The gender debate...

Since we told the children that we're going to have another baby in the house, Boeboe has been adamant that it must be a little girl. She already has 2 brothers, she now also wanted a sister. She prayed for it for months, every night. That God will let this baby be a little girl. She understood that we don't have a choice in the matter, and that it could be either a boy or a girl. When I once asked her if she'll love another baby in the house if it isn't a little girl, she answered: "Of course. It's a baby. I loved Monkeyman even though he was a boy!". And that's Boeboe for you! So it's not that I fear that she won't love the new baby, I know she will. But, for her sake, I've been hoping that she'll get a sister one day. Mine means so much to me, I do believe every girl deserves to have a sister.

So in the beginning of this pregnancy, we assumed it will be for the best if we find out the answer. For Boeboe's sake. But then we started wondering. I sat down with Boeboe a few weeks ago and explained to her that we do have another option. That we don't have to find out the gender. That we can wait until baby is born, before we know. And that it will then be a big surprise.

Well, she surprised me!! She immediately grabbed onto the idea and from then on was adamant that we shouldn't find out the gender. We also told Mr N, who also found the idea intriguing. So, on the eve of my 16-week visit with the gynae, we sat down as a family. Because I have private health care in our country, I get a sonar with every 4-week visit at the gynae, and we knew she'd be able to tell us the gender this time (at 12 weeks it was just too early).

So we needed to decide, will we find out, or will we wait? After some discussions, no one could for sure say yay or nay. Mr N then had the bright idea that we must put it to a vote. He gave each one a piece of paper and we had to write it down. Afterwards, he and Boeboe collected everyone's votes and read the verdict. I was the only one that voted yay!! The rest, all the kids and daddy, voted no! So, that was the final decision. :) We thus have requested the gynae at our last visit to not reveal the gender, and she's taken care to make sure of that. Both me and my hubby has this "suspicion" that it's a boy, but sometimes I'll have this feeling of pink. In the beginning of the pregnancy, I thought the baby to be a little girl. So now I'm not really sure. Not at all. With the other 3 I was quite sure from the start, and right every time. This time, I just don't know!! And it frustrates me, LOL. I loved having that instinctive feeling of what it was, the other times. And I got those feelings before a sonar confirmed it for me.

In fact, with Mr N we didn't find out the gender either! I instinctively knew it was a boy, but we still decided to not find out. And it was lovely! We bonded with baby because it was our baby, not because of a certain gender. We loved him/her for what (s)he is. It really didn't matter to me or my husband. People didn't like it, they tried to convince us to find out. Even now, while we're doing it again, they immediately go into defensive mode and tell us how they had to find out. Because they needed to know for whatever reason. Well, we don't have those reasons! We don't need those reasons. Can't you understand that? Like the gynae said...there's so few things left in this world to be surprised about. Why not enjoy this gift for what it is? I don't have any problem bonding with a genderless baby. Why would the gender play a role there? Well, it doesn't for me. My baby is my baby. I love him or her just as (s)he is. With any faults/abnormalities/issues that may come with the baby. Why would the gender then be a distinctive marker? Well, to me it isn't. Oh, I wanted a little girl! I desperately wanted to have all that pink experiences again. I had the blue twice now, so I wanted the pink again. I tried for a little girl, and obsessed about it. Until I fell pregnant. Then, of course, those feelings mostly fell away. Now, this is just my baby. It doesn't matter who or what it turns out to be. I'll love it fiercly, like all my other children.

So, why do people get defensive about their choice of finding out the gender? Why do they feel the need to immediately reply to my "we're not finding out the gender" comment, to go into elaborate and passionate reasons about why one should know the gender? It has baffled me. Why would my choice illicit such a vehement defence of theirs? It's not as if their choices is going to change my mind?! So could it be guilt? Do they feel guilty for needing to find out the gender? I don't know.

We had both. We had the surprise with Mr N. And we found out the gender with both Monkeyman and Boeboe. And of those 3, the surprise was MUCH nicer!! There was just NO comparison for me. But when I tell people this, they brush it off as clearly not that big a deal. But they don't hear me. It was MUCH nicer FOR US. I'm not saying it should or would be nicer for other people. But WE, we loved the surprise! For US, it was the better deal. Waiting and bonding with our baby for 9 months regardless of who or what (s)he turns out to be, and then hearing that "It's a boy!" yell of surprise and excitement from the gynae....the moment was priceless. Of all 3 my births, of all the thousands of little moments that made the 3 births special, that's the one that stood out for me. And I want that again.

