Medical Monday

(I've been writing this post for weeks. It's extremely long.)

I hinted at some point that there's some things I've been mulling over in my head, and that I'll discuss it in a Medical Monday post. I finished it yesterday, but lacked the courage to post it. :-( So I'm a day late, sorry. I'm really scared of the backlash this might cause. I'm not sure if I'm up to it. I'm scared, and I'm embarressed. Admitting to something so severe is extremely difficult.

I've come to the conclusion that I most likely have Aspergers Disorder.

I've been "jokingly" telling people over the years that I must have autism traits (don't we all, I thought!), but I never realised that I might actually be autistic. I thought it's quite "obvious" in all people. Until some months ago when in my research about chromosome defects, I ended up with alot of information about autism (it goes hand in hand with defects on the chromosomes). Since Boeboe has autistic traits, I didn't discard the information, but built on it. My conclusion was that Boeboe indeed does not have autism, just like the psychologist believes. Only displays traits. Instead, I got this niggly little voice in the back of my head that screamed something else. That it wasn't Boeboe, but me.

I ignored it, because I was focussed on Boeboe and Monkeyman's issues, and really didn't think I needed such a diagnosis at almost 40 years of age. I also didn't realise that someone can have autism, when they're as high functioning as I am (being able to make a couple of good friends, cope with most social situations, marry someone and raise 4 kids successfully). So I ignored the little voice telling me that I can answer "yes" to everything they list when Aspergers comes up in my research for answers on Boeboe. Until a few weeks ago when me and someone close to me sat talking about the children, and we discussed one of them having Aspergers. I told her that it's not a death sentence, that I most likely have it too and look where I am today.

I said I'll look into it a bit more, and well, there I found myself researching Aspergers as much as with having that child in mind, as having myself in mind. I found the way they (the psychiatrists) test adults. Because see, Aspergers have only been diagnosed as such since 1994. Until then, children (especially girls with it) were just.... different. Or difficult. Parents just had to cope and bite down and raise their kids with whatever issues they had. I turned adult in 1992. So long before Aspergers became a known issue. My mom wasn't the type in any case to look for ANY diagnosis or label AT ALL. She totally ignored teachers when they showed concern about any of her children, she ignored medical issues in her children until they either went away, got better or worse. Only when worse, would she take us to the dr. She herself was a teacher, and a darn good one, so I get it. I understand why she would think - oh well, all kids have issues. Why would she need to label her one child with this or her other child with that? It's not like in our country a diagnosis of something like autism gave you social grants or anything much. So what would the use be? Besides, like I said, Aspergers were an unknown diagnosis, especially in girls, and being autistic usually meant a non-verbal child. Today, there's support, understanding and help. In those days, not so much. Especially not in the country side where I grew up. A label may not have changed life for me much. Except maybe understanding from other family members. Something I did miss and would've appreciated. I'm sure my mom too, she had to defend me and her parenting of me quite often.

Throughout the years, especially while I was little, my poor mother just ignored what other people (teachers, family, friends) said of me, and she just loved me and moulded me into a good and functioning human being. Despite not having a label or support or all the information in those days, she knew exactly how to reach me, and direct me. She was an exceptional mother and teacher. Not only did she most likely raised an Aspergers child, she also raised a most likely severely ADHD child (not me), multiple children with severe sensory defects, multiple children with anxieties and depression, etc. Four of us, all born within 5 years, and all of us with so many "issues". What an amazing mother I had. If I can only be half the mother and person she was...

I grew up being an extremely difficult child. I had many, many tantrums (or meltdowns). One of the reasons why we never took Boeboe to many specialists for her tantrums. We just assumed because I was so bad, she got it from me. So yes, I completely fit the bill for that part of being autistic. I was already in highschool when I at long last got a better hold on my rage, anger and frustrations. Until then, I blew my top probably about once a day. Screaming at my mom and siblings. Stamping my foot. Throwing my body down. Crying for hours in my room. Despairing at how they just don't understand. I was also violent. Reacting violently towards especially my one brother. I used to blame him. But now I'm beginning to wonder how much of it was actually me?

