Having compassion...

Before I delve into what's on my mind, just a quick update. It's going well with my little family. I've been scarce, still, because yes, can you believe it, I'm STILL nauseous!! Gosh, 23 weeks pregnant and still having morning sickness (which of course isn't contained to mornings only). Just my luck. Apart from that and normal pregnancy complaints, and the horribly low bloodpressure, me and baby are doing absolutely fine. (S)he is a busy body! Kicking allot, and even having hickups at least once a day. Sometimes quite a bit irritating, LOL. Something bouncing up and down in rythme in your tummy. Funny feeling, that.

It's going well with the other 3 children as well. We had a quick holiday, much too short, where we rested quite a bit. The children played all day long, entertaining each other. And they read allot, which made mommy very happy of course. Boeboe is doing okay, not experiencing too many symptoms, just the normal everyday struggle with the tummy, and the rare bladder accident every second week or so. And of course, the regular falls, but now that it's winter, she's in shoes so it hurts less. We've made an appointment with her previous orthopeadic surgeon to first see what he thinks before we go ahead and build her shoe up. So at the moment, life is good all around for all of us. Monkeyman had his teeth fixed, and again, it looks absolutely beautiful. Thank goodness that's over and done with. He handled the anaesthesia like last time...not too well. :-( The dr was very kind, I held Monkeyman on my lap while the dr chatted to me, unobtrusively holding the little "pipe" under Monkeyman's chin. He just fell asleep! Amazingly easy. Unfortunately, afterwards he cried and fought bitterly, and was nauseous and tired the rest of the day. And again he got a sinus infection from the pipe down the throat, or the anaesthesia, or maybe it was a cold. In any case, after about 5 days he was back to himself, with 2 gorgeous new teeth and a wonderfully bright smile. :-)

So what has been on my mind...compassion. People that have it, or don't. Sometimes, I'm a hardheaded woman and stubborn about something. Like my passion about small children and creches. I'm pretty sure my compassion could be more in that regard. It's geared towards my point of view, as a SAHM. So my compassion may seem limitted to working mommies. But then, in other areas, I get astounded when I talk to people and see how little compassion they have towards other parents.

Like the newest "buzz-word". Gender Dissapointment, or for short, GD. So many, many women have this. When they wanted one specific gender and find out their unborn baby (or newborn) is the opposite gender. Some mommies cannot find it in their hearts to understand this absolute dissapointment, sadness and even a sense of failure. They feel that when you are able to HAVE a baby, and you have a HEALTHY baby, you should be grateful, over the moon and the happiest person alive. I can understand this lack of compassion, in some ways. Especially when it comes from a childless couple, who would give anything for a baby. Or when someone went through the terrible heartache of loosing a pregnancy, baby or child. Or when they personally know the intense struggle a parent goes through with a special needs baby. How could you blame them for showing no compassion toward those that's lucky enough to have a healthy, gorgeous baby. What should it matter what gender it is?

But it does. I personally know this. I've been through a miscarriage. I have a special needs child. I know the heartache both of those can cause. I have never lost a baby after birth, so I would never assume I know how those parents feel. But even throughout all my experiences, I STILL get it. I get the heartache, the longing, the anger, the dispair a mommy feels who wanted a little girl. I understand. And I show compassion. Because I too, could've been one of them. So easily, God could've given me 4 sons. As it is, I think He may have given me 3 sons. And I can't help but be sad and dissapointed. I love my boys. God knows, I love them with all my heart and soul and I would never, ever trade them for any other baby. They're mine.

But.

I want(ed) another little girl. I wanted the bows and butterflies and pink polka dots again. I wanted the little dresses, the dolls for Christmas, the softness that comes with only a little girl. I had the bugs, the dirty fingernails, the little cars and action figures twice now. I would've loved to have another go at the frilly again. But alas, something tells me that my feeling that this could be a little girl, is just wishful thinking. I can't be for sure. One night, I'll dream about a baby wrapped in a pink little blanket. And the next evening, I'll have the most gorgeous little boy that pops out without pain, LOL. So I have no idea what I'm having. The past few weeks, I'm having a strong suspicion that it's a boy. But I'm coming to terms that I'll be fine, either way. This is my last baby, and I would've loved to have 2 pigeon pairs. But, I will also be okay with 3 boys, because I already have my beautiful daughter who I prayed for so very very hard.

This gives me a little bit of a look inside the heartache of a mommy who have 2 or 3 boys and desperately wanted a little girl. It's not the baby boy who's the focus of the anger and sadness. It's the loss of the gender you wanted. The loss of a dream that now will never happen. The loss of a whole different life. The loss of so many possible futures. No wedding dress drama, no late-night girly talks, no cutex-evenings, no bows and dresses, no pink and purple frills, no playing Barbie dolls together or making tiny baby dresses for her dolls. So many losses. Big and small. Things that you'll never, ever have. Because you don't have that daughter you wanted so desperately.

This doesn't mean you don't love the 2nd (or 3rd or 4th) little boy you're carrying any less. It doesn't mean you wish him away or doesn't want to be pregnant anymore. It doesn't mean that you'll want to swop him after birth for a little girl! It just means that you have to come to terms with the loss of a dream you may have carried with you for 30 or even 40 years. To have a little girl of your own. To have the bond with that little girl, that you shared with your mother. Or like in my case, the loss of giving my daughter the sister she so desperately craves. The loss of giving her the love and support from a sister like I have.

Someone said that why is it that PND (post natal depression) gets recognised by almost everyone now as not the mommy's fault, and not in her control, but something like Gender Dissapointment gets frowned upon? How is it that one woman's depression about something, gets recognised and treated, while another has to hear it's "all in her head" and she has to "fix herself". How would we know how deep her dissapointment goes? How deep her sadness and depression goes? And what triggered it? I agree with that person. Just as PND is real, and not the mommy's fault or in her control to "just fix it", people should understand that gender dissapointment may also not be in that person's control or ability to "just fix herself". She too may need time and support.

How can people not be compassionate about this? How could they be so harsh, to judge these feelings, these mommies, for feeling that way?

Same goes for other parenting issues and choices. Like formula vs breastfeeding, natural vs Csection, SAHM vs working mommy, private school vs public school, junk food vs all-healthy diets, etc.

From as long as I can remember, I wanted children. Especially a little girl, but any baby would do. I played dolls until after the age where my peers were already dating boys and worry about make-up and periods. It's all I ever wanted out of life. A baby. So from the start, my mom would tell (or rather warn) me that I must not be fixated on a natural/vaginal birth. Because I'm a tiny, thin, frail little thing. Severely underweight, short and the thinnest bone structure you can imagine. She told me about c-section and that I must be prepared about it.

I would always be grateful to her for this preparation. I went into my first labour with huge, open eyes. I knew it was a chance only. I knew it's something I want, and something I wanted to try for. Natural birth. But I also knew that once I tried, I would be satisfied with any outcome, as long as baby is fine. So when, after 10 hours of active labour, my baby got stuck, I happily agreed to a c-section. The one nurse came to me, put her hand on my arm and told me that I must not feel like a failure. That I must not be sad about it. I looked at her all bewildered and then at my husband, silently mouthing "what's this woman going on about??". Because to me, it really was fine. A few hours later my baby was born via c-sect and I didn't mind one bit. I had my contractions and labour. I had my wish. I now know how contractions feel like. I know what is labour. I know the pain and the fear and the excitement and the buzz. I may not know what the last pushing stage feel like, but I'm okay with that. I had the experience I wanted. And my baby turned out just fine. Healthy, strong and the best sleeper ever!

But having wanted a natural birth, and getting a c-section in return, I can understand other women's dissapointment. It's a process. Sometimes a long and hard process that can even take years, or until you have a 2nd baby. Or maybe never. Who are we, to judge those women who cry about it? They can't just shut their feelings, turn the tap off and ignore it all? So how can we judge them because they have that feelings? Let them process it. Support them. Try to understand that they didn't ask to feel that way. It is what it is. Let them be sad. Let them be angry. Let them be dissapointed. Don't deny them their feelings, by telling them their baby's health is more important. They know that. They're not stupid.

