Home alone

Well, not exactly alone. Me and Peanut are together, but since we count as one, inseparable, it's as good as being alone. ;-) We've shipped the eldest 3 off to the in-laws (as one friend so eloquently put it, LOL). It was a crazy week. Last Sunday, the in-laws phoned to say they can't look after the kids next week anymore, and asked if we can't bring them some other time. So we were still umming and ahing on when would be most suitable, when they phone shortly before noon on Tuesday morning from the petshop. There's baby dwarf bunnies, female, and 4 to choose from (we wanted 3, one for each child). Yay, Boeboe was jumping up in joy, eyes shining, and so so happy. And I knew, it would be torture for her to know the bunnies is at her grandma's house and here she sits, unable to cuddle and love them. I've just phoned hubby to confirm that we can go and fetch the bunnies, and while there, drop the kids off for a couple of days, when a friend phoned to say she's close to our house, can she visits. Her daughter's Boeboe's best friend even though they haven't been in the same school for 3 years now. So of course I agreed. By the time they've left, there were about 2 hours left in which I had to settle a difficult, tired baby, clean the house and pack 3 suitcases. Gosh, what a hectic day. But it turned out well. The children are settled with the in-laws and having a fantastic time. We left the bunnies there, and will collect all 6 (kids & bunnies) tomorrow. The bunnies are absolutely gorgeous. I'll post pics once they're home and we've taken some.

I'm drained. I have so much I need and want to do in the house, but I just can't muster the energy. I'm really tired. Not just physical, but emotional. Physically it's because Peanut is cutting about 3-4 teeth in one setting, and it makes her clingy and she wakes up every 1-2 hours at night for milk. Add to that the fact that I'm stupid enough to only go to bed around 1am, and now have to interrupt the 7 hours of sleep I do get at least 3-4 times, and of course you get one very tired mommy. But I can cope with that, it has never bothered me to loose sleep with a child as long as they just drink milk and go right back to sleep (it's the being awake for 3 hours in the middle of the night I can't handle!).

What I can't cope with, is the emotional stress from worrying about the children. I just wish, that for one month, I won't have all of these issues to deal with. That for one month, Boeboe would not complain about her legs being soooooo sore. Or cry and ask why is she so unlucky to have to fall and hurt herself SO much. For one month, I'd like to have NO dirty underwear to deal with. No wet, stinky clothes to wash. No dirty bathrooms. Nothing to do with poo or pee or any other form of human excrements. For one month, I wish I can just forget that my daughter had a severe birth defect, and that it has caused both of our lives to turn upside down for the rest of our lives.

And for one month, I wish I didn't have to worry about Monkeyman. That the gripping fear that is clutching at my heart will let go. That when he lies down, it would be because he has played hard and well for the day, and is laying his body down for the night to sleep. And not because he has played for an hour, and needs a rest. For one month, I wish I didn't need to see my mother in him. In those days when she was dying from heart failure. For one month, I wish I didn't need to remember how TIRED she was. How she couldn't get out of the bath on her own any more. How she couldn't sit upright anymore, at the end. Because her body was so so tired. For one month, I just want to forget again. Forget those awful days in the end. Forget how she died. How I held her hand. How she and my dad looked at each other when she closed her eyes for the last time.

Of all the things that could've happened to Monkeyman, why did it need to be this? He's such a sweet, good boy. Why did this happen to him? Sometimes I wonder what he'll remember about this time. Will it have made an impact?

We're done. We're so done. So tired of worrying about him. If things turned out like they should've, maybe we would've worried less. But he just ain't the textbook case. Just like Boeboe was never the textbook case. I guess with a wacko mom like me, they could never be textbooks, could they? :-)

It's going okay with Monkeyman, despite not being massively better after the adenoidectomy. Accordingly to MIL he's playing with Boeboe, Mr N and his cousin. She didn't notice anything funny. But when I pushed a bit, she admitted that they were playing games where he sits most of the day. Holding the bunnies, reading, drawing, playing cards, lying on the bed to watch Mr N and their cousin playing PSP, or playing with his own iPlayer, etc. So not exactly what I wanted to hear, but still better than what he was last week and weekend. So I guess he IS improving?! I'll only know for certain once he's back home and I can evaluate him.

I emailed the cardiologist last weekend, because I was so worried. Her answer was that the operation does make them lethargic for 10-14 days, so we should give it a few more days. My email was sent when it was already past the 14 days, so I don't know hey. Also, isn't the tonsillectomy the one that takes 14 days? Adenoids is a much smaller op, not true? Well, it has been 18 days now, so I'll just give it until Monday when it's 21 days. If he's not doing well, I'm taking him in. If he's okay, I'll give it another week.

What still bothers me, is little things. Like on Tuesday, while packing, I sent each child to bath and wash hair before we leave (so that MIL doesn't need to). Monkeyman played about 20 min in the bath (obviously sitting, thus resting), after which I dried him and he got dress. Once dressed, I quickly cut his sidies (the hair on the side of his face was a bit long). It only took a min or two, and he wanted to sit down. I told him no, we'll be quick, I need him to just stand still (I already had the scissors in my hands). Then I asked him to stand in front of the mirror so that I could blow his hair dry. He slumped and said he can't, he's too tired. I said well, if he really have to, he can just sit on the floor. Which he did.

That just aint normal for any 5-year old, doesn't matter what a quiet, contend little boy you have. :-( Maybe if he was being oppositional, it could've explained it, but he wasn't. I asked him if he sometimes feels less tired. He said No, he's always this tired. I asked him if he doesn't think it's getting better nowadays. He answered No, it's always the same. That made me sad. A 5-year old little boy shouldn't have to feel tired like that, all the time.

And why is he so tired? I don't get it. He's not in heart failure. His pulmonary hypertension isn't severe. It's not even moderate. And if he did indeed have sleep apnea, accordingly to the ENT he must be getting a great night's sleep now in comparison to before the operation. So why is he so tired? And why is it such a physical, draining tiredness? Just like my mom, when she was in severe, late stage heart failure. It's so worrisome!

I'm scared that he's going to push himself at the inlaws. He does that. When other people see him, he doesn't want to appear weak. So he'll keep himself going and upright. And then come home and crash. I'm praying that it won't happen. That he really is doing much better, and that once home, he'll be happy as larry and play all day long, running around outside shooting his brother and playing sword with his sister. Jumping on his little horse that he hasn't played with in months, but used to LOVE. When I once asked him why he doesn't jump on it anymore, he said it makes him tired. :-( I minimized it, told him no way, it's just all fun. But he just turned away from me.

Another little sign I'll be looking out for, is that last weekend, his dad tried to really spend some time with him. They played ball outside. Just a little while. Usually, when dad says he's done, Monkeyman would cry or beg for another few balls. This time, he just accepted it quietly and went inside. So not him. And one evening, Dad asked Monkeyman to go fetch his mini soccer table. It's one where you sit next to it, except if you put it on a table. So Dad put it on the floor and asked Monkeyman to join him. Usually, Monkeyman LOVES his soccer table. This time, they played one game, then declared he's done and went to lie on the couch. :-( That has NEVER happened before. He refused to play some more, even when Dad called Mr N to come join him. It really shocked me, that Monkeyman refused a 2nd round. So I'll be watching out for him saying no to playing games he loves.

I guess he just needs time. But why he does, I don't know. Clearly though, his body needs it. Maybe it was the low iron? Maybe now that he get supplements, it'll be much better. Who knows? We can just hope and pray. And wait. Again.