I am/was a very shy person. Like in extremely shy. The one hiding behind my mom's legs long, long after it was still considered normal. She understood, and protected me. My siblings said I was a spoiled brat. I didn't get along with them very much. Only my eldest brother, whom I adored. Only once I was an adult, did I bond with my sister. I was happiest when left alone in my room, to just read. I spent most of my free time (when not sleeping or at school) just reading. Being alone in my room. My mom complained alot during my childhood how I would just withdrew into my room. Sleeping late, reading all day in my room, barely spending any time with them. During weekends, holidays and even holidays home from univarcity. All I wanted to do, was being left alone and read. Escaping into another world. Away from all the stresses of the real world. Later on, with the advent of personal home computers, I started playing computer games. Another world I could escape into, and did so all hours of the day and night. I still do that.

I had friends though. Good friends. Not alot of them, but always one or two. I read that girls on the autistic spectrum do better than boys in this regard. They're better equiped to learn the necessary social expectations, norms and interactions. To copy what they don't understand, and learn to act normally and acceptable. I was also fortunate to be in an extremely small school, with very small classes, because of the small town we lived in. In matric for example, we were 12 children. Ten girls and two boys. :-) I'm sure this is why I was able to excell academically and learned to socialise in small groups successfully.

When I was 13, my mother left me alone in the care of my father and grandmother, for little more than a week. She and my 3 siblings went on a hike that she feared I wasn't strong enough to cope with. Afterwards, me and her spoke alot about why I found that week so exceptionally hard. I lost myself, that week. I went into a deep, deep depression. I was so sad, so lost, so desolate, without my mom. I didn't eat, didn't speak, didn't function really. I lied on my bed and read and cried. All day, every day. It shouldn't have been that hard, for only a week, at that age. But it was. I couldn't cope without her. It surprised both her and me, and should've raised red flags for her. It saddened her, and she felt guilty. The same happened when I was 18 and left school to go to univarcity. I had to stay in the hostel, because it was in the city, far away from my parents and home. Again, I was lost. I cried so much that first few months, wishing to drop out. But my mom made sure I knew it wasn't an option, doesn't matter how much I was suffering. So I stayed, bit through it, and after a year it got better. I would always be grateful to the one very good friend I made. Without her, I might not have survived. But I did, and I started to stand on my own feet and started to make my own decisions. My mom once said that she was really surprised how long it took me to reach that independance. Another red flag.

So while researching everything the past few weeks, I came across the tests that are used to determine if someone has Aspergers as an adult, after being missed as a child before 1994. Some of the tests are the same as is used in a clinical setting (with a psychologist or medical professional). I took as many of them as I could, some multiple times, and each and every one of them told me I most likely have Aspergers. None of them had any doubt, or even much tact in some. For example, the one said:

You scored 120 aloof, 123 rigid and 94 pragmatic

You scored above the cutoff on all three scales. Clearly, you are either autistic or on the broader autistic phenotype. You probably are not very social, and when you do interact with others, you come off as strange or rude without meaning to. You probably also like things to be familiar and predictable and don't like changes, especially unexpected ones.

I just love the way they say "Clearly, you are either autistic or on the broader autistic phenotype". Haha. Yes, clearly hey? Just took me 40 years to realise...

Here's another one:

You are very likely an Aspie

 To the point. I like that. Here's another:

Scores with a yellow background are above the test threshold values. If your total score is above the threshold it may be worth getting professionally assessed.

Much more tact, this one, LOL. All my scores had a yellow background, for every sub-category. And my total score was almost double of the threshold. Oops.

The one important score though, the one used by most psychiatrists, is what they call the AQ scored. There's a bit of controversy in the medical world about what the cut-off for this score should be. It's a count out of 50, and some say the cut-off should be 26 (I think it's the acceptable cut-off currently). While others say that it should be 32, because those between 26 and 32 may have some false positives (testing autistic when they're not really). And that only those with 32 and upwards, definitely have Aspergers. Well, my count was 36.

Another interesting, but not defining or medical-based test, but an extremely thorough and large one, has been the one that gives you a count out of 200. It tells you how many points you scored on the Neurotypical symptoms (thus normal human beings), and how many on the Aspergers side. There's some overlapping, so adding the two counts won't total 200. Well, my score was 143 for the Aspie side, and only 77 on the neurotypical side (a 2nd time I got 150/80). I found the test mildly interesting, but not very definitive, as it was the first one out of all of them that I took. At that stage, I was quite surprised that it indeed said I'm probably on the autistic spectrum, since I never really believed it deep down in my heart. So I thought the test is probably not very accurate. Thus, I asked my husband and Mr N to do the test as well. My husband scored extremely high on the neurotypical (160) and very low on the Aspie score (below 50). Mr N was a bit higher on the Aspie score (which makes perfect sense, if you know him), at just below 90. And on neurotypical, he was just above 120. Both of them had the conclusion: "Both of you are very likely neurotypical". I tested Boeboe at a later date, and she had "both neurotypical and aspie signs", with a score of 110 for Aspie and 90 neurotypical.