Same with breastfeeding. I was one of the very very lucky ones. I breastfed like it was something I did all my life. With my small frame and lack of any fat on any part of my body, I don't have the cupsize one would think is necessary for breastfeeding. So growing up, I would say "eeuuwww", I'm never going to do that. Part of it was fear of what breastfeeding would do to my already non-existing womanly look, and part of it was revulsion for something so animalistic!! How silly I've been!! So, once pregnant and reading all the books, I realised that I wanted to do this for my baby. Because it would keep him healthy. So I tried. Again with a very open mind. I bought all the bottles and tools necessary to formula feed for just in case. I would see how it goes. So even when they gave my baby formula (long story) once after birth, I wasn't too upset because this was all a trial-run for me in any case! Then, within a week, I had so much milk I almost (ya, okay, really just almost!) looked like Dolly Parton. And suddenly, I felt sooooo proud and happy and like I was the only woman ever to achieve something so amazing as making her baby's own milk. Feeding him exactly what and how much he needs. And seeing him shot out from the 75th percentile to the 97th on what my body did! I felt ontop of the world! I felt invincible. I felt like if I could do this for my baby, I could do anything. I felt like the best mommy to this baby. And it made me so happy. It came so naturally, so easy. I totally forgot about c-sections vs vaginal birth. Because what did that matter, when here I was feeding my own child, out of my own body, with so much success and ease. And watching him turn into the most friendly, fat, squealing little baby who slept through from age 5 weeks, just cemented this feeling that I did my child good. I did him good. Wow.

And I became a breastfeeding expert and tried to convince everyone in my path about how wonderful this is, and how wonderful it could be. But then, I read about other people's heartache. Those who tried, and couldn't breastfeed. Or those that chose to formula feed for whatever personal reason, and now get bashed and made to feel guilty about choosing something "less good" for their babies. And I realised that I didn't want to be made out as less of a mother because I couldn't have my baby naturally. Why should someone that formula feeds, be made out less of a mother? It doesn't diminish my fervent believe in the good of breastmilk. But I can still have compassion for the mommy that chose formula, for whatever reason. I can still try to understand why she wanted or needed to do it. And I can still support her that formula can be good for a baby too. That her baby can also thrive and be contend and happy. That she too, may have done good for her baby, even if he was born via a c-section, got formula from the start and never co-slept or whatever other decision his parents made.

We mommies, we should be more compassionate. We should understand that each of us have unique circumstances. We have unique wishes and experiences that moulded us in our lives. That we cannot live each other's lives. We cannot be in one another's shoes. We have to create our own happiness, and should stop living through others. Of course we can be pro towards some choices, like natural birth, or co-sleeping. But we should stop judging those that believe it's not essential for a happy, thriving baby. We should stop making that mommy feel guilty about her choice, by being too vocal about what we believe is right or wrong. And we should stop feeling guilty for our own choices, when we read about someone else's choices. She has the right to feel ontop of the world, because she was able to deliver vaginally. Let her be happy about it! Rejoice with her! Don't deny her feeling proud for what her body achieved. And don't feel guilty, because you think she thinks less of you for not being able to do it. Be proud of what you have achieved. A healthy, gorgeous baby who loves you and his daddy more than any other person in this world.

As a passionate, argumentative person myself, I so easily fall into the trap of trying to convince people of how right I am. That what I do, or did, must be the best choice because look at how well it turned out for me. But who am I to say what is best for another mommy, or another baby? How can I be so presumptious to know what another baby needs? I totally believe in the saying "Mommy knows best". Each mother knows their child intimately. They know what they need, and what is best for them.

Today, my 4-year old came to sit close to me, laying his head on my shoulder and looking adoringly up into my eyes...and he said "Mommy, you're my very best mommy". Aawww. So sweet. Not that he has any choice of any other mommy, but that's fine. All that matters, is that I'm his very best mommy. :)

The gender debate...

Since we told the children that we're going to have another baby in the house, Boeboe has been adamant that it must be a little girl. She already has 2 brothers, she now also wanted a sister. She prayed for it for months, every night. That God will let this baby be a little girl. She understood that we don't have a choice in the matter, and that it could be either a boy or a girl. When I once asked her if she'll love another baby in the house if it isn't a little girl, she answered: "Of course. It's a baby. I loved Monkeyman even though he was a boy!". And that's Boeboe for you! So it's not that I fear that she won't love the new baby, I know she will. But, for her sake, I've been hoping that she'll get a sister one day. Mine means so much to me, I do believe every girl deserves to have a sister.

So in the beginning of this pregnancy, we assumed it will be for the best if we find out the answer. For Boeboe's sake. But then we started wondering. I sat down with Boeboe a few weeks ago and explained to her that we do have another option. That we don't have to find out the gender. That we can wait until baby is born, before we know. And that it will then be a big surprise.

Well, she surprised me!! She immediately grabbed onto the idea and from then on was adamant that we shouldn't find out the gender. We also told Mr N, who also found the idea intriguing. So, on the eve of my 16-week visit with the gynae, we sat down as a family. Because I have private health care in our country, I get a sonar with every 4-week visit at the gynae, and we knew she'd be able to tell us the gender this time (at 12 weeks it was just too early).

So we needed to decide, will we find out, or will we wait? After some discussions, no one could for sure say yay or nay. Mr N then had the bright idea that we must put it to a vote. He gave each one a piece of paper and we had to write it down. Afterwards, he and Boeboe collected everyone's votes and read the verdict. I was the only one that voted yay!! The rest, all the kids and daddy, voted no! So, that was the final decision. :) We thus have requested the gynae at our last visit to not reveal the gender, and she's taken care to make sure of that. Both me and my hubby has this "suspicion" that it's a boy, but sometimes I'll have this feeling of pink. In the beginning of the pregnancy, I thought the baby to be a little girl. So now I'm not really sure. Not at all. With the other 3 I was quite sure from the start, and right every time. This time, I just don't know!! And it frustrates me, LOL. I loved having that instinctive feeling of what it was, the other times. And I got those feelings before a sonar confirmed it for me.

In fact, with Mr N we didn't find out the gender either! I instinctively knew it was a boy, but we still decided to not find out. And it was lovely! We bonded with baby because it was our baby, not because of a certain gender. We loved him/her for what (s)he is. It really didn't matter to me or my husband. People didn't like it, they tried to convince us to find out. Even now, while we're doing it again, they immediately go into defensive mode and tell us how they had to find out. Because they needed to know for whatever reason. Well, we don't have those reasons! We don't need those reasons. Can't you understand that? Like the gynae said...there's so few things left in this world to be surprised about. Why not enjoy this gift for what it is? I don't have any problem bonding with a genderless baby. Why would the gender play a role there? Well, it doesn't for me. My baby is my baby. I love him or her just as (s)he is. With any faults/abnormalities/issues that may come with the baby. Why would the gender then be a distinctive marker? Well, to me it isn't. Oh, I wanted a little girl! I desperately wanted to have all that pink experiences again. I had the blue twice now, so I wanted the pink again. I tried for a little girl, and obsessed about it. Until I fell pregnant. Then, of course, those feelings mostly fell away. Now, this is just my baby. It doesn't matter who or what it turns out to be. I'll love it fiercly, like all my other children.

So, why do people get defensive about their choice of finding out the gender? Why do they feel the need to immediately reply to my "we're not finding out the gender" comment, to go into elaborate and passionate reasons about why one should know the gender? It has baffled me. Why would my choice illicit such a vehement defence of theirs? It's not as if their choices is going to change my mind?! So could it be guilt? Do they feel guilty for needing to find out the gender? I don't know.

We had both. We had the surprise with Mr N. And we found out the gender with both Monkeyman and Boeboe. And of those 3, the surprise was MUCH nicer!! There was just NO comparison for me. But when I tell people this, they brush it off as clearly not that big a deal. But they don't hear me. It was MUCH nicer FOR US. I'm not saying it should or would be nicer for other people. But WE, we loved the surprise! For US, it was the better deal. Waiting and bonding with our baby for 9 months regardless of who or what (s)he turns out to be, and then hearing that "It's a boy!" yell of surprise and excitement from the gynae....the moment was priceless. Of all 3 my births, of all the thousands of little moments that made the 3 births special, that's the one that stood out for me. And I want that again.

Yes, I voted to find out. Because I'm human and wanted to go buy a pink or blue babygrow and blanket. But I'm happy that I was veto'ed. That we get to have this surprise again. Yesterday, I took Boeboe shopping and we had a look at the baby clothes. We bought a few non-gender specific white things, and she was loving every moment. But she did say, oh, how will we be able to wait!! Because of all those beautiful little pink and blue babygrows....ah, bliss. I just told her we'll come and shop as soon as baby was born. :) And we'll buy all the pink or blue we want. In the meantime, white, yellow, lime and peach will have to do. She was satisfied with that. So, for now, we're only shopping for a few newborn babygrows. Most of what I need, I'll get after the birth. Fortunately I don't need much. We have loads of clothes in the cupboard from Boeboe and the boys, and we have all the baby stuff like a pram, a stroller, a cot, a camping cot, a carry cot, a donut, a babygym, carseats, a bumboseat, a seat to clip onto our table, sheets and other bedding, etc. We don't need much for this baby, except a few toiletries, newborn nappies and of course I want a few new newborn outfits for in the hospital. And just because I can. :)

Now, we have to wait for our little suprise baby in less than 5 months...can't wait to hear the gynae's voice yelling "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!". :)

Birthdays and podiatrists

Well, it's not been a very good month. Not particularly bad, just a few little things that made it a not-so-good month.

