PART III: Boeboe

 

Where to begin. When we moved Mr N, we took him to the open day for his new high school. While we were there, we noticed an advertisement for the open day for their primary school as well. So we took the younger kids on the spur of the moment, and they absolutely loved, loved, loved it. And we realised. God opened a door for us, so we walked through it.

So Boeboe started her grade 6 year in a new, private Afrikaans school. It was awesome. Precisely what she needed. Small intimate classes, less stress, less homework, less pressure, teachers who had the time to care. Age 13 we moved her over to the high school which were on the same grounds, where her brother was also attending. So almost no adjustment needed, except that the handbooks were now in English (though classes in Afrikaans) due to the Cambridge curriculum they follow.

The first year was wonderful. She did very well. Unfortunately, during the 2^nd term of her 2^nd year, in April, a new girl started. Within 3 months, Boeboe turned from a happy child to a suicidal, unhappy, angry person. We found out the new girl was bullying Boeboe. First she pushed a wedge between Boeboe and her best friend, who then became friends with the new girl. Then the new girl bullied Boeboe with words, then emotionally, socially and in front of the boys in the class, of course, all of this when the teachers were not around. Lastly, in August, it became physical. Shoving, pushing, shouldering her out of the way.

Until that point, the school did absolutely nothing, due to the cold war between me and the headmaster at that point, which I'll discuss later. I begged for help. I pleaded. I even cried. My husband begged, asked and pleaded. Promises were made, but absolutely nothing was done.

The psychiatrist saw Boeboe beginning of that September in 2018, for her regular check-up. She called me in afterwards and told me in no uncertain terms, to take Boeboe out immediately. Not even wait a day or a week or a month. Not even making other plans. Take her out NOW, today, were her words. Or suffer the consequences. Which would be dire. She made sure I only left when I realised the imminent danger my child was in, if I didn't act and protect her immediately. I would forever be grateful to this doctor.

We went home. I was shell shocked, helpless, frustrated, sad, alone. Me and her dad discussed it later the day, and told Boeboe that she can't go back to school again. Not ever. Not even one day. She was happy about it! Relieved. She knew what the psychiatrist said, but it was still dependant on our decision as parents. But she was just tremendously relieved. I'm forever grateful that the psychiatrist noticed, realised what's needed, and made sure I perfectly understood. We had no choice. But even more grateful that Boeboe already realised it too.

She only asked to be able to go back and explain herself to the friends she had there, and say goodbye, on the Friday of that week. Under my supervision, as a civilian, not attending school. Just explaining, hug everyone, thank her teachers, and say her goodbyes. I agreed. It helped to give her closure.

We explained to the school, without accusations, that Boeboe's doctor told us to homeschool her immediately. We didn't point fingers, but they knew. They knew.

During one of the previous conversation I had about the bullying, it was blamed on Boeboe's autism by the headmaster. I was shocked to my core that day as well. They protected the bully and blamed the victim for a condition she couldn't help. I told the headmaster that I was honest before entering Boeboe into the high school. I never hid her autism or any of her important diagnosed conditions. I told them everything they needed to know and asked them pertinently are they sure they can handle it? I was assured over and over that it would NOT be a problem for them. 

And then. Boeboe was blamed. Her autism was blamed. That day, I lost it. I cried. Desperately so in front of the headmaster and the owner of the school. But on the day we took her out of the school, I lifted my head. The psychiatrist showed me the truth. My child was the victim, as we knew. And now, the school also knew. They failed her.

What saddens me to this day, is that nothing was done about the new girl. She was still there many years later. Boeboe's friend who was later the new girl's friend, also left the school a few months later. I can only guess and wonder at the why. A few others also left the class. So was that worth it to the school? Not only did they loose several students, but the bully was never given the help, guidance, support and limits that she clearly desperately needed. A bully that is taken to task and then helped, can turn things around. But if left in that state of darkness, what becomes of them? As a teacher, this saddens and horrifies me so much. As a mother, I feel so very very sorry for that lost teenager. There was still a chance for her, if the school only took it seriously. My child was helped. The others that left probably found their way, but what happened to her, the bully?

Maybe I should just explain a little bit, because it sounds very strange, doesn't it? How this could've happened? You'd need to have met the new girl, to understand. She was relatively pretty, and blond. But it was her personality. She was an extrovert, and reminded one of sunshine when you saw her. Always smiling, always energetic. Warm. And a force to be reckon with. Always extremely helpful. She would go to every teacher and help them in small, little ways. She was very talkative, and always in an upbeat, optimistic, happy and energetic way. Very fast. She had good manners and was very intelligent, so she quickly received good marks with all the teachers.

So the teachers absolutely adored her! Such a lively, happy, helpful, kind and sweet child, they would say. Because that was exactly the image she portrayed whenever a teacher was around. The older kids, like Mr N and his class, saw right through her, and they steered clear from her. Which I found extremely interesting. But the younger kids looked up to her, so she was popular amongst them. And extremely liked by almost all the teachers. I hope this help people to understand, in some way at least, how the shy, quiet, introverted autistic child who couldn't clearly communicate was blamed, and this bully given a free pass for what she did. When the teachers do not SEE the bullying, they sometimes struggle to believe it. I find it sad. So very very sad.

Boeboe was doing so badly those first weeks after everything, that I basically told her to just rest. The rest of that year.... she just rested. She slept late, read, and spent hours with her new kitten, to help her cope with the trauma, loneliness and rejection. It took her about 4-5 months to recover from the shock and heartache and sadness of it all. To accept what couldn't be changed any more. To adjust to all the losses. And to refocus on what laid ahead of her. Her future.