This piqued my interest, as it described all four of us quite accurately. My husband is most definitely NOT aspergers, but, he is an introvert, so it makes sense that his neurotypical score would be very high, but with a few "autistic-like" traits giving the score of just under 50 for Aspie. While Mr N is very much like my husband, but with more introverted social issues, so his Aspie score should (and was) higher. But for both of them, the test said they're most likely just normal, neurotypical. Not aspie. Which we know is true. And Boeboe most definitely have autistic or Aspie traits, as already diagnosed as such by the psychologist and psychiatrist. And the psychiatrist did tell me that her first thought for Boeboe was indeed "Aspergers", but both has said she's not diagnosed as such. So having a score of around 100 for both Aspie and Neurotypical makes ALOT of sense for Boeboe. I also tested Monkeyman (on his insistance, LOL, he thought it a game I was playing with the others). He tested very similar to Mr N, which is what I expected. Though, I don't think it's too accurate just yet, afterall, it's designed for adults.

On another test, the Ritvo, they give the following upper limit of "normal" values. It's the one where my total were almost double the threshold. My score is the one in italics.:
Language : 5.5 (and below). Mine: 9.0
Social : 40.4 (and below). Mine: 73.0
Sensory/motor : 19.7 (and below). Mine: 34.0
Circumscribed interests : 14.7 (and below). Mine: 38.0
Total : 80.3 (and below). Mine: 154.0

So I did some more digging into this, and the deeper I dug, the more and more I realised that I fit the Aspergers bill to a t. At the end of this (too long already) post, I'll list some of the signs of Aspergers, and which ones I have.

As much as all of this kinda shocked me, I realised that it also gave me a unique and new insight into why I am who I am, and I don't feel the need to try so hard to fit the mould anymore. I never even knew how much pressure I've put on myself to be "acceptable". To act like other people. Like society expects from us. To only speak when there's a pause. To take turns speaking. To ask people questions. To try and look into someone's eyes at regular intervals (still can't force myself to look up for extended periods, mostly only quick glances). I never realised how much stress a conversation puts on me. How much energy I spent on looking closely at other people's reactions and cues, so that I could respond accordingly. I remember reading books about body language. I thought it was just because I found it interesting. I guess I was actually teaching myself.

So I now understand...

• why I try to steer away from people. As much as I can. All people. Everywhere. Every day.
• Why I can't recognise faces I don't know well (who knew this was a medical "condition" I had!). It even has a name. Prosopagnosia.
• Why I hate social events. Why I feel so stressed about upcoming visits and gatherings.
• Why I absolutely hate my phone. Why I prefer not answering, and rather just listening to the message that whoever phoned will hopefully leave.
• Why I prefer online conversations to real life conversations.
• Why in real life, I'm shy and introverted and not forceful in my communication, quite the opposite of how I can be online.
• Why I hate touching or anyone touching me.
• Why I have difficulty looking people in the eyes and have to force myself at regular intervals (prompted by my books who declared that people that can't look others in the eye, were scaly, dishonest crooks).
• Why I'm highly intelligent with two degrees behind my name, but sitting at home not working.
• Why I can focus on my research (my "special interest"/passion/obsession) to the exclusion of everything else.
• Why I'm extremely honest and almost never lies. Not even to my children, about "hiding" veggies in mince or something silly like that. Or telling them that carrots will make them see better or beetroot would give them red cheeks. I even answer honestly when they ask if a certain procedure (like taking bloods) will hurt. I do not lie to them.
• Why I prefer to be alone, as much and as long as possible.
• Why I prefer spending all my time at home, even weekends and holidays. And especially evenings/at night.
• Why I hate going to the shops.
• Why I hate driving anywhere.
• Why I find it difficult going somewhere I've never been before, or take a road I don't know.
• Why I have this intense longing to go back to the country, where there's not so many people and activities going on around me.
• Why I hate joining in the circle of parents chatting while waiting outside school.
• Why I hate anyone visiting unanounced.
• Why I hate when plans or circumstances change. (Except for cancellations! Love those.)
• Why I can easily ignore my (poor, patient) friends for months.
• Why I have absolutely no desire organising social activities for myself, or my family.
• Why I try to get out of any and all invitations I get, and has to force myself to accept those I get from people important to me (so yes, consider yourself important if I've accepted invitations from you, LOL).
• Why I detest having playdates of the kids here at our home (and usually try to get out of committing to any). Yes, even children intimidate me. I can handle my own. Not other children. 
• Why I sometimes struggle understanding what I read and have to reread some paragraphs. 
• Why I find myself using words and phrases making me sound stiff and formal, especially in English (my 2nd language).
• Why I am what my mother used to call "opstroppelis". It kinda means that I was always swimming upstream. Everyone would say A, then I'd come along and say B. This one has caused me to lose friendships a year ago, and for the first time, I now understand why.

