This bit is for those who will (one day) read this who ever considered me their friend (even if you were also family). This is also the hardest, and the saddest of all the testimonies I need to pen down. And the longest as well as one of the most important.
I have hurt many people in my life. I'm human, I err. But usually it's by accident or unknowingly. When I find out that I've hurt someone, I almost always go to the person and apologise, acknowledging that I hurt them. They may not immediately recognise or accept my “sorry” and I get that. But it's important for me, to me, to do what I wish others would do for me. I needed people to say “I'm sorry I hurt you” many times before, and never got it.
I was physically abused and hurt at one point in my life. A very short period in my life (no, not by my husband, a boyfriend, nor any parent). About a year or 2, when I was very small. That is when it started for me. That desperate wish to get an apology from that person. So I get why others too would want that apology as well, if I hurt them unintentionally.
The worst for me though is when I hurt someone intentionally. When I KNOW my actions or words will cause pain, and I still do or say it, even with the apology ready, because I know it's not nothing in their lives. That I'm hurting them.
So why would I?
With this part in my blog, with this testimony, I want to explain. And maybe, just maybe, gain a little bit of forgiveness. And maybe, the friends I hurt in 2018 and 2019, will gain a tiny bit of understanding. But for them to understand this, I need to explain something in God's Word.
God spoke the world into existence. SPOKE. Sound. Words. His Words created everything, including the laws of nature itself. The laws of time. The laws of the past. The laws encapsulating our future. The laws guiding humans. The laws guiding love, friendship and emotions.
His WORDS did that. What does His written Word then do? Doesn't it do the same? People may not realise it, but His written Word STILL accomplish all of that, but through our voices this time. Every day. Every minute. It creates. It sustains. It forms. It's living.
Certain words accomplish certain things. And certain words in His written Word, were almost exclusively meant for our time, our generation, our people. For us. For me. There's words in the Bible that steers me, whether I know or acknowledge it or not. It guides me in a certain path. From birth to death. But also certain actions.
When I said “yes” in 2018 and received the Angel of the Lord shortly after, and accepted my “mission”, certain verses in the Bible became directly applicable to me, as a servant to the Lord. This guided me in a gentle, but definite way. It's impossible to reject, counteract or change the course because it's in the Spirit world which we do not control. Heaven is God's home, earth is man's. We can control what happens to our bodies, but God guides the spirit. The moment I said yes to His call, the written and spoken Words of the Creator itself started that function in my life. I was thus as helpless to change from the path I was set on, as the people in my life were to change it for me.
I wouldn't have wanted to. But I need people to understand my only choice truly was to say “yes” or “no”. From the moment I said “yes”, I was a servant in the court of my King and had to do what He guides and tasks me to do. Even when I didn't understand the why's. Even when I hurt people I love knowingly.
Oh, most people would now loudly exclaim.... God would NEVER ask someone to hurt someone else! Oh yeah? Go read the Bible, I would tell them. Many times the prophets were crying against what they were told to do. They didn't like telling people they're going to die. They're going to war. They're going to suffer famine!
The apostles also similarly did NOT only heal. They also cursed, like Paul did the woman who followed him, who was used for her divination by her “handlers”. He also cursed the governor with blindness for 3 days. God never asks us to hurt someone for no reason. The reasons always end up being the better way.
So yes. Sometimes, God DOES ask us to do something that seems painful, wrong, hurtful. But it's all for the good of us EVENTUALLY. We just don't see or understand it, yet. But He can and will restore ALL THINGS. Eventually. Maybe not now. Maybe not in this lifetime. Maybe it will take a long, long time to heal and be restored. But He is capable. And sometimes, it's needed to cut the branches off to get the best fruit from the tree. Yes, it's painful. Yes, it hurts. Yes, we want to cry and defy Him and rebel and scream in anger and frustration and pain.
But in the end, it all turns out the best for US. He never does it because He likes hurting us or making our lives difficult. Or likes to pit one of us against the other. No. He cries WITH us. But He's a Good Father. He can push us through it, then heal us and show us the result afterwards. The why's.