Yes, I voted to find out. Because I'm human and wanted to go buy a pink or blue babygrow and blanket. But I'm happy that I was veto'ed. That we get to have this surprise again. Yesterday, I took Boeboe shopping and we had a look at the baby clothes. We bought a few non-gender specific white things, and she was loving every moment. But she did say, oh, how will we be able to wait!! Because of all those beautiful little pink and blue babygrows....ah, bliss. I just told her we'll come and shop as soon as baby was born. :) And we'll buy all the pink or blue we want. In the meantime, white, yellow, lime and peach will have to do. She was satisfied with that. So, for now, we're only shopping for a few newborn babygrows. Most of what I need, I'll get after the birth. Fortunately I don't need much. We have loads of clothes in the cupboard from Boeboe and the boys, and we have all the baby stuff like a pram, a stroller, a cot, a camping cot, a carry cot, a donut, a babygym, carseats, a bumboseat, a seat to clip onto our table, sheets and other bedding, etc. We don't need much for this baby, except a few toiletries, newborn nappies and of course I want a few new newborn outfits for in the hospital. And just because I can. :)

Now, we have to wait for our little suprise baby in less than 5 months...can't wait to hear the gynae's voice yelling "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!". :)

Birthdays and podiatrists

Well, it's not been a very good month. Not particularly bad, just a few little things that made it a not-so-good month.

It's not that there was so much wrong. Just some small things For one, Boeboe is having a hard time with so many things. She had an accident at school. She's also complaining about backache. There's a point over her scar which I can't touch, then she says "Ouch". And she complains about pins and needles and aches in her legs, which I guess is "normal". But difficult to hear and not know what to do about it. Her legs looked so bad last week. A long scratch over her thigh, the bridge of her feet skinned at one point, a blue mark on her shin. It sometimes break my heart to look at those thin, spindly legs and see the damage her weak feet/ankles are causing her with stumblings and fallings.

And in the meantime, I feel like I'm fighting a lost battle with the constipation and accidents. Sometimes I just want to go and sit in a corner and cry, because I feel like I'm not cut out for this. And that makes me feel so guilty, because I love her so much and I know her life is so difficult and I should concentrate on making it better for her, not on how I feel about it, which really is irrelevant in the bigger scheme of things.

Then, if that's not enough, Boeboe is struggling at school. Schooling in South Africa, in the Afrikaans schools at least, happens at an extremely hectic pace. It's geared toward the smarter, quicker child. The top 10 or 15 in the class will keep at the pace. But the rest just drags behind. Everything is always just a struggle for them. It's just too much for a child that's not hyper academic. So Boeboe struggles. Struggle to learn cursive writing, English spelling and tenses, her home language Afrikaans, multiplication, etc. Thus, her homework takes TIME. Sometimes even up to 2 hours a day. And that is after she was at school for 6 hours already. They've now requested that she attend extra classes after school twice a week. For which I'm grateful. I'm sure it will help her ALLOT. But it's not easy. She's just so tired, very very tired of work work work. The poor thing, she's just 8 and it's just so unfair. When I was 8, I barely got 20 minutes of homework, had much easier work to cope with and not extra things going on in my life. My days consisted out of riding my bike in the street, playing with my neighbourhood friend across the street, or just playing with my siblings in our garden. I just remember happiness, sunshine and security and love surrounding me. I didn't like my grade 3 teacher much, but that and the fact that I burnt my hand very badly that year, was the only complaints I had at age 8. So much less than my poor Boeboe has to cope with. If the load on her is so heavy now, will she cope when she's 12? Or 16? Or 22? Will this build her, or break her?

So to top all of this, a boy at school pushed her (I don't think it was with intent) and she stumbled forward while loosing her balance. Causing her to scrape her foot very badly at precisely the same spot as last year when it took soooo long to heal. I realised this is it, we can't leave her like this. She was so sad and down about why she always has to hurt on her feet. I popped into a podiatrist and made an appointment. He gave her one look, got a very interesting expression on his face and asked her to walk up and down the hallway. Nothing strange about this, she had to do this literally tens of times before for doctors. None the wiser of why she would stumble so much or why her toes would drop down and scrape the floor (causing her to stumble).

This doctor immediately showed me. It's because her right leg is sligtly shorter than the left! We knew of this difference, but everyone assured us it's not a big enough difference to have any impact on her life!!! Well, it's quite clear how she tries to compensates with her shorter right leg, and when she can't, or gets tired, she doesn't, and then stumbles. Thus, hurting her feet. It's so clear now! So the only solution they have for us, is that she'll have to stop going barefoot (and she loves it so much!!!). It's such a pity, they even go to school barefoot until age 13. Well, she'll have to get an implant to give her right foot a lift, and then wore the shoes every day. I'm going to the shoe makers tomorrow, to ask how much it will be, and how does it work. If it's expensive and fixed to a shoe, we'll ask the school to make a conscesion towards her. That she doesn't need to wear her schoolshoes, but her special build-up sandal then. It's really so hot in our country, to go around at school in shoes and shocks will be terribly uncomfortable. Boeboe is excited. She just wants a solution where she won't hurt anymore. I'm sad. It's just another thing on my baby's road. When will it stop?

So if that was all worries I had, I still would've been fine. But in the meantime, poor Monkeyman has broken another 2 teeth, and I had to forcibly took him to the dentist. She was fortunately her wonderful self and put him at ease. Unfortunately, he needs another session of anaesthesia so that she can do 2 rootcanals and put in pins to build new teeth. I know it's necessary. I can see the damage the broken teeth has. It's all coloured very badly. Green/brown/black. So I really feel helpless about this. Something we just have to do. But I hate hate hate anaesthesia, especially for the kids. I can just cry about it all. :( This will be his third anaesthesia in his short life, and all just because of his teeth!

