Road To San Michelé: Wednesday Warmer (?)

I need to offload a bit, but it's not really fit to be classified as a warmer - hence the question mark.

I took Boeboe for her checkup at the psychiatrist today. It's always a good visit, to go there. I feel like she understands me and especially Boeboe. She seems to know what questions to ask, and I believe Boeboe answers her honestly and truthfully. Which is excellent, given the fact that one of the autistic traits Boeboe does NOT have, is the complete honesty, LOL.

Well, our daughter's medication is increased again. I feel a bit disheartened about it. Even if I knew that would be the outcome. And I know it's the right thing to do. Still, I wish she could stay on the lowest dose. So, for this exam, her risperlet is now on 1mg. If we feel it's not enough, we also got a script to increase the serta to 50mg (I think). If it works well, we can if we want to, decrease her back to the current dossage after the exam. I'm pretty sure this is going to help alot. Last exam started good, but within a week she was a raging bull destroying everyone in her path, and then sat crying in her room because nobody loved her. It was taxing on us. But what made me realise she needed a bit more help, was the fact that it took her 5 WEEKS to go back to "normal". To what she was before the exam. It wasn't fair to her, us or the other children. So we're hoping to prevent that backlash this exam. I see Mr N avoiding her when she gets like that, while he plays more with her when she's stable. Which is a lovely boost to her self confidence.

Interesting enough, she spoke to the Professor earlier today, and they discussed Boeboe! Always surprises me, though I don't know why, when specialists discuss my children. I find it comforting, in an odd way? That they're not just a number to them. Anyway, both of them are really curious about what is wrong with our children. Both believe it's something that runs in the family, and that there indeed is something. Sad, in a way, but it just affirm my own feelings. Both are still surprised that it wasn't VCFS. Clearly, it must be something really similar, for them to think like that.

The psychiatrist supports the geneticist's idea of rather doing a whole genome sequence than just a microarray. She believes it's really worth knowing, and I got the impression that she's curious and would love to know sooner rather than later, LOL. Though, she understands why we've decided to only look at it end of the year again.

I decided beforehand not to discuss my own issues, even though I believe it might shed light on everything regarding the kids. Firstly, I didn't want to make the visit about me, and secondly, I'm just soooo tired over the years of doctors looking at me strangely because I'm "trying" to diagnose the children (or myself in this case) with something. Basically, I was too shy/embarressed. But then we were discussing the fact that all of us (me, the psychiatrist, the cardiologist, the professor, the pead, etc.) believes it's most likely a family problem that's rearing its ugly head within the kids, so I explained to her what led me to research Aspergers, and how I realised that it describes me. I told her about the tests I took, and the scores I got. She didn't seem surprise about the fact that I believe I have Aspergers, but she did lift her eyebrows in surprise by how high the scores were. So we discussed everything for a bit, and what I took from my conversation with her, is that she believes I may indeed have Aspergers, that I've compensated very well (probably thanks to my mom that was a teacher and knew what to do), that I've learned techniques to "fit in" and compromise and follow social cues and norms (though she laughed at me still interrupting people, LOL) and that she doesn't believe getting a formal diagnosis is necessary in my case, since I function very well. (Just a disclaimer: I'm 40. She does encourage younger patients/people that might have Aspergers, to seek therapy since it can help teach the social cues and conversation techniques that I most likely got from my mom). Wish I could hug my mom and tell her Thank You. I hope I'll be able to do the same for my kids... help and support them turn into functional human beings.

Anyway, so that's my off-load. I wasn't on a goosehunt, imagining things that doesn't exist or looking to find things wrong. I most likely do have aspergers. I feel a bit relieved, because she didn't laugh at me, dismissed me, not believed me or discouraged me. Instead, she encouraged me to use this knowledge to understand myself better.

The second thing weighing on my mind, is that my daughter's medication needed adjustment, and the third (and worst of all) is that our family has something going on that scares me. Mostly for Monkeyman's sake. What will Friday's doctor visit bring? For some reason, it makes me nervous. It's as if we're coming close to answers, and the closer we come, the less I want to know. :-( He's just my baby boy. Our fun, happy, clever, quiet and calm little boy. Our contend little boy. Just happy with life. He just wants to be loved. I feel like I'm loosing him, and it terrifies me. I know, it's just tiredness talking, but it scares me. What is wrong with my little boy?

Onto a better part of Wednesday, some pics of the kids.

Look at our handsome little "doctor"! They
had a "plaster" day at school, to support
a children's hospital.

Even battered, she's still beautiful.

She did it all by herself. Just love her
blue eye!

Looks more like a pirate, than an accident
victim, LOL. He fished torn pants and
a shirt that met with a too-hot iron from
who-knows-where out of his cupboard.