I also get it now why I have so many, many food aversions and issues with food. Now, I understand. Why I can't just eat the darn onions, mushrooms, cabbage, spinach, matured cheeses, etc. etc. etc. The list is looooong. Just writing these down, makes me gag a little. Well, actually alot. Blegh.

It would explain so much, if it would turn out that I indeed have Aspergers. It wouldn't be autism, "just" Aspergers. I'm very high functioning, obviously. I'm extremely intelligent (tested in the very high 130's as a child and as an adult), and I think that has helped me learn and copy the social cues, the little things that might not have come naturally to me. I'm a keen observer, and a good copier. I now get it why I have always said I have a non-existing sense of humour. Especially starkly obvious compared to my husband who has the driest, most beautiful sense of humour ever. I try to laugh, when others tells me something funny. But I sometimes find it perplexing why I should. It's not that I absolutely never find something funny. I've laughed before until I'm in tears. It just takes a lot and a very specific strand of humour to get me there. I'm also "slow" catching a joke, and will always laugh last. And I never, ever tell a joke. Because throughout painful history I've learned that absolutely no-one would laugh. I think I might be putting emphasys on the wrong parts. I don't know, I just know that I can't tell jokes, and I don't know why people won't laugh when I try to. So I've stopped trying.

I also now understand what has happened in some friendships over the years. It really was me. I'm opinionated, forceful, domineering of the conversation, and doesn't listen to others as I thought I did. I tried. I really, really tried. I'm sure some wouldn't believe me, but I did. To be a functional person with autism, you have to try. You have to do your very, very best every moment of every conversation, else you woudn't have been functional. I get it now. I understand now. And all I can say, is I'm sorry. If I'm a friend and acted too forceful or too opinionated or too oblivious in the past. This is the reason I've been stepping back the past month. Away from friends (online and in real life). I thought I'd rather step away than hurt someone. I never knew I really might be autistic, apart from the past few months. It never occurred to me that I indeed, really WAS the problem. I thought I just indeed was always right. And usually, when there's facts, I usually am always right. As my husband pointed out to me once. I'm just oblivious to the social undercurrents. I didn't know. I still actually don't know. How would you know what you're missing, if the very thing you might have, makes it impossible for you to know that you're missing anything at all?

I read this on a blog dealing with adult women with Aspergers, and the following paragraph hit home for me:
"...central to the dysfunction is very poor social skills. But poor social skills means that you are missing social cues which means that you don’t know you’re missing social cues. Everyone in the room wants you to shut up and you don’t know it."

Gosh, that's hard. It really hit home, and it hurts. But I get it now. I didn't realise my behaviour was abnormal. Yes, my siblings hinted throughout the years. Even some friends. But I honestly thought it was them! Clear Aspergers sign, apparently.

So will I try to get a formal diagnosis? I don't know. I'm pretty sure that I have it. It's not a quick search, doing a quiz and diagnosing myself. I've researched and read and delved into this thoroughly. And the quizes I did, is that standardised ones the professionals use. Would it matter much if a professional does one of these quizzes with me and comes to the same conclusion? (That's basically how adult female aspergers is diagnosed, it seems. Some places even allow online-filling in of quizes for diagnostic purposes.) So would a professional diagnosis matter much? I don't know. Maybe, but I doubt it. Except that other people would need that professional diagnosis. Will anyone else believe I have this? Not many. My husband do, my sister do. I haven't spoken to anyone else about it since taking the quizes.