During those 6 months, a lot happened with and to Monkeyman, Peanut and me as well, so in the end, I settled on homeschooling the youngest 3 children from 2019.

The first year, 2019, I unschooled all 3 of them. Due to my stint as a teacher myself, which I'll get into later, I now realised the extend of the horrors happening in school. The worst is in public schools, but private schools clearly were not exempt. I was shocked many, many times as a new teacher, to realise what's going on. With teaching. With education. With the curriculum. With the propaganda. With the workload. With the agenda. With the politics. Etc. Parents actually have NO idea what's truly happening. It's sad. I got to experience it all first hand and I was horrified. So when things pushed us all into the homeschooling direction, I was ready. I had the fortitude, the understanding, the knowledge, the experience, and now, the courage.

My 3 youngest were all overworked, stressed and unhappy. That was one of the reasons I went the “unschooling” route for 1 year. We focussed on certain areas and had an informal routine. They slept a lot. Played outside and with each other a LOT. They relearned how to socialise in a well-mannered, moral and fair way. I taught them integrity. Courage. The ways of our Lord. We had formal Bible lessons and group Bible study. I retaught them their history of their country and their people. Something I did not realise how much was lost in the propaganda of the day. I read old literature, poems and historical stories to them.

I taught them again how to enjoy books and reading. How to stop hating exams and tests and studying. How to find information for themselves using the computer. How to love maths again and not fear it. How the world is still a beautiful place, if you look for the peace and love and happiness in it. How one can forgive bullies and unfairness and move on. How one can make new friends in the place of those lost. How one can enjoy spending time with one's siblings. It was a healing year for us. Necessary. And it worked better than I could believe it myself.

During 2020 we started a more focussed routine. A more standardised curriculum. This is also the year of the pandemic and lockdowns. I was immensely grateful to God for pushing us in this homeschooling direction before all of that. With Monkeyman's heart condition, home was the safest place for him. And as a teacher, I would've hated the whole masking thing. 

Boeboe finalised most of her senior education work during 2020, and wrote her final schooling exams in February 2021. With her, we decided to go the American route, since she did not need the vigorous British qualification for what she wanted to do, like her brother did. She studied hard, through an online school, and achieved amazing marks in all her subjects. Passing first time with flying colours. We were all so very, very proud of her! She was finished with school. She had a matric certificate in her hand. It felt so surreal. And she achieved it a whole 9 months BEFORE the rest of her peer group did! She was only 17 and done with school in February already of her matric year. What an achievement! For a child they couldn't assure me would ever even be able to finish school, let alone excel.

The rest of 2021 I employed her as a paid assistant to help with her siblings' schooling and taking her little sister to the park regularly for socialisation with adult supervision. And in 2022, this year, Boeboe started as a first year student at a local private college, in graphic design. It suits her like a glove! She has learned so much and enjoyed every second so far. She achieves excellent marks and passed all 6 her subjects in June with flying colours, despite their high standards and difficulty level.

So how is it going with all her issues, which were the focus of this blog for so many, many years? Good. She is back on the medication that she was on as a little girl, and it's working well. She still have all the gain of function she got back after the untethering operation. It kept on improving for a few years after the surgery. I think she stabilised around 2015-2016, which was about 4-5 years after the operation, when she was about 12-13 years old. Until then, she just steadily continued to improve in minute little steps.

Though she still has some permanent lost function, unfortunately. She's not how she would've been if she never had the tethered cord. But she accepts that and lives well with whatever hand she was dealt. She has not had any regression at all, and the difference is incomparable from what she had before to after the operation. It was so so so so worth it. It gave her back her life. She is now almost like every other young adult. She has matured. All the areas she needed to catch up on, has been caught up.

She still have to compensate for her autism and everything that goes with that. Unfortunately there's no operation that helps for any of it. But she accepts who she is, with all her limitations and all her strengths. She does not always see what we see when we look at her. After the first 10 hard years of her life, the past almost 10 was such a change. Despite the “hiccup” in Grade 9 with the bully.

She grew from an angry, demanding, special-needs, difficult child into a beautifully controlled, compassionate, kind, sweet, generous, empathic mature woman. We are in awe. Of who she is, what she overcame, what she's achieving, and who she's clearly going to be. A human being that's worth knowing and loving, who gives more than she takes, who loves generously and compassionately, who's passionate and stubborn and fiery like her mom, but much kinder, sweeter, more innocent and faithful. Loyal to a t, exceptionally hard working and conscientious and even a bit ambitious. She doesn't take no for an answer if it doesn't make sense to her. 

She's methodical and think things through in a way I couldn't do at that age. It's as if she took everything bad in her life, and channelled it into her future as positives. It astounds us every day and again, me and her dad can just look at each other, shaking our heads and think.... how? But this time, in awe and in wonder. We have boundless respect and love for this strong, amazing, wonderful woman she has turned into. And simply cannot believe this is our daughter. That fiery, strong-willed, exceptional little girl with the wild curly hair and big dark eyes is now this beautiful grown-up person. We don't deserve her. And we are truly grateful that she has overcome so much in her life, and made it a strength. Even if she doesn't see or feel it. We can. It still amazes me when I think back over the past 20 years. Just absolutely astonishing, how far we all came.

I'll continue with Monkeyman's story here.