It's not that there was so much wrong. Just some small things For one, Boeboe is having a hard time with so many things. She had an accident at school. She's also complaining about backache. There's a point over her scar which I can't touch, then she says "Ouch". And she complains about pins and needles and aches in her legs, which I guess is "normal". But difficult to hear and not know what to do about it. Her legs looked so bad last week. A long scratch over her thigh, the bridge of her feet skinned at one point, a blue mark on her shin. It sometimes break my heart to look at those thin, spindly legs and see the damage her weak feet/ankles are causing her with stumblings and fallings.

And in the meantime, I feel like I'm fighting a lost battle with the constipation and accidents. Sometimes I just want to go and sit in a corner and cry, because I feel like I'm not cut out for this. And that makes me feel so guilty, because I love her so much and I know her life is so difficult and I should concentrate on making it better for her, not on how I feel about it, which really is irrelevant in the bigger scheme of things.

Then, if that's not enough, Boeboe is struggling at school. Schooling in South Africa, in the Afrikaans schools at least, happens at an extremely hectic pace. It's geared toward the smarter, quicker child. The top 10 or 15 in the class will keep at the pace. But the rest just drags behind. Everything is always just a struggle for them. It's just too much for a child that's not hyper academic. So Boeboe struggles. Struggle to learn cursive writing, English spelling and tenses, her home language Afrikaans, multiplication, etc. Thus, her homework takes TIME. Sometimes even up to 2 hours a day. And that is after she was at school for 6 hours already. They've now requested that she attend extra classes after school twice a week. For which I'm grateful. I'm sure it will help her ALLOT. But it's not easy. She's just so tired, very very tired of work work work. The poor thing, she's just 8 and it's just so unfair. When I was 8, I barely got 20 minutes of homework, had much easier work to cope with and not extra things going on in my life. My days consisted out of riding my bike in the street, playing with my neighbourhood friend across the street, or just playing with my siblings in our garden. I just remember happiness, sunshine and security and love surrounding me. I didn't like my grade 3 teacher much, but that and the fact that I burnt my hand very badly that year, was the only complaints I had at age 8. So much less than my poor Boeboe has to cope with. If the load on her is so heavy now, will she cope when she's 12? Or 16? Or 22? Will this build her, or break her?

So to top all of this, a boy at school pushed her (I don't think it was with intent) and she stumbled forward while loosing her balance. Causing her to scrape her foot very badly at precisely the same spot as last year when it took soooo long to heal. I realised this is it, we can't leave her like this. She was so sad and down about why she always has to hurt on her feet. I popped into a podiatrist and made an appointment. He gave her one look, got a very interesting expression on his face and asked her to walk up and down the hallway. Nothing strange about this, she had to do this literally tens of times before for doctors. None the wiser of why she would stumble so much or why her toes would drop down and scrape the floor (causing her to stumble).

This doctor immediately showed me. It's because her right leg is sligtly shorter than the left! We knew of this difference, but everyone assured us it's not a big enough difference to have any impact on her life!!! Well, it's quite clear how she tries to compensates with her shorter right leg, and when she can't, or gets tired, she doesn't, and then stumbles. Thus, hurting her feet. It's so clear now! So the only solution they have for us, is that she'll have to stop going barefoot (and she loves it so much!!!). It's such a pity, they even go to school barefoot until age 13. Well, she'll have to get an implant to give her right foot a lift, and then wore the shoes every day. I'm going to the shoe makers tomorrow, to ask how much it will be, and how does it work. If it's expensive and fixed to a shoe, we'll ask the school to make a conscesion towards her. That she doesn't need to wear her schoolshoes, but her special build-up sandal then. It's really so hot in our country, to go around at school in shoes and shocks will be terribly uncomfortable. Boeboe is excited. She just wants a solution where she won't hurt anymore. I'm sad. It's just another thing on my baby's road. When will it stop?

So if that was all worries I had, I still would've been fine. But in the meantime, poor Monkeyman has broken another 2 teeth, and I had to forcibly took him to the dentist. She was fortunately her wonderful self and put him at ease. Unfortunately, he needs another session of anaesthesia so that she can do 2 rootcanals and put in pins to build new teeth. I know it's necessary. I can see the damage the broken teeth has. It's all coloured very badly. Green/brown/black. So I really feel helpless about this. Something we just have to do. But I hate hate hate anaesthesia, especially for the kids. I can just cry about it all. :( This will be his third anaesthesia in his short life, and all just because of his teeth!

Of course, like usual, it's going well at least with Mr N. He's really loving life at the moment. He's reading allot, finding schoolwork easy and even enjoyable, playing tennis and chess for extra-curricular activities and he got a PSP for his birthday which is of course just the cherry on the cake for a boy his age. He's really happy, I believe, at the moment. I think allot of it has to do with the fact that he doesn't feel overwhelmed or overworked. Since grade 2, I've taught him to do his own work and homework. It has helped allot in grade 3, I've just given him the responsibility of his work, and that taught him that he has to do it, the sooner the better. So in grade 4, they get work during class to do. If they finish, they're done for the day with that subject. If they don't finish, they have to go and finish it as homework at home. This has worked out perfectly for Mr N's personality. He prefers doing whatever he can in class, so that he has afternoons "off". So even now, in grade 5, he has soooooo little homework. It's really fantastic. At first, I worried, because other parents would complain at how much homework their grade 4 and 5 kids get, and I would ask what are they talking about? Because Mr N does nothing! Then I found out it's because he works hard during class to finish everything. He'll even finish for example Maths during English class, when his English is done and he has some time left during English period. Anything just so that he doesn't have to do homework at home. While poor Boeboe still does 1-2 hours of work every day. I just hope that she'll be able to at least try to do it like Mr N in grade 4 next year.

Well, again, if it was only the 3 children's issues, I could've still coped. But, I've been nauseous for more than 70 days straight. Day after day after day. Sometimes, I get the impression people think just because so many women suffer it, and so many women have it for weeks or months at a time, that it "can't be so bad". That having a stomach bug for 24 hours, is much much worse. Well, I've got news for them. It isn't. At this stage, I feel like I've had had a stomach bug for 70 days. More than 2 months. 10 Weeks. Every, single day. It leaves me weak, tired, in pain (headache and stomach). I know, it's "normal". I know it means the baby is healthy. That the pregnancy is doing well. That the placenta is doing its job. And I'm really grateful for that. But I've really had enough of being nauseous!!! Gosh, I hope it's over soon. Fortunately, the only other bad complaint I have, is the extreme dizzyness. It does not matter what I do or eat. The amount of salt or sugar or coke or chocolates or whatever I try. Nothing stops it or makes it better. I can barely stand up straight for more than 10min, and walking around is even worse. Which makes shopping a trying episode each time. I think the people in our local Checkers and Spar has now come to know me, sitting on the lower shelve in an isle somewhere. Sometimes, my body even can't cope with the shelve, and I have to lie down on the floor. It's humiliating in the extreme. But what else can I do? Some things just can't be ordered over the phone. Ah well, I know it's temporary. I just need to hang in there 5 more months. I can do that. :) It's so worth it. And apart from these two "normal" pregnancy complaints, I'm really having such a lovely, straightforward, easy pregnancy. Especially compared to my first 2 where I've already been booked off work by this stage, to try and save my baby. The worst was when the contractions started at this stage with my first. That was hard. Very, very hard. Sometimes I still marvel when I look at him today, that he's made it through that pregnancy. Same with Boeboe. So I'm grateful for another easy pregnancy where the baby is just growing normally, I don't have any complications and everything is just hunky dory. Now, if only this nausea can take a hike...

So ya, that's life at the moment. A bit of a struggle, but with a twinkle in the eye. Of course, last month was also my sons' birthdays. They had so much fun, even though we decided not to have parties this year. Monkeyman had a school party. We took partypacks and cupcakes to school, he got gifts and blew candles and they sang 3 songs to him. He was really happy and loved every minute of it. Mr N took a few sweet things to school as well, to hand out, and that was good enough for him. We took both of them, with their grandparents, to Spur for breakfast one morning, where they also were sang at and got to be the middle of attention for a while. And we invited just a few friends and family to come and share both of their cakes with them one afternoon, where they again got to blew candles. So even without any formal parties, they were still spoiled and had great birthdays. I'm so happy for them. And more happy for me that didn't have to organise any big parties where I had to cater for 20 kids and 30 adults....LOL.