A while ago we were chatting and I told my SIL (sister in law) that my mom pulled my husband aside shortly after our engagement and spoke sincerely to him. Asking him if he's 110% sure he wants to and can take me on and everything that is me and comes with me. It sounds strange, for a mom to do this, hey? I should've realised she suspected more than what I did. Anyway, my SIL asked "Why, what's wrong with you?". So in the future, if I have a professional diagnosis, I can answer: "I have Aspergers." Else, for now, I should probably reply with "I probably have Aspergers.". I didn't, I replied with a laugh and: "I have many issues."

There's hundreds and hundreds of possible signs, symptoms and traits of Aspergers. People will obviously have some of them, not all, and to different degrees. It would bore you to tears to go through so many, so I decided to only list those pertaining to Adult Women with Aspergers. Still, it's a lot, so only scan through it if you need to (or ignore! Then just jump to the very last paragraph of this post.). Here goes:

Appearance/Personal Health

Dresses comfortably due to sensory issues and practicality
This is me, 110%. I never, ever buy things that might be uncomfortable in the slightest. Especially shoes and pants. I don't care how I look. And I don't wear high heels. Ever.

Will not spend much time on grooming and hair. Hairstyles usually have to be ‘wash and wear
I don't groom myself at all. I don't wear make-up. I don't use a straightener. I could never understand why other people would wake up an hour or longer before leaving for work in the mornings. It takes me 10 minutes to bath, get dressed, comb my hair and gather my things. Hair most definitely is wash and wear. I'll comb it, and maybe tie it in the nape of my neck, but that's as far as I go. I don't colour, I don't "do" it, I don't spend time on it at all. I don't even put conditioner on. Though, I do wash it with shampoo at least. ;-)

Eccentric personality; may be reflected in appearance
Yep, see above.

Is youthful for her age, in looks, dress, behaviour and tastes
I actually thought it was a nice complement when people who guessed my age, always guessed between 5 and 15 years younger than what I was. Now, I realise it probably wasn't. :-)

Usually a little more expressive in face and gesture than male counterparts
I believe I'm not as stoic as most autistic people, yes. But really, you'll have to ask other family or friends. I don't much look at my face in a mirror, especially not when speaking to other people. I do know that I don't smile alot.

May have many androgynous traits despite an outwardly feminine appearance. Thinks of herself as half male/half female
Nope, this isn't me at all. I look, act, think and feel female.

May not have a strong sense of identity, and can be very chameleon –like, especially before diagnosis
Again, not me. I have a very strong sense of identity. I'd rather say I'm the opposite really, my mom used to tell me it's surprisingly strong for a child. It amazed her.

Enjoys reading and films as a retreat, often sci-fi, fantasy, children’s, can have favourites which are a refuge
Yes, totally me. I absolutely LOVE reading. Alot of it is fantasy and sci-fi, and yes, it's a refuge, and yes, I have definite favourites I reread yearly.

Uses control as a stress management technique: rules, discipline, rigid in certain habits, which will contradict her seeming unconventionality
Totally me! Been accused many, many times of being too black and white, too rigid, too rule-abiding, too honest, too pedantic, etc.

Usually happiest at home or in other controlled environment
Totally me. Just want to be home. All the time.

Intellectual/giftedness/education/vocation

May have been diagnosed as autistic or Asperger’s when young, or may have been thought of as gifted, shy, sensitive, etc. May also have had obvious or severe learning deficits
Most teachers said I'm gifted and yes, I was/am extremely shy. Not as sensitive though. My sister (not autistic) is much more sensitive than I am. I also had no obvious learning deficits.

Often musical, artistic
Not really. I do play piano and guitar, but I don't really have much talent in it. And I can't draw to save my life.

May have a savant skill or strong talent
LOL, no, not me.

May have a strong interest in computers, games, science, graphic design, inventing things of a technological and visual nature. More verbal thinkers may gravitate to writing, languages, cultural studies, psychology
O gosh yes. I have 2 degrees in Computer Science. I love everything technological. Adore computer and video games. Loves science and especially researching scientific facts. I'm extremely visual in nature and as a verbal thinker I do gravitate towards writing.