Of course, like usual, it's going well at least with Mr N. He's really loving life at the moment. He's reading allot, finding schoolwork easy and even enjoyable, playing tennis and chess for extra-curricular activities and he got a PSP for his birthday which is of course just the cherry on the cake for a boy his age. He's really happy, I believe, at the moment. I think allot of it has to do with the fact that he doesn't feel overwhelmed or overworked. Since grade 2, I've taught him to do his own work and homework. It has helped allot in grade 3, I've just given him the responsibility of his work, and that taught him that he has to do it, the sooner the better. So in grade 4, they get work during class to do. If they finish, they're done for the day with that subject. If they don't finish, they have to go and finish it as homework at home. This has worked out perfectly for Mr N's personality. He prefers doing whatever he can in class, so that he has afternoons "off". So even now, in grade 5, he has soooooo little homework. It's really fantastic. At first, I worried, because other parents would complain at how much homework their grade 4 and 5 kids get, and I would ask what are they talking about? Because Mr N does nothing! Then I found out it's because he works hard during class to finish everything. He'll even finish for example Maths during English class, when his English is done and he has some time left during English period. Anything just so that he doesn't have to do homework at home. While poor Boeboe still does 1-2 hours of work every day. I just hope that she'll be able to at least try to do it like Mr N in grade 4 next year.

Well, again, if it was only the 3 children's issues, I could've still coped. But, I've been nauseous for more than 70 days straight. Day after day after day. Sometimes, I get the impression people think just because so many women suffer it, and so many women have it for weeks or months at a time, that it "can't be so bad". That having a stomach bug for 24 hours, is much much worse. Well, I've got news for them. It isn't. At this stage, I feel like I've had had a stomach bug for 70 days. More than 2 months. 10 Weeks. Every, single day. It leaves me weak, tired, in pain (headache and stomach). I know, it's "normal". I know it means the baby is healthy. That the pregnancy is doing well. That the placenta is doing its job. And I'm really grateful for that. But I've really had enough of being nauseous!!! Gosh, I hope it's over soon. Fortunately, the only other bad complaint I have, is the extreme dizzyness. It does not matter what I do or eat. The amount of salt or sugar or coke or chocolates or whatever I try. Nothing stops it or makes it better. I can barely stand up straight for more than 10min, and walking around is even worse. Which makes shopping a trying episode each time. I think the people in our local Checkers and Spar has now come to know me, sitting on the lower shelve in an isle somewhere. Sometimes, my body even can't cope with the shelve, and I have to lie down on the floor. It's humiliating in the extreme. But what else can I do? Some things just can't be ordered over the phone. Ah well, I know it's temporary. I just need to hang in there 5 more months. I can do that. :) It's so worth it. And apart from these two "normal" pregnancy complaints, I'm really having such a lovely, straightforward, easy pregnancy. Especially compared to my first 2 where I've already been booked off work by this stage, to try and save my baby. The worst was when the contractions started at this stage with my first. That was hard. Very, very hard. Sometimes I still marvel when I look at him today, that he's made it through that pregnancy. Same with Boeboe. So I'm grateful for another easy pregnancy where the baby is just growing normally, I don't have any complications and everything is just hunky dory. Now, if only this nausea can take a hike...

So ya, that's life at the moment. A bit of a struggle, but with a twinkle in the eye. Of course, last month was also my sons' birthdays. They had so much fun, even though we decided not to have parties this year. Monkeyman had a school party. We took partypacks and cupcakes to school, he got gifts and blew candles and they sang 3 songs to him. He was really happy and loved every minute of it. Mr N took a few sweet things to school as well, to hand out, and that was good enough for him. We took both of them, with their grandparents, to Spur for breakfast one morning, where they also were sang at and got to be the middle of attention for a while. And we invited just a few friends and family to come and share both of their cakes with them one afternoon, where they again got to blew candles. So even without any formal parties, they were still spoiled and had great birthdays. I'm so happy for them. And more happy for me that didn't have to organise any big parties where I had to cater for 20 kids and 30 adults....LOL.

So here's some photo's:


Mr N's cake. He decorated it ALL by himself and had so much fun!



Monkeyman's cake. He too decorated it by himself!

Blowing candles! I couldn't post the actual pics where they blow the candles, because there's some other children on the photo and I don't have their parents' permission to post their pictures on the net. Oh, and the facepaint is from their morning breakfast at Spur (a family restaurant with a great children's play area).



The two birthday boys! Eleven and four. You can clearly see the broken teeth in this picture. :( I'll post a pic once we've fixed that in 2 weeks time.



In their same shirts!

Monkeyman on his birthday (a few days after Mr N's). Opening his "big" present. He's telling everyone how lucky he was to get such a BIG present on his birthday, LOL. He's been playing with that garage every day since his birthday.

Monkeyman at his schoolparty where he was "king" for the day, opening one of his prezzies. Again, I can't show much of the photo's I took because of the other children in the picture.

Such a happy little boy. :)