So here's some photo's:


Mr N's cake. He decorated it ALL by himself and had so much fun!



Monkeyman's cake. He too decorated it by himself!

Blowing candles! I couldn't post the actual pics where they blow the candles, because there's some other children on the photo and I don't have their parents' permission to post their pictures on the net. Oh, and the facepaint is from their morning breakfast at Spur (a family restaurant with a great children's play area).



The two birthday boys! Eleven and four. You can clearly see the broken teeth in this picture. :( I'll post a pic once we've fixed that in 2 weeks time.



In their same shirts!

Monkeyman on his birthday (a few days after Mr N's). Opening his "big" present. He's telling everyone how lucky he was to get such a BIG present on his birthday, LOL. He's been playing with that garage every day since his birthday.

Monkeyman at his schoolparty where he was "king" for the day, opening one of his prezzies. Again, I can't show much of the photo's I took because of the other children in the picture.

Such a happy little boy. :)

Our news :-)

Firstly, I have to say....I'm soooo sorry for being so very very lax with this blog. I'm definitely going to change that from now on. The problem was that I wasn't feeling too well the past 2 months, and the reason is:

So, like the piece I'm going to post on FB:

For those that don't know yet:
Yes, I'm pregnant.
Yes, we want this baby very much.
No, we're not crazy. Not yet anyway. Maybe in about 6 months time we will be!
No, we're not rich or think children are inexpensive.
No, it wasn't an “accident”. No baby is ever an accident.
No, I'm not too old. Not accordingly to my dr anyway!
Yes, I'm healthy. Yes, baby is healthy.
No, we don't know the gender yet.
No, I don't know (yet) how we're going to handle 4. Any tips?
Yes, our car can take 7 people, so at least that's sorted.
Yes, we have enough rooms in the house to fit baby in somewhere. Would the closet do?

I'm of course over the moon and beyond excited!! :) Only big problem was that I was extremely nauseous. And due to my age, we kept it secret until we knew everything should be allright. I'm now 14 weeks, and it seems like the nausea is slowly starting to improve. I haven't been as tired as with the other pregnancies, which is fabulous. I do have that lack of energy feeling, but not the "my eyes close after lunch all by themselves" feeling. I do sometimes, about once or twice a week, catch an afternoon nap. But with the other pregnancies I fell asleep every afternoon for hours, and then again by 8pm at night. Now, I read until midnight every night, no problem. I really seem to handle pregnancy allot easier the older I get, LOL. Let's hope and pray it lasts for the whole 9 months.

The only other complaint I really have, is the dizzyness. I've fainted quite a few times, twice in shops which was pretty awful, hahahaha. So embarressing!! But, no harm done (except to my fragile ego!). I just have to take things slower, and try not to go shopping for more than about an hour at a time (very limitting). But it's fine, I'll take that any day above the horrors I had to deal with during the first 2 pregnancies, so I'm not really complaining too hard. And with the nausea starting to get better, I really do feel good. Healthy, happy, contend and doing well. Not bad for an old woman, hey?!

The kids are of course, also over the moon. Mr N is cautiously excited. Typical of his personality. We have a saying in Afrikaans which translates to "rather watch the cat out of the tree". He doesn't react rashly, he takes his time to consider all aspects and see how things develop. So in the beginning, he was scared. Now, he's getting excited. But still concerned for me, so sweet.

Monkeyman is very pleased with the fact, and doesn't seem jealous at all. He's quite worried about the baby, and was superexcited when he heard the heartbeat the first time. It seems to really mean something to him. As if he really got it, the moment he heard that heartbeat. And just today, he told me "your tummy is getting a little bigger now". LOL, so he notices baby grows, and he's excited at the prospect of holding a baby "soon". (He complains that it's taking too long!) He's always loved babies, fortunately. Loved holding them. Only problem is, he wants a brother! He says he needs another brother, LOL.

Boeboe, of course, wants a sister! She begs and pleads in her prayers every night that baby will be a little girl. She's really sooooo excited and really, really, really happy about this baby. She cried when I told her it will be our last, because after this I'm asking the dr to fix me so that I can't have any more babies (like our dog, LOL). She seems to understand, but she would've loved having LOTS more baby sisters and brothers. Wish I could grant her wish, shame. At least she gets to have one more go at being the big sister. For her sake, I hope it's a little girl. She's going to be such a help, I know I'm going to have to fight her on having turns to hold and bath and dress our baby! :)

Usually, I had dreams about my babies, so I knew their genders from pretty early on. I had strong feelings/instincts about it, and I've always been right. This time, I just don't have that strong instinct, and I don't dream about the baby!! Strange. My guess would be it's a little girl, but I think it's more wishful thinking than instinct. So we'll have to just wait and see. I was more worried about Spina Bifida of course, than the gender. I took mega doses of folic acid so the dr is pretty sure baby is fine. The sonars shows a perfect little spine, so for now, we'll just have to believe baby will be okay.

So that's what's up in our life. All that happened the past 2 months, was holiday!!! I was quite grateful that it was school holiday so that I could just feel ill in peace without having to cart the kids around, help them study for exams and with homework! Unfortunately, school has now started up again. Boeboe is now grade 3, and though it started off very difficult with them needing to suddenly write in cursive language, she's now doing much better. She's really surprising me, and I'm starting to really relax about her. She's tough enough to overcome any obstacle in her life, even though she may not know it yet. Only worries with her is that she's complaining about back and leg pain these days. The backpain is disturbing. I'm almost having small panick attacks everytime I think about it, but for now I'm just keeping an eye on it before overreacting too soon. Thank goodness she herself decided sport and dancing activities is too hard on her, so she chose Art as her afterschool activity this year. She had her first class, and enjoyed it sooooo much. I'm so relieved she found something that is just hers. Not following in Mr N's footsteps or trying to be as good as he is in something.

Mr N is now grade 5, and still like a fish in water. No problems, except that his meds (I think!) is making him a bit craggy. But we'll sort that out. He's doing so well in school. Nothing is too difficult, and he's always doing most of his work during school hours, which leaves him with almost no homework in the afternoons. Just amazing, I don't know how he does it, but there's no complaints from the teachers (yet) so I have to assume he's doing fine. I wish Boeboe could've had life as easy as he has it.

Monkeyman has started school and it didn't go so well in the beginning. So I left him home for 2 weeks, and then took him again last week and today. And wow, suddenly he loves it! I took him on a day when there were only 8 other kids at school, and I believe that made ALL the difference. He has since asked to go to school every day, but I decided to only take him once a week, for now. Today, he did so well, he told me I could leave him there. So I did (feeling VERY sorry for myself, LOL). I went shopping for an hour, and when I got back, he was just a happy little camper amongst his friends. He's just suddenly READY. I knew it! I knew I just had to wait, that we'll both know when he's ready. My husband kept on telling me that, but typical mom, I still worried. Well, it was unnecessary. The only worry I have with our little monkey, is that ANOTHER 2 teeth broke. Sniff sniff. I'm sooooo sad about it, and he's really upset that I want to take him to the dentist. But I have to, it's turning all green now. It's the 2 next to the 2 that was fixed less than a year ago. That was build up with pins. I'm pretty sure we're going to have to walk the same road again with this 2 as well. So then all the frontal top teeth will be "fake" teeth. Aijaijai, poor thing. :(

Another reason I was so quiet, is because my laptop broke, and our PC gave problems. It was quite a struggle. Everything is still not working as well as it should.

Well, here's some holiday pictures.

Camping, we took a big boat with for the kids to enjoy.

Isn't it a gorgeous place? And we were just a few campers, so regularly had the pool all to ourselves!

Monkeyman also wants to steer the boat, LOL.

Like a fish in water. We had such a struggle everytime to get her out of the pool. :)

Caught a butterfly. She just loves catching and playing with all kinds of bugs and animals. Shongololos is of course, one of her favourites!

Christmas Eve at Grandma's place.

So excited!

Even when you're 11, you can't wait for Christmas Eve!!

Christmas morning, after Father Christmas brought some more gifts.

Our lovely Monkeyman.

Beautiful Boeboe, so happy with her gifts.

And our big Mr N, he had so much fun with all his gifts.

Back at home. They're both so excited about the "baby in mommy's tummy".

Working vs staying-at-home

I can't believe it's December already. The children are on summer holiday!!! We're having a blast at home. Though, poor Mr N had a strep-throat last week that really caught him badly. Even had the rash! Very similar to the scarlet fever he had the year before, except no strawberry tongue this time. Fortunately, nobody contracted it from him. Unfortunately, he was too ill to attend his school's merits evening. He was invited, but we still don't know for what exactly.