May be a self-taught reader, been hyperlexic as a child, and will possess a wide variety of other self-taught skills as well
I didn't teach myself writing, but my mom taught me before I went to school. Not sure about any other self-taught skills. Probably a few, but isn't that true for everyone?

May be highly educated but will have had to struggle with social aspects of college. May have one or many partial degrees
Yep. Have 2 degrees from univarcity, but failed miserably on the social side. Some of it still causes me anxiety, embarresment and heartache, thinking back over it. If I felt like I had a choice, I would've quite during my first year. Fortunately, my mom made sure I stayed put. After a year or two, my hostel room became my refuge and I got used to living on the univarcity grounds. I was even happy there. And when I completed my first degree, I wasn't ready to leave there, so I did a follow up (honors) degree which took one year. Thereafter, I was forced to leave and start employment. My sister helped me with the transition. I would always be grateful to her for that. She housed me, helped me prepare for interviews, helped me dress for them, and helped me find my first flat to live in. My dad bought my first car for me (I had to pay him back), and my mom sent me furniture from their house. My husband helped me find whatever I still needed.

Can be very passionate about a course of study or job, and then change direction or go completely cold on it very quickly
Oh yes. A number of times. :-(

Will often have trouble holding onto a job and may find employment daunting
Why do you think I'm still a SAHM 14 years later? OK, it's not the only reason. But yes, definitely one reason.

Highly intelligent, yet sometimes can be slow to comprehend due to sensory and cognitive processing issues
Yep, that's me as well.

Will not do well with verbal instruction – needs to write down or draw diagram
110% me! Absolutely can NOT do verbal. It HAS to be visual.

Will have obsessions but they are not as unusual as her male counterpart’s
Oh yes, definitely have/had obsessions. Not many unusual ones, I don't think? Currently, for the past 5 years or so, researching everything related to my children's health has been my obsession. When I was pregnant for the first and second time, I obsessively read everything I could about pregnancy, birth and newborns. And I really do mean everything I could. Magazines, books, internet, pamphlets. You name it. Before that, when I was diagnosed with endometriosis, it fascinated me for some reason, and again I obsessively researched it. In univarcity, it was the games (computer) and authors (of books) I was interested in. In school I had limited information at my hands (no internet in those days, limited library, etc.). So I obsessed about books. Reading all of a certain author, for example.

Anyway, I'm sure you get the idea. Being Aspergers with a "special interest" in my children's (and some of my) medical problems, would explain why I obsessively researches all of it. It gets my sole attention and focus, in an intensity that's a bit abnormal (even I recognised this, especially during my hunt for my daughter's tethered cord diagnosis). I won't apologise or make excuses for it, because without that certain Aspie trait, if that's what it is, my daughter would never have been diagnosed and successfully operated on for the occult tethered cord. If that's the reason I may have been dealt the Aspergers card, then I'm happy to be "an Aspie". :-)

Emotional/Physical

Emotionally immature and emotionally sensitive
When I struggle with Boeboe with this same issue, I realise now what I've put my own mother through. I don't think mine was as bad as Boeboe's, but still.

Anxiety and fear are predominant emotions
Most definitely. I know if I go to a psychiatrist today, I'd walk out with medication for anxiety. I've been diagnosed as having such long ago as well. And fears, yes. Some phobias, some just irrational thoughts that I have to surpress constantly. Obviously, none of this is extremely impacting on my life.

More open to talking about feelings and emotional issues than males with AS
I have no idea how I compare to males with Aspergers. But I don't think I have a problem talking about my feelings at all. Quite the opposite, I'm too honest and forward about it. (Hence the blog, LOL.)

Strong sensory issues – sounds, sights, smells, touch, and prone to overload (less likely to have taste/food texture issues as males)
My family all have issues with this. I can't stand anyone touching my hands, ears, thighs or back. I can't stand someone sitting or standing too close to me. I go crazy if someone coughs, sneezes or even just breaths on me. I cannot stand certain pitched sounds, or something that's "too loud". I'm very sensitive to smells (hence some of my food issues!). Certain coarse fabrics is like rubbing a brick against my skin. Tags gets cut off. Hate hate hate being wet, especially if my socks are wet. Even if it's just one drop I stepped in, I need to go put on clean, dry socks. I put on pj's the moment I've done my last "schoolrun" for the day and doesn't need to go out again. Certain faces and other sights puts me off. If I don't like a person, I struggle to look at their face. Even when it's just a character on tv. When he/she comes up, I look away. Oh, and blankets. I have this issue that I just can't sleep (summer and winter!) when I don't have the duvet covering my neck and back. I get soooo frustrated and irritated and angry, if the blanket doesn't touch my neck. It has to. I will not fall asleep until it does.