And we'd understand. And sometimes, even thank Him. Like the year 2018. Me and my children.... we lost our friends, our school, my job, my income, many little things. But from March 2020, we understood and we thanked him. And realised why it was necessary for us to move on from the formal schooling environment.
So what am I on about?
I hurt my friends. Many of them. All of them. Intentionally.
And I am so very very very sorry. I can't apologise enough times. EVER.
I cannot tell you how many tears I've cried about EVERY one of you. Know that every one of you were in my thoughts many, many, many times since 2018. So many times. I never stopped loving any of you. I never stopped thinking about any of you. I never stopped crying about any of you. So many nights, I fell asleep crying. For what I lost. But also for what I caused you guys. Every one of you.
So why?
Because I was called. The mission I was given is unfortunately no small thing. One day it would be clearer. But it's a heavy burden (to me). It's not an easy calling. And it asked A LOT from me.
Basically, these Words of Jesus became very very pertinent to my life at that moment I accepted the calling:
“And every one that hath forsaken houses, or brethren, or sisters, or father, or mother, or wife, or children, or lands, for my name's sake, shall receive an hundredfold, and shall inherit everlasting life.”
I was ASKED to leave you all. By the Word itself. I had to “forsaken brethren”. No, I don't claim I will receive “everlasting life”. That's our eternal hope, but for God Himself to decide. Not for me to claim. I'm just talking about the first half of the verse. That people need to understand that Jesus meant it for the apostles those days, and the Church fathers and messengers and evangelists. But also for a very specific purpose today, but in a more spiritual sense, as well as in some ways, physically. That some people's calling would include leaving loved ones behind to do the Lord's work.
I had no choice after I said yes to His call. I had to give it my ALL. My everything. And yes, it literally will be, everything, in the end. I went into this with WIDE open eyes. He never, ever blindsided me.
Did I think it all through? Yes, as good as I humanly could.
Did I know I will hurt my friends, my family, my husband, my children? Yes. I knew.
I knew it all. God did NOT hide it from me. The detail, yes, that was hidden. I still don't know most of the detail, and the timing, nor do I understand most of the processes and future or outcomes. But I was shown enough BEFORE I was asked and I basically had a rough idea what it would entail. I was showed through my research, as well as dreams, visions and His Word.
I accepted it with my eyes wide open. I knew what I went into. And I still did it. Because I promised Him in 2000. But also because He was my friend from age 5. My only friend at times. The one that comforted me all those lonely, painful nights after I was hurt. The only one who truly stood by me through EVERYTHING. Not just a few years here or a decade there. But for all of almost 50 years, through every minute, every second, He was there. He saved my babies. He saved me. He guided me and comfort me and took care of me when I couldn't. And for that, I loved Him. And I owed Him. I would do anything for Him. Anything He asked. Knowing, that one day, like always, I would look back and thank Him. Because through it all He guides, protects and even rewards. It always turned out well for me when I followed Him.
So I said yes. Knowing it would put me in direct confrontation with the wishes of my family and friends. I understood that.
But I also understood THEY would not.
That I would be on my own. That they will be hurt and NOT understand. That they would later on hate my apology because it was nonsensical in their eyes. It would mean little to nothing to them eventually. Because it would seem that I had all the power, all the choices, so why apologise for something and still do it? It made no sense. I knew it would cause them even anger and maybe later, hatred instead of the love and friendship they showed me so generously.
It hurt. I felt the pain. And still I did it. I followed my Lord. And rejected everyone else. All my friends, and even most of my family. And eventually, I would need to let go of the last of them too.
It hurts. It's one of the most difficult things that my road has lead me to. But I truly couldn't not do it, or any differently. God ALWAYS knew best, and this is what He asked of me. What He showed me. I had to let you ALL go. Every one of you. Every. One. Of. You. I had to let you go. Me. Not wait for the friendship to fizzle out or die a slow, necessary death. I had to abruptly cut all ties.