We received Boeboe's books back for the term, and wow, we were impressed! She did so very very well. Her understanding is definitely much better. I'm so pleased for her. And I'm hoping for a MUCH less hectic year with her next year. She'll be going to grade 3, which I found the easiest of the grades 1-3 with Mr N. The work is less intense, mostly hammering in of certain concepts. So not so much overwhelmingly new work. And they're old enough to start doing nearly all homework by themselves. Except of course, still reading to mom every day. :) She's taken to reading so much! She reads in bed every night. Not for long, but she loves it and it makes me soooooo happy. She says she wants to become clever. Her teacher told her reading makes you clever, LOL.

She's still throwing tantrums, still having accidents, still hurting her feet. But she's doing so well in other ways, that I'd rather concentrate on that now. Yesterday, she did 2 things that her brother forgot. Both were told the same 2 things to remember, and only she did. I was very surprised, stunned and happy about that! Happy that my responsible boy can have fun and be irresponsible for a change, and extremely happy that my careless, "loskop" daughter can be responsible for a change, and REMEMBER. Using her memory! It was a great feeling. I rewarded her with a much wanted packet of sweets, LOL. Oh, for those non-Afrikaans people..."loskop" means to be loose in your head. So you're not thinking. You're careless. You're all over the place. Hope this makes sense?

It's also going well with Monkeyman. He's getting quite a personality these past few weeks. When he's upset or angry, he needs to remove himself, hide and take time to recover. It's so sweet and cute. First child of mine that does/need that. Totally opposite of Boeboe! Who will keep on screaming, tantrumming, until her anger/frustration/hurt was dealt with by me...sympathising, disciplining, etc. Monkeyman just needs a minute to be by himself, then he'll be all happy and loving and smiling again. Amazing.

Anyway, I didn't just want to give an update today. I've been mulling something over in my head. Wondering at people's reactions. Those that know me, knows that I'm very passionate about a few things. One of them is the schooling situation in our country. I can't speak for all cultures, all cities, all people in SA. So I'm just going to speak from my point of view...which is middle class, professional people. Most women like me, about 70% I'd guess, works. Either out of choice, or necessity. Most people choose the lifestyle that goes with getting 2 salaries. I don't blame them. I would most likely have done the same, if I wasn't in the fortunate position where we could (almost) reach that lifestyle with only one salary. But, I had the option, so I chose to be a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). So my experiences and viewpoints are from this experience, of course.

I have an issue with creches for small babies. Lots of issues with it. I won't go into it now, because it'll take too long. But I understand that when you work (want to or are forced to), that you'll have to look at the positives to be able to drop your 4-month old baby in a teacher's arms 5 days a week, for about 8-9 hours. Some of my friends even have to leave their babies for up to 11 hours, if traffic is bad, etc.

What I do want to talk about, is the way some mothers not only turn this into a positive...but a necessity!!! This really shock me. I try to be sympathetic, or stay out of it by not replying in conversations, but it bugs me. It really, really bugs me. So the past few months, I've had a couple of "run-ins" with other mothers who told me their opinion. Every time I've decided to not reply, because I know myself. I feel too passionate about it, and it WILL come out wrong. A very good SAHM friend of mine once told me that we (SAHM's) will never understand working moms, because of the choice we've made. We didn't make the choice because we just felt like it. We made the choice because of WHO we ARE. It's ingrained in us. It's part of us. That means we have a totally different outlook in life. Not because we're a SAHM. But...we're a SAHM because of that outlook. It's a fundamental difference between the two groups. And that's why we don't understand working mommies (I'm generalising here, of course). And why they don't understand us. And that's why working mommies tend to be friends with working mommies, and SAHM's tend to be friends with other SAHM's. Of course, this doesn't mean I don't have working mommy friends. I'm again, just generalising for the sake of the argument.

Anyway, what happened was that I was having a really hard time with Monkeyman's shyness the past 6 months. Sometimes I wonder if it started by me "abandoning" him with Boeboe's operation in April, or if it's just an age thing or what. But at some point, I realised he's really the worst of my 3 (shy) kids. It's really painful to him. Let me explain.

When we go to a children's party, visiting friends, go to his playschool, etc. Any place where there's other CHILDREN (he has NO problem with adults!!) he will climb on my lap. He'll refuse to speak, and if any child (except his siblings) would just so much as look at him, he'll hide his face under my arm, head turned away into me. He'll even close his eyes. If the child will try to speak to him, he won't even just hide, he'll literally starts crying, or being upset. Even at school if the children starts to sing a song together, he'll be terrified.

Now, you may think this is extreme and abnormal. But to me, it's not. It's me. That's how I was. That's how I am. So I don't mind it much. Not at all. I know that he CAN and WILL grow out of most of it, and start to socialise when he's ready. I know this, because I know HIM. The way he acts around his siblings, is so totally normal. He'll be exuberant, playful, running around, not needing me at all. And when he's in safe surroundings, like his house, and only ONE child visits, he'll be fine! If there's 2, he'll be a little timid, but after a while, starts to play with them. If we visit one child, he'll take a few minutes and then starts to play. When we visit a house with more than 1 child, it'll take him a bit longer. You see the pattern? If there's allot of children, even those he knows well, like friends' kids, he'll take about an hour to start playing.

So what's my point? The fact that a number of friends and family (all working mommies) has made me understood that in their opinion, I'm the problem. Not Monkeyman. It's because of ME that he's like that. They say, if I would just FORCE him to go to school, he'll learn to socialise and enjoy it. He's hanging onto me, accordingly to them, because I'm the one that can't let go.

I think the emotion I feel the most clearly after these accusations, is sadness. Sadness for their callousness. Sadness for what I guess they did to their children. Sadness for the way they see the world. Sadness for their children that is forced into situations they can't handle. Sadness for how little they understand me, and the dynamics between me and my children. Sadness for how little they understand my child. Sadness for how little sympathy and empathy they have for my child.

I guess it's like being thrown into the deep water to teach someone to swim. Yes, it works for some children. Yes, it's one way of handling the "problem". But WHY do I NEED to do THAT? There's soooooo many other options! Why am I being blamed, for choosing the typical SAHM option, and not the Working mommy option? Why is it "normal" in our country, our society, for a child to be ripped away from their mothers when they're not ready? Why should a 4-month old be away from their mother? Why should a 2-year old be away from their mother? Why should a 4-year old be away from their mother? If they're not ready? What's so WRONG about being WITH your mother? Needing her? Wanting her? At what age should this separation happen? Clearly not at 4-months? So if people can do that to their 4-month old babies, why do they need to tell me I'm the wrong one in this equation, just because my child is 3? How can MY wrong, be so wrong, and THEIR choices just be what's right/acceptable/good? How and why did this happen to society? Where it's MORE right for a 4-month old to be away from their mother, than a 3-year old being close to their mother??!!

My opinion is that children DO grow up. They DO gain independence. I never hold my children BACK on purpose. But I also don't PUSH them into something they're clearly not ready to do. WHY? What will I gain? What will the kid gain? And at what cost? If the cost, the hurt, seems more to me than the bit of independence gained, why should I do it? Independence WILL come. If I force it or not. So why force it? I really don't see Monkeyman still sitting on my lap age 6 in grade R! Or hiding his face from a group of children. And I'll be ready for him to go as well. Just like with the other two. I was about the only mom with both Mr N and Boeboe that wasn't crying when I dropped them off for their first day of school. Why did I need to cry? It was a happy day! They were starting this whole, brand new experience for which they were so ready, so looking forward to it. They had no need to cling to me. They didn't cry. They smiled and waved goodbye. Because they were secure and independent.

In my opinion, from my experience, children starts to gain independence and develop in huge leaps and bounds around age 4-5. I'm sure Monkeyman too will get this boost. So he WILL be fine in a year's time. So why force him to stay at school, crying for his mother, while I drive away? The kids I've seen who that has been done with, is no more independent than my eldest two. In fact, both Mr N and Boeboe is, as I mentioned, quite independent and doing very well for their age. The grade R teacher even commented to me once that Mr N had the easiest adjustment to school she's ever seen. And that for a child who's never been to school until he was about 4 years old, and then only went to school once a week. Age 5 he went twice a week and everyone warned me that I should get him "into routine" of going 5 times a week. And I couldn't understand WHY. He'll get into routing WHEN he's going 5 days a week. If it's in playschool at age 5, or in Grade R at age 6, what difference would it make? Both me and him were loving it having him home 3 days a week (later on 2 days) at age 4 and 5. He loved going to school, but he also loved staying at home. It was always a relaxing decision. I've never ever had to force one of my kids to go to school when they didn't want to, until they started grade R (and even since then it's almost never a problem. They've never even faked illness to get out of school!).

