having one long stretch of 5-7 hours, and thereafter waking up every 2-3 hours for milk. And she's such a good breastfeeding baby. She only drinks for about 5 minutes, and falls asleep right away once she's done every night. So I'm not really tired from lack of sleep. Just physically tired from carrying a baby almost constantly all through out the day, and emotionally from dealing with 4 kids. I have to say, I absolutely LOVE carrying my baby around. Or "wear" her, as other people has labelled it. I love having her close, feeling her warm body, smell her babysmell, and see the happiness and contendness in her eyes when she's close to me.

Not the best photo, but it does show how FAT my little baby got! Too cute!

 

Having a ball bathing the doll in Peanut's bath, just after Peanut was bathed.

Dressed warmly during a cold day, for a walk outside with Daddy



Beautiful Boeboe in the dress we bought for her, for Peanut's Christening.

Adoring her Monkeyman brother. :-)