My heart's just breaking

I'm not so strong. I'm not strong enough for this. I can handle all the kicks life's dishing at us, up to a point. I'm soon reaching that point. Having one child goes through this is bad enough. But two. It's impossible not to just break down and throw in the towel. If only I could just "resign" and say I have had enough! What choice do I really have? How do you go on when you sometimes feel you can't?

Monkeyman had his x-ray repeated this morning. And again, it says there is unchanged peribronchial wall thickening. It's essentially similar to the ones in September and October (and of when he was age 1 - my husband found it after I searched for it for months).

This morning's report also states that he now again has "sign of cardiomegaly". Which means his heart is enlarged again.

I.CAN'T.ANYMORE.

We're seeing the cardiologist tomorrow. Hopefully, his heart isn't more enlarged from what it was last year. Hopefully, it's just because it's a different radiologist that has looked at it this time. Hopefully, there's nothing MORE to worry about. Like congestive heart failure. Oh God. I can't anymore.

I so wished his x-ray would be cleared. The cardiologist said if it's clear, we won't need a CT or MRI scan. So will we need it now? I need answers. I NEED answers!

He's so very tired at times. He wakes up tired. He goes to bed tired. He complains many times during the day. But, he was able to go to school last week and was "fine" accordingly to the teacher. I know he's pushing himself. Is this ok to do?? Why don't they tell us what we can/must/musn't/cannot do or allow!!!

Boeboe's OK. No change on the higher dossage of risperlet. I'm so sad about that. She's angry, she screams constantly. She's feeling sorry for herself. She's not doing well at school. She's struggling with communication. I don't know what to do.

I'm just done. Sorry for the extremely negative and self-pitying post. I'll update tomorrow after the cardiologist visit (it's only after school). I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow. Not-sleeping enough + teething baby + 2 kids with issues + bad news = one very negative mommy.