Moody and prone to bouts of depression. May have been diagnosed as bi-polar or manic depressive (common comorbid diagnosis’ of AS/autism) while the AS diagnosis was missed
I'm probably one of the moodiest people you'd ever meet. Was called moody from as long as I can remember, so it definately was there as a child already. Same with depression. Similar as with the anxiety, I'm pretty sure I can go to a psychiatrist or GP tomorrow and I'd be prescribed anti-depressants. I've been on it before, a couple of times.

Probably given several different prescriptions to treat symptoms. Will be very sensitive to medications and anything else she puts in her body so may have had adverse reactions
Yep, given loads of meds over the years for loads of "symptoms". And yes, has had many adverse reactions. The funniest one was when I (numerous times) fell asleep from taking rescue remedy pills.

9 out of 10 have mild to severe Gastro-intestinal difficulties--eg. ulcers, acid reflux, IBS, etc.
I have acid reflux and IBS, both since childhood.

Stims to soothe when sad or agitated: rocking, face-rubbing, humming, finger flicking, leg bouncing, finger or foot-tapping

I touch/rub/scratch my face at least 10x per waking hour. Usually lots more. I foot tap when anxious (on a daily basis) or when queueing (I also count when waiting for something). And I rock when I'm really, really crying, upset and being sad.

Similarly physical when happy, hand flapping, clapping, jumping, singing, running around, dancing, bouncing
Face-touching and tapping my foot when I'm happy. I'll also "bounce" (happened more as a child than now). Happy doesn't get me "moving" as much as being sad or upset.

Prone to temper or crying meltdowns, even in public, sometimes over seemingly small things due to sensory or emotional overload
I was called, many many times, things like "banshee" by my family due to my screaming meltdowns. And yes, it was over small things, but to me they didn't seem small at the time. My poor mother!

Hates injustice and hates to be misunderstood, this can incite anger and rage
Oh my word, this one describes me the best out of everything listed here. I absolutely HATE injustice or any unfairness, and would fight lost causes because of this. My mom was driven to despair because of this in me. She begged me not to be so black and white, so restrictive in my thoughts, so unrelenting, so unforgiving. Most of the hurt in my life is also because of what I percieve(d) as me being misunderstood. Nothing drives me as quickly to the brink as the feeling of being misunderstood.

Prone to mutism when stressed or upset, especially after a meltdown. Less likely to stutter than male counterparts but may have raspy voice, monotone at times, when stressed or sad
Yes, I hate talking about it after a meltdown. Just leave me alone!! I don't stutter, can't remember ever doing so. I do have a raspy voice, but write that off due to GERD. It's definitely worse if I'm not on my reflux medication. I don't know if I'm speaking in a monotone or not. I don't think so?


Social/Relationships

Word and actions are often misunderstood by others
Oh yes. Story of my life, indeed.

Perceived to be cold-natured, and self-centered; unfriendly
Difficult one. I think I'm perceived as unfriendly, when I'm not. And I believe I'm perceived as not being cold-natured and self-centered, when I really AM. Does this make sense? I guess it fits in with the previous question!

Is very outspoken at times, may get very fired up when talking about passions/obsessive interests
Oh gosh yes. Most definitely me. I'm extremely passionate about certain things, and voices it at times. I'm very opinionated and honest, and has gotten into ALOT of trouble because of it. Usually though, I'm only outspoken when I'm not face to face with anyone. Like online-chatting. In real life, I prefer to stay quiet.

Can be very shy or mute
Extremely shy. I can and do babble though, but at times I prefer to be quiet. Real quiet. Especially when I'm sad, very shy, uncomfortable, ill, or extremely angry.