First it was a few only. Then more. Social media. The groups I belonged to. Colleagues. Close friends. And then, lastly, my best friend. The one that caused me the most pain. Because the others spent less time with me, trusted me less than she did. The others had each other still, or saw it as a more natural death not realising it was me cutting the ties. But my best friend. She tried to hold on, because she loved and missed me. It broke my heart. And I broke hers. It will haunt me forever. She did NOT deserve that. Not her. She did nothing wrong. It was all me. On top of it I once told her mother that I will make sure her daughter is ok when she's not there anymore, and I had to break that promise, temporarily at least. It hurt me tremendously, because I loved that woman, her mother, so very very much myself. She did not deserve it either, and I still miss her terribly too. I can't imagine how baffled she was because of what I did, and how I did it. I lost their trust, and that hurts.
But I had to. I am so sorry, to all of you. I am so very, very sorry. Sorry I hurt you. Sorry that I couldn't truly explain what was happening to me. Why it had to be done. Why then. Why in that way. I am just so very very sorry. Just know that you were all missed. NONE of you were replaced. Ever. As I let go of you all, I did NOT gain other friends, like a normal death to a friendship brings. I ended up being almost as lonely and alone as I was age 5. Just me and Jesus left, with just a last few family members still in my life.
After I had to cut ALL ties with every one of my friends, it was my family's turn. My brothers and sister. Their wives, husband and children. The only people I was shown I was allowed in my life, was my dad (to whom I was not very close at that stage), my parents in-law, my husband and my 4 children. That was all. :-( 8 people. Just me and the 8 other people who meant most to me. Without whom I would be unable to function.
I was allowed my dad, as he was old and needed to still have contact. But the contact was very small and sparsely. Really, really sparsely. I was also allowed my in-laws, and was told it is because “they would not understand”. God trusted that all of you would eventually understand and find forgiveness in your hearts. But they would be hurt too much. When children reject parents, it causes a different kind of pain, than when a sibling or friend rejects you. Children should not reject their parent, just as a child of God should not reject their Father. So He kept those bonds intact. Parent and child, husband and wife.
But everything else had to go. At least for now. Oh, how I fought Him on it. I fought bitterly and hard. It was never, ever easy on me. I did not enjoy it or simply do it. I agonised every time. I cried bitter tears. Many tears. I still do. Even as I sit here, typing this.
So when you one day read this testimony, know that I valued and loved each one of you. I never wanted to hurt you intentionally. I never planned on it. And I did not find it easy or enjoyed it one bit. I suffered just as much as every one of you may have, and maybe even more, as I was left with no one. No one who understood. No one I could confide in. No one I could explain to and find solace or comfort with. I had my father, parents-in-law, my husband and 4 children. That was IT. No colleagues. No friends. No other family. No cousins. No acquaintances. No internet-friends. No parents-of-my-children friends. No social media groups. No one. Absolutely no one, except that 8.
I couldn't confide in my kids. Oh, I explained a LOT, they are more informed than most people on this earth about it all. I made sure of that. But they were not my equals, my friends, my confidants. I couldn't burden them. Not at their young ages. That left only my husband, but as EVERY woman know, a man's friendships works differently. So to explain to him the pain of the loss I experienced with my girlfriends, the missing, was impossible. He's a man. He's made differently.
Oh, a few times it all caught up with me and I'd sit with him, crying hysterically about it all. And he'd stare at me, in tears himself, unable to comfort me because there was no comfort to give. I had to go through it all on my own. Truly alone. Just me and my Friend, Jesus. Who, not for once, let go of my hand.
He understood. Even if it was His command, His Word, His Spirit who asked it, He also understood that it hurt. That it was painful for me and everyone else.
He knew better than anyone, what it caused my friends and family. Their pain. Only He and them knew that. I can only guess. But He understood my pain. Not only because He felt it alongside me, but He too went through it when He walked the earth as a man. He had to let go of all His family too to do His ministry, and then permanently with His death and ascension. He understood that humans find it hard and painful to say goodbye.
So I want to say I am sorry. I did it because I had to. But I am still very sorry I hurt you all.
So why would it have been necessary?
Because I'm a Pioneer. Let me put that in a separate Part. So if you can forgive me, and want to understand why that particular hardship was asked of me by 'n loving God, please read about it here.
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