They've never cried for me, while I drove away. And I sincerely believe I'm reaping the rewards with my 2 eldest. Both being confident, adjusting easily to new situations and new teachers. Even this year, with grade 4 being SO much different than grade 3, Mr N was like a fish in water. Not even registering the changes as big. He just adapted and continued. So no, neither of the eldest two are still attached to my pants. They can easily go play all day at a friends house, or have a sleepover, without missing mom much. They love being at home, and being with their parents, just like I did when I was a child.

So if it turned out so well for them, why should I change it with Monkeyman, just because his shyness is worse than theirs was? You get my point, I guess. As you can see, I'm passionate about this. And it upsets me that working moms expect SAHM's to follow their examples. I honestly do not think what working moms are doing, is always the best for every child. So why do I need to follow their example? I let the child and his personality lead me. Not the ideas of society that has turned sending 4-month old babies off to creches into a "normal", "right", "acceptable" and even "a good thing"! I can almost understand someone who's child is in creche from an early age, to think a child NOT in creche at age 3 or 4, is "wrong", "deprived", etc. But I don't go around and blame them and tell them their child was deprived at age 4 months, or 8 months, or 15 months because they were in a creche. So why do some of them feel the need to blame me?

Some people even gave me the arguments about how much their children has learned in school, and of course thereby implying that Monkeyman ISN'T learning anything. Gosh, how silly hey? Firstly, ALL children learn with time. Monkeyman was able to recognise ALL colours before age 2, without me ever sitting down to teach him. If he was in creche, I would've exclaimed how wonderful the creche is, because they're teaching him his colours so early! Wow. (*sarcasm*).

Monkeyman has been able to count to 30 for months and months now. I didn't teach him this. But neither Boeboe nor Mr N could do this even a YEAR after they've started school (playschool age 4)!! It's just how their little brains are wired. Monkeyman can sing songs. Neither Boeboe nor Mr N could do it even after 2 years in playschool, AND 1 year in grade R. Both could only sing their first song (remembering all the words) when they were 7! I firmly believe that children learn when their brains are ready to make those connections. You can force it all you want, if they're not ready, they won't learn it. If they're ready, you (or a teacher) may be able to teach it to them before they learn it by themselves. Thinking how wonderful the creche and teacher are, LOL. But, in my opinion, the child would've learned it in any case at some point. By age 7, most kids are almost equal in what they can and cannot do. Some are better at some things, obviously. Which I believe is mostly due to genetics and talent. You're good at maths, or ball sports, or dancing, etc. That kind of thing. As long as you provide a generally stimulating environment, with no pressure, enough sleep and rest, lots of love, and good food, I believe most children will achieve what they've achieved by age 5, if they were in school or not. They may not know that specific song the teacher has taught, of course not. I'm talking about general development of the brain and body. It would make no difference if a child has learned Silent Night at age 3, age 7 or age 15. In my opinion. So the specific detail is irrelevant. The methods of using the brain to remember the song, count, clap hands, use scissors, colour in, add and subtract, etc. Those methods are what's important. And the brain connections needed to accomplish that methods....they're there at age 5. Schooling or no schooling.

Monkeyman can count objects already. He can add 2 different number of objects to each other. He can smile and laugh with extreme happiness (daily). He can dance and sing. He can throw and catch a ball. He can cut papers. He can draw a little man. He can phone someones number. He can have a conversation with you that leaves you amazed at his perception of the world. He can play games on the i-Pad that wasn't designed with children in mind (not because of violence, etc. but because of its difficulty level). He can figure out new games before his dad had a chance to explain it to him. He even plays backgammon with me! He taught himself to read certain words, like yes, no, etc. (in English!) and some in Afrikaans. We never speak to him or read to him in English. He figured it out from playing i-Pad and watching English cartoons. He can tumble with his brother like he has no fear in the world of getting hurt. He can run around with Boeboe until he's all red in the face and laughing hysterically. He can play with his friend for hours without ever fighting, not even over a toy. He even plays with his siblings' friends, talking to them like equals. Not seeing the years of difference. Not even realising he's so much shorter! He can hold a baby with so much gentleness it plucks at your heartstrings. He can count backwards. He can count in 2 languages. He can play battleship against me or a computer opponent. And win! He can play mahjong! He can look at you like he's 70 and has all the knowledge in the world. He's one amazing little boy, and I do not see anything wrong with him, for not going to school. So he's scared when there's 20 children together. So what? Why force him to face them, when he's not ready? He can face his fears when there's 1, 3 or 5 children. Isn't that good enough at age 3, given everything else he's good at? So he's socially behind some of his peers. That doesn't mean he will be socially behind his peers at age 5, if I don't force him into school! Why on earth would people think that?!

Anyway, rant over. Fortunately, Monkeyman is MY child, my responsibility, and me and his dad feels the same. So I'll try to ignore the working moms telling me that he NEEDS to go to school, and that I have to FORCE him to stay (by leaving him behind crying). Thank God that I do not HAVE to do that. That I do not HAVE to accept that as the only (and thus the best) choice for my child. That I do have other options. And Thank God that I have the strength to follow my instincts, rather than the pressure of society.

My country, South Africa

Firstly, I want to say something about the comments on Blogger. I'm not ignoring anyone. It's just that I am unable to reply to comments for some time now. There's apparently a work-around this bug of Blogger, but I have to go research it first. So in the meantime, thank you for all comments, and sorry for not replying. John, particularly thanx to you for the invitation on my previous post, and the link. I'm definitely going to look into that!

Today, it's not all about the kids. Today, this post is about me. Or rather, about my country. About South Africa. There's actually so much to say, that I think I'll split it over a few posts. So this one would just be an "overview", and then I'll go into detail into each of the points I make. Please remember that this is strictly only my opinion. I do not have any political analysing experience. I base most of my opinions on the intensive research I have done over a 6-month period, the experience I gained from living in this country for almost 40 years, and my own deduction powers. I have read many books, many blogs, many sites and many articles. I have looked at oposing positions. Liberals, right-winged, neutrals, from all races and interest groups. I've watched a few programs, and a number of Youtube video's. I feel comfortable that I have a fair understanding of what's going on now. Something I did not have 6 months ago. Because I was never, ever interested in politics. And up until 6 months ago, I preferred hiding my head in the sand because it was all too upsetting to deal with. To face reality.

I never wanted to know who and what each political party is about. It didn't interest me at all. I found it boring, deceitful, and had no desire to try and understand politicians' emotions or motivations. I voted, of course yes, because I was taught that that's the right thing to do. But I never really went into politics more than a basic, shallow understanding. Well, something caused me to look into some of the things happening in our country a while ago. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, I was researching not only current happenings, but history as well. I now have a very good understanding of the real history of all the different groups in our country. From different perspectives. I also have a much better understanding of our political past and current happenings. I understand where our government is coming from, and where they're heading. I also now understand how the world sees us much better. This last point shocked me. I know it's impossible for all people to learn the true history of every country on this planet. It's way too much. So I understand that most people would put an opinion of a country together from a few snippets he read in the mainstream news. I just never realised how absolutely wrong the world's opinion is of the white people in South Africa. Our history, what shaped us, our reasoning, and our current situation. There's very, very little truth out there. :( It really saddens me, because I have made friends all over this world in different countries, and to realise what they're probably thinking of us, of me, is shocking and hurts.

But that's also a whole other discussion. I'll get to that as well, at one stage. I decided to chronicle all of my thoughts, in different posts, as it will do a number of positive things. One is, to get the word out there. Second, to preserve it as history for my children. Third is, to organise my thoughts and feelings to make sense of it all. Fourth is, to create an understanding amongst people.

So back to our country and some issues as I perceive them personally (not in the whole, just what it means to me as an individual).  I'm going to list the points that worries me with a small description, and then tackle each point in a separate post in the next few months. Because there's so much to say about it all.

1. During September 2011, the white people of South Africa (less than 5 million of the total population of 50 million people) has been placed on level 6 (out of 8) on Genocidewatch's website. It is run by dr Gregory Stanton from the USA. Level 6 is called Preparation, and level 7 is when there's a full-blown genocide like what happened in Rwanda. Level 8 is the aftermath when the perpetrators are hiding the mass atrocities. There's so much more to say about this...but just imagine living in a country where they say that black, marxist youths are preparing to slaughter every white person in your country. And you're part of that minority. What would you do?