Like her male counterpart, will shut down in social situations once overloaded, but is generally better at socializing in small doses. May even give the appearance of ‘skilled’, but it is a ‘performance'
Yes, large crowds makes me dizzy, anxious and causes overload. I hate it, and avoid it like the plague. I have absolutely ZERO desire for example to go to a concert. I've been dragged to a few by my husband as an adult, and do not care to repeat the experience. Ever. I do cope well enough with small groups, when it's friends. Though I find myself trying to get out of get-togethers, and then have to force myself to fall in with the plans made. (I go against my grain and initial reaction and thoughts.) I rarely initiate contact or invite someone. I don't like talking to strangers, but if need be, knows very well how to act and make small talk (like the question says, I'm skilled at acting like I'm not dying inside). I find it draining and not worth the effort though. Even planning to do something with friends, causes me inevitable stress and many anxious moments/days/nights, and I usually end up being in pain from my IBS, until the event is over. Currently, I need to invite some family members to my birthday party in less than a week, and I feel like running into the hills rather than send out the invitation. Sigh. I know it'll be good, I just need to "get there". Only reason why I'm having a party at all, is because it's a milestone birthday and everyone seems to expect one to throw a party on your 40th. I do try to fall in with social expectations. But on my terms. It'll be small, only immediate family and only for a breakfast or cake and tea.

Doesn’t go out much. Will prefer to go out with partner only or children if she has them
Yes, this is me! Absolutely HATE going anywhere. I'd spend all my time at home if I could. And I very, very rarely go anywhere without my partner and/or children. Fortunately, he was raised by someone who believes a wife and husband do everything together. Thank God for that, else he would've thought me VERY clingy and dependant on him!

Will not have many girlfriends and will not do ‘girly’ things like shopping with them or have get-togethers to ‘hang out'
I don't have many friends. At all. It also doesn't bother me. At all. I don't want or need more than what I have. I also hate "hanging out". I hate doing "girly" things, and I hate shopping. I also don't go out with girlfriends to things like spa's, movies, theatre, etc. I don't go out on "girls-night" and secretly thinks it must be the most awful evening out, why would other women want to do that?

Will have a close friend or friends in school, but not once in adulthood is reached
I had very good friends in school, and I do have a few very good friends in my life now. They mean the world to me.

May or may not want to have a relationship. If she is in a relationship, she probably takes it very seriously but she may choose to remain celibate or alone
Yes, I'm extremely serious in my relationship. It's for life.

Due to sensory issues, will either really enjoy sex or strongly dislike it
Hmmm, I think I'll just skip over this one. Way too private.

If she likes a male, she can be extremely, noticeably awkward in her attempts to let him know, e.g. she may stare when she sees him or call him repeatedly. This is because she fixates and doesn’t understand societal gender roles. This will change with maturity
Oh man, I just want to groan and hide my red face. The things I used to do when I was fixated on someone. I can only cringe thinking back about it. Especially the one I used to stare at. I found him so beautiful, I could just sit in class and stare at him for hours (I did!). Oops. He got really uncomfortable, and it took me a very, very long time (I'm talking about years!) before I realised it.

Often prefers the company of animals, but not always due to sensory issues
Not currently true, but was when I was a child. Now, my obsessive compulsiveness about germs has grown to the extend that it causes me to steer clear away from touching animals if I can help it. When I was a child, we had a dog, sort of (long story), but that dog was my best friend. I still miss him. He loved me as much as I loved him. No questions asked. No need to look in his eyes. No social pressures. No expectations.

 

OK, so that's me. As you can see, bar a few traits, I have absolutely all the symptoms of a Female Aspie. Some to varying degrees, obviously. It really explains ALOT to me. Of my history, as well as why I am who I am today. It has shaken me up a bit, though. It makes one rethink all things that went before, wondering if social cues were missed. If things would've turned out different, for better or worse, if I was as "normal" as I believed I was. If I do have Aspergers, would life have turned out the same if I knew about it? Would it have made much of a difference? Would I have had my 4 children, if I knew that alot of Asperger's women finds motherhood really tough? Would I have behaved differently in different scenario's over the years? In friendships and other relationships? And if I have Aspergers, how would I have been without it? What kind of mother would I have been without it? Especially to Boeboe? Maybe, I will one day go and get that professional diagnosis, if I indeed have Aspergers. Maybe some of my questions will be answered just by knowing there IS no answer then. Or, who knows, a professional can clear all of this up as rubbish, and that by itself will answer alot of questions. Or rather, it would just delete the questions for me. :-)