I'll leave this point with the following. This was posted a few days ago by a black SAPS (police service) investigator on his facebook page. I've decided to omit his name, I'm sure you'll understand. I'm not here to stir. I'm here to works things out for myself. I try to tell myself it's just an individual. But this person seems to be well educated (studied in Texas, USA), he's in a position of power and service towards all South African citizens (or supposed to be), and given the fact that we're on level 6 on GenocideWatch....it's difficult to ignore:

"Fuck this white racist shirt! We must introduce Black apartheid. Whites have no ROOM in our heart and mind. Viva MALEMA."

Four mintues later: "When The Black Messiah (NM) dies, we'll teach whites some lesson. We'll commit a genocite on them. I hate whites."

2. Onto my second concern. Crime in our country has taken on immensely wrong proportions. I'll discuss where it comes from and why it scares me in another post. Suffice to say that me and my daughter has a 30% chance of being raped during our lifetime. We live behind the best security we can afford. We are naturally trained already to always look over our shoulder and around us when approaching our car, our house, stopping at a red robot, slowing down at a "high hi-jacking danger spot", etc. The crime alone is not only what's chasing us away. It's the nature of the crime. People are tortured, maimed, mutilated and dehumanised in the most awful ways possible. I would not even have been able to wrote such horrible deeds into a script for an episode in CSI, but it's happening every week in our country. A decade ago, it was mostly men that were targeted. The past few years though, women and children has been treated almost worse than the men. This has made me realise it's not only me or my husband that's targets anymore, but my beautiful, innocent children as well.

3. Revolution. I think this point scares me the most as it's probably the most realistic scenario. I've read many people's opinions, and if there's one thing all seem to agree on, is that a revolution is most likely inevitable in South Africa. The political analysts seems to pinpoint this date as anything between 2013 and 2020. One person suggested on his blog that it will be next year (2012), but I'm choosing to ignore this. I can't deal with that scenario just yet. But I do acknowledge that it seems inevitable, and that we can do one of 3 things. Ignore the fact that it's coming, while hoping and believing that like always, the good in South Africa's people will pull the wagon through the ditch. You can thus choose to hide your head in the sand, because you're not interested in politics, or because the realities is too much to handle, or because you cannot face such negativities in your life. Or secondly you can decide that it won't "touch" you much. That you and your family are and will be safe. Some revolutions happens quickly, and only few people die. Mostly rebels and defence forces. You can hide out in your house and believe you'll be safe. You can even prepare as best as you can for such a happening. Maybe have an escape plan, or a hide-out with stocked supplies. Or, thirdly, you can take your family and run as far and as fast as you can.

4. Like I mentioned. I was never interested in politics. I knew our country fought the border war because of encroaching communist factions. Thus helping to bring the cold war to an end during the late 1980's. What I did not realise, was that even with the fall of communism, our current government did not fully renounce their communism goals. I never realised that our current government was not interested in a Western 1st world state when they took over power in 1994 from the apartheid government. They want a socialist state. Only when they started admitting this publicly, did I realise their intentions. Only when they started to openly talk about going back to the NDR (National Democratic Revolution) in 2007, did I understand that to them, democracy like we know and understand it in the Western way, is not first price. They want to achieve their NDR goals, where South Africa would end up as a socialist state. To achieve this socialism, things has to drastically change in our country. The changes would involve processes that, in my opinion, would crash our country's economy. I don't even want to think what that would do to our savings, our pensionfund, the value of our property.

5. My last, but not least point for now. When our current government took control of the country, one of the things they had to rectify, was the inequality between black and white job opportunities. I wholeheartedly agreed with this. What I don't agree with, is the way it was done. It has been 17 years, and instead of less unemployment, better education, better health, etc. everything is just going down the drain. Unemployment has reached unprecedented proportions. The health sector is in total disarray, and the plans to try and rectify this, will cause even greater chaos. Education has been a big failure the past 10 years, and our children are suffering because of it. Municipalities are on the brink of bankruptcy, service delivery is almost non-existing in some towns and an ever-increasing burden is placed on the shoulders of the 6 million taxpayers, to feed and take care of the population of 50 million. We're turning into a total welfare state. Because of these failures of the government, we're told that "transformation" isn't taking place fast enough. So not only do the powers that be intend to implement Affirmative Action indefinitely (in their own words), they also created BEE (Black economic empowerment). The result is an even more skewed economic society with a huge discrepancy between rich and poor. Affirmative action (reservations of most jobs for people from black ethnic groups) has had two results on a big part of the white population. Some people, unable to find employment in South Africa, had to emigrate. While others lost their jobs, especially those that previously worked in state departments. Quite a number of those people have been unable to find new employment due to Affirmative Action, and did not have the funds or means to emigrate. Currently, guesstimates say that of the 5 million white people that used to live in South Africa, about 1 million has emigrated during the past 20 years, and about 800 000 is living in squatter camps. Due to government policy (reserving it for black people), most of these 800 000 white people do not get food stamps, state subsidised welfare, state pensions or any support at all from the government. Some are even shown the door when they turn up at state hospitals in need of help. Even some churches acknowledge that even though their congregations are mostly white, that their policies are to help the black impoverished people, and not the white impoverished. Because that's the way it's always been done. To put this into percentages, Affirmative Action and other reasons like crime, has caused 20% of the white population to leave the country, and put 16% in squatter camps, living below the breadline. Crime has wiped out another guesstimate of 30 000-50 000 white people living in towns and cities, and about 4000 of the farmers. If this trend continues...what hope does my children have, in this country? There's even policies to restrict white kids from studying certain degrees in University. For example, most of the white matriculants that apply to study for medicine, gets turned down. A black student getting 60% in matric will be put first in the queue, before a white student getting 90%. So I can't help but wonder...will my children be able to study what they want to? Would they get temporary jobs, like I did, to be able to afford studying? Most bursaries are reserved for black students. Would my children get a job in this country, once they've completed their studies? Or will they need to emigrate to find a job? Should we rather emigrate now, to a country where they'll be assured of a tertiary education and a job, or should we stay in South Africa and most likely have to wave our kids goodbye 10-15 years down the line when they emigrate?

As you can see, our current situation in my beloved country, South Africa, is deplorable, to say the least. It scares me and it makes me wonder if, and what, we should do. What can we do. As I mentioned, I'll dig into all of this deeper over the next few months.

Just living life :-)

I've started so many posts on here the past month or so, but never finished them. I have so much to say, but don't know what, when or how much to say. I'll get to that over the next few months, I'm sure. Sometimes I need time to work things out for myself first, before sharing any thoughts.

So for now, I'll just give a quick update on how it's going. In one word: Well. Let's start with Boeboe. A week ago, she laughed and laughed with her little brother about something, and it ended in an accident. I tried to remember when the last one was, and I couldn't. She doesn't always tell me these days, but mostly, it seems to be anything from 2-4 weeks! And almost always, it's when she either laughs, or plays, or doesn't run to the bathroom the moment she feels the urge. Unfortunately, she will still have small, sudden leaks. She's started to resort to wearing mini pantyliners for those days when it's bad. Seems like it's more comfortable now that she's physically growing bigger. She definitely went through a growth spurt just before the operation. No wonder her function went downhill so fast from January till March. With a tethered cord, when you have a growth spurt, it stretches the cord even more, causing more damage to nerves. Thus...loosing more function.

I'm having so much hope in me that in time, she will gain more and better control, and that she can maybe even become continent without any more medical help. For now, I'm just giving her time. If needed, I'll consider the botox again. But for now, I really don't think she needs it. She copes just fine with what she's dealing with at the moment.

With number two, it's going almost as well, but not quite. A friend told me about a magnesium product, and it works extremely well for Boeboe's constipation. Which keeps the accidents at bay. It's absolutely amazing and wonderful. She hates to drink it, but gosh, it works so so well. No cramping like the lactulose, no side effects. Awesome! Unfortunately, she still haven't regained full feeling back yet, and I don't think she ever will. So there's still weekly accidents. But the difference is that she HAS regained SOME feeling. So for today, I don't want to complain about what we still deal with. It's just so much better than in March.

The only complaint I have with Boeboe at the moment, is her legs. It's really worrying me, and I'm somewhat upset. I feel a bit lost and unsure what to do. She keeps on tripping. As she steps and swings her foot through, the toes drop and scrapes the ground. Then it kinda gets "stuck", which cause the top part of her foot to scrape. She lost so much skin in this fashion a few weeks ago, that it took about a month for the wound to heal. It was deep. And it bled and ache allot. Every few days. She had such a hard time, that she cried and pleaded with me to help her so that it never happens again. I told her about braces, but also mentioned all the negatives of that (hot, chafing, can't run, etc.) She was desperate enough to say she doesn't care, as long as she doesn't have to hurt any more. But now, about 2 weeks after the wound has healed (though the scar is still fresh), she's feeling less anxious and doesn't want the braces anymore, LOL. Typical child.

But it did bring it home to me, that she's suffering and finding it difficult. And that she expects me to help her, and I don't. I feel so guilty! And helpless. :-( What can or should I do?

She also complains alot these days about her legs aching. She also complains that her legs is "tottering". Not sure if that's the correct word? (Google translate provided it, LOL). In Afrikaans, we say that her legs "swik". It means it gives in underneath you. It doesn't bear your weight. It seems to be her knees?! Which is strange. It used to be her ankles, so I'm not sure what's going on. She even mentioned 2 weeks ago that she told her teacher that her legs are so sore, that she couldn't sit cross legged with her friends. Her teacher fortunately allowed her to sit in a way that was comfortable to her. This bothers me. My daughter is not the type to try and be "obvious". She's an introvert, and would rather hide, disappear, than stand out. So to speak up, means her legs really had to be achy. So what do I do about this? If it was a daily thing, of course I would've gone back to the drs, but it will happen for weeks every day, and then weeks will go by with relatively few incidents.

OK, so enough complaints about Boeboe. I'm really in a good mood today, and doesn't really want to complain! :-) Apart from all her legs/bladder/bowels issues, it's going very very well with her. She doesn't even need to see the psychologist anymore!! And I can SEE it. She's happier, more confident, more contend, more prepared to "live life" and do things that needs to be done. Like homework, etc. We still have daily tantrums, but we're able to nip it in the bud by sending her to time out, and now it's working. So happy with that. She's doing well in school, getting good marks and pleasing her teacher. She reads much better, and she's doing very well in her spell tests. Even better than her brother used to do! So our fears about her has been calmed down. So much. She has a whole group of friends to play with, though she still, to this day, misses her best friend sooooo much. This friend moved away during grade 1, and we only get to see them about 3 or 4 times a year. Still, she calls this friend her "best friend". Very sweet.

So on to the next one. Let's take Mr N. Ai, this boy of ours, he's such a pleasure. Such a good boy. I sometimes feel so guilty when I listen to other people's sons. Yes, our son will forget about homework, or rush it off, or not give me the letter his teacher handed out, or think playing the computer is more important than bathing, etc. He's quite normal, and all boy. But such a good, responsible, kind, wonderful boy to have! I think he'll make a wonderful husband one day. Although...he's lazy! Hahahaha. His poor wife is going to have all her days to get him to help her. Oops.

Anyway, at the moment, he's still just 10, so I have time to work on him. :-) For now, he's just so good. He does so well in his schoolwork. He's in the top 10 for his grade!! OK, he's 10th on the list, hahahaha. Out of over a 100 children. But what makes us proud, is that he's the only boy on the list!! So, technically he's about first out of 50 boys. ;-) So cool. He was sooooo chuffed with himself. It really brought it home to him WHY he studies so hard. He really gives it his all.

He also qualified to write the finals of the Maths Amesa competition, which is a national mathematical olympiad in our country. And he got silver for the final! They were only 4 grade 4's chosen in his school for the final. We were so proud of him. Apart from academics though, he's doing really well. He loved the cricket season, and was chosen for the first team for the last game of the season, which was awesome. He did extremely well with his class in the Eistedford competition for recorder practice, and really loved participating in this. I'm quite amazed, because if there's one thing Mr N can NOT do, it's sing! But, fortunately it seems it's only extended to his voice. He can at least play an instrument. I'm so happy for him. He's also doing so well socially too. Something that has last happened in his grade R year.

A few weeks ago, Mr N went with the Gautrain (public transport train) to watch the 20/20 cricket of the Proteas (our national team) against the Australian team. It was a real nailbiter game, which we won against all odds! I'm sooooo jealous for not being there! They had so much fun, such a good time. Perfect father and son bonding time, and his eyes were just alight when he got home.

So, moving onto the last one. Monkeyman. He too, is doing good. We had his teeth fixed under anaesthesia a few weeks ago. It looks so good! No vampire look anymore, LOL. I'm so so so glad we had it done. The following morning, he came running to me (after apparently looking in the mirror), screaming "mommy, the teeth now looks like my other teeth!". It wasn't the words, but the wonder and surprise and happiness on his face, that made me realise what a big deal this was. We never realised that he noticed how he looks. I mean, he's THREE! But clearly, it has been a good thing. Even though it cost us 10k, LOL. (That's about 1000 pounds). Fortunately our medical aid (medical insurance cover) paid about 3/4s of it. So worth it. They took the little roots out, pushed in tiny pins, and built new teeth all around the pins. It looks really, really well. Just normal. A normal little face with a normal little smile now. :-) Not that it came easy. It was especially difficult (like always) to hold him until he sleeps from the gas mask. Fortunately, the anaesthetist and dentist are both exceptionally good with children, and in their jobs. I hate walking out of a theatre, leaving a child of mine alone on there. But, it went as good as it possibly could. He didn't cry much, and was out so quickly. Before he could really get scared, he was out. The anaesthetist is really kind. She lets me hold him in my arms, close to my body, while putting the gasmask over his mouth (as close as he will let her). Within seconds he was out, and I put him on the table, while they start setting up the drip and everything. It was a long hour, waiting for them to finish. Another woman kept me company. Her child is in Boeboe's school as well. Her older daughter was there for wisdom teeth removal. It helped having someone to chat to a bit. My husband stayed home with the older two children until shortly before they were done with Monkeyman . He just made sure Monkeyman was alright, then he went off to work while I took all three kids home (it was school holidays).

Monkeyman's still such a quiet little boy. He LOVES playing on the i-pad, and he's really impressing his dad with what he's able to figure out for himself. He's a natural! Clearly also technology-orientated like his brother. Apart from that, he's really loving just playing inside. With his cars, puzzles, etc. I have to force him to get outside somewhat everyday. It saddens and frustrates me. The other two has always loved playing outside. Though, Mr N will also always chose technology above playing outside, but I just put my foot down and he goes. No prob. And then he always has a blast. But Monkeyman...aijaijai, it's difficult these days to get him to play outside! And when he does go, he's back within 10 minutes. Exclaiming that he's done now. That he's tired, and then he lies down. Complaining about his legs aching (see my worry?). Sometimes also about his head or tummy or feet or shins or knees or ankles. So I don't know when it's real, and when not. If I had no history with Boeboe and the real pain she has in her legs, I would've most likely dismissed it totally. But the nagging doubts sits with me. Every day. Monkeyman wakes up regularly (at least once a week) crying about his aching legs. And he'll clutch it/rubs it. So I'm sure it's real. He also complained about his lower back one day, out of the blue. We were in the shops, and I was carrying him, so there was no reason for him to complain, like trying to get out of doing something.

Apart from these things, it's really going well with Monkeyman. He's not enjoying school, so I've stopped it. He just sits on my lap, hiding his face under my arm. He'll talk to the teacher, but if one of the kids just so much as look at him, he wants to start crying! When they sing and dance, he refuse to look and has this terrified look on his face. When they play, he looks at them as if they're little Marsmen. He's never played with any one of them. Not even my friend's little boy, who's his "best friend". He'll enjoy the swings, and some of the art things they do. But that's it. Just not worth my time and effort to take him to school. So I've decided to leave it be, and try again next year January. He's such an easy child, that having him at home with me doesn't bother me one bit. Quite the opposite. I love having him around. Even when I go to the shops or whatever I have to do. He tags along, and it's fine. He's sweet and quiet and such a good little boy. No problem dragging him along with me. It's such a short time, then they're in school and big and all grown up. Having him with me, is just a pleasure.

So ya, it's going well with all three children. So life is good. On the downhill towards the end of the year, exams, Christmas, school holidays, etc. It always picks up speed this time of the year. Weekends gets busy, school gets hectic, functions pile up, etc. But it's fine. In 5 week's time, we're on holiday again!!

A few weeks ago, we had a quick break from school as well. We went to the bush veld for 5 days with family. The children had an absolute blast. Hot water pools, table tennis, putt-putt, long afternoons just chilling and chatting, eating all kinds of junk and snacks, etc. It was bliss. So I'm really looking forward to the December summer holidays. 5 Weeks of no extra-mural activities, no school, no homework, no exams, no Sunday school, no early mornings, etc. etc. etc.

I wanted to put up some pics, but things on our computer is in a bit of a mess, hubby had to redo Windows. And I don't have the photo's on my laptop. Will post some on another day. I'll try to remember to add one of Boeboe's back. It really looks good. A thin, white, little bit crooked line down her back. Clearly visible, but amazing how it healed in just 6 months time. So so so so so worth it! I put bio oil on, in the hope that it'll give her an even less visible scar down the years, though I'm sure it won't be a too big deal in the end. She'll always remember what the scar gave back to her. Something much more important than a blemish-free skin.