I'm (very) late with this post and it's only the 2nd day of the challenge! I've had a very hectic day.
And geez, this is hard. It would've been easier giving 20 facts about each of the 4 kids, than about me. Hmmm, let's see...
1. I'm a Christian.
2. My favourite books are: all books by Anne McCaffrey, Earth Children series and Harry Potter series. I read these on a yearly basis.
3. I love computer games. My all time favourites are Tex Murphy (a new one's coming out end 2013 - whoohoo!!!!!!), Sims 2 (sims 3 just never felt as good), Rise of Nations, Age of Empires 2, Warcraft 2 and Might and Magic.
4. I'm the youngest of 4 siblings.
5. I've always, since I was a tiny little girl, wanted 5 children - 3 girls and 2 boys.
6. I had an exceptionally good relationship with my mother.
7. I've written (not published) a manuscript.
8. I suck(ed) at sport. Always have. Always will.
9. I'm not competitive at all, and find it mildly amusing to see how competitive other people are/get.
10. I seriously considered studying astronomy after school, but the opportunities in those years were very limited in my country. I also contemplated a medical degree, but some other factors prevented this from happening.
11. I'd rather eat a pack of crisps, than a slice of cake. Though I do love tarts.
12. I can play (a little) piano and guitar, though I'm not really musical and can't sing a note in tune!
13. I've never qualified to donate blood (being underweight disqualifies you).
14. I don't drink alcohol. Nothing against it. Just don't feel the need.
15. I've never smoked/took any illegal substance, and won't ever. Way too much of a control freak.
16. I faint fairly regularly.
17. I'm allergic to most flowers.
18. I've had reconstructive facial surgery.
19. I've been married for 15 years, and hope for another 40!
20. I had a very very happy childhood. I'm hoping to give my children the same.
Friday, August 2, 2013
Thursday, August 1, 2013
Blog challenge Day 1: Introduction
Along with some other bloggers, I'm going to attempt a 30 day blogging challenge. We've been given 30 topics, one for each day, starting today, the 1st of August. Today is just an introduction.
So who exactly am I? Wel, I'm an almost 40, happily married, stay-at-home mom to 4 beautiful kids, living in sunny South Africa. I grew up in the hottest part of our country, the Kalahari. It's a semi-desert region, very dry and very hot. I moved to the city to study, and worked for 4 years after completing my degrees. I got married to my univarcity love, and when I almost lost our unborn baby during my first pregnancy, I decided to become a stay at home mom after his birth. That was 12 years ago! During that 12 years we've added 3 more little ones to our family. They're 12, 9, 5 and 1. When my eldest was 5, he was diagnosed with epilepsy. My 2nd eldest was diagnosed at age 7 with an occult tethered cord (her road to diagnosis started at age 5), and now that my youngest son turned 5, we heard he has a very very rare heart-lung disease. So we're kinda still in shock, waiting to see what his prognosis is. We're also supersticious enough to wonder what our youngest baby will be diagnosed with when she turns 5.
So a bit more about me? Well, I'm a logical thinker. Academically inclined, not creative AT ALL. I love keeping my brain occupied, while my body is stationary (LOL). I hate hate hate excersize, I hate using my hands, and I have loads of "issues" as my dear husband calls it. ;-) I'm a tad OCD, I have sensory integration problems so don't you dare touch my hands! I have some health issues which I refuse to research or do something about, while I will spend every last second I have to research whatever ails my children (I told you I have issues!!). I absolutely love the internet, google and chatting on multiple forums. I hate driving, I hate city-living and I hate rain and having wet socks. I'm impatient but kind, I'm hot-headed but will share my last rolo without a second thought. I'm honest to a fault, and stubborn as can be. I'm opinionated, can stand up for myself, but hate confrontation face to face. I'm extremely loyal, and very very lazy. I always say, I'm a full time mom rather than a housewife, because I hate housework and I'm awful at it. My house is always in some state of dissarray. I absolutely LOVE being a mom, and if I had the means, and a womb that could, I would've had at least one or 2 more children. I adore the baby stage, and so far, the pre-teen phase. I also love being married to my husband. Without him, I'd be lost.
Gosh, I hope that's enough about me? My life is about my kids, I don't care about me. I don't wear make-up, I don't dye or hi-lite my hair. I don't do my nails or go for massages. I don't wear the newest fashions. And I don't care about any of that. My husband, my children and my house, with family and friends thrown in, that's all I care about.
So yeah, that's me. Tomorrow, the challenge is: "20 Facts about you". So I'll have to have a long, hard think about that tonight. ;-)
So who exactly am I? Wel, I'm an almost 40, happily married, stay-at-home mom to 4 beautiful kids, living in sunny South Africa. I grew up in the hottest part of our country, the Kalahari. It's a semi-desert region, very dry and very hot. I moved to the city to study, and worked for 4 years after completing my degrees. I got married to my univarcity love, and when I almost lost our unborn baby during my first pregnancy, I decided to become a stay at home mom after his birth. That was 12 years ago! During that 12 years we've added 3 more little ones to our family. They're 12, 9, 5 and 1. When my eldest was 5, he was diagnosed with epilepsy. My 2nd eldest was diagnosed at age 7 with an occult tethered cord (her road to diagnosis started at age 5), and now that my youngest son turned 5, we heard he has a very very rare heart-lung disease. So we're kinda still in shock, waiting to see what his prognosis is. We're also supersticious enough to wonder what our youngest baby will be diagnosed with when she turns 5.
So a bit more about me? Well, I'm a logical thinker. Academically inclined, not creative AT ALL. I love keeping my brain occupied, while my body is stationary (LOL). I hate hate hate excersize, I hate using my hands, and I have loads of "issues" as my dear husband calls it. ;-) I'm a tad OCD, I have sensory integration problems so don't you dare touch my hands! I have some health issues which I refuse to research or do something about, while I will spend every last second I have to research whatever ails my children (I told you I have issues!!). I absolutely love the internet, google and chatting on multiple forums. I hate driving, I hate city-living and I hate rain and having wet socks. I'm impatient but kind, I'm hot-headed but will share my last rolo without a second thought. I'm honest to a fault, and stubborn as can be. I'm opinionated, can stand up for myself, but hate confrontation face to face. I'm extremely loyal, and very very lazy. I always say, I'm a full time mom rather than a housewife, because I hate housework and I'm awful at it. My house is always in some state of dissarray. I absolutely LOVE being a mom, and if I had the means, and a womb that could, I would've had at least one or 2 more children. I adore the baby stage, and so far, the pre-teen phase. I also love being married to my husband. Without him, I'd be lost.
Gosh, I hope that's enough about me? My life is about my kids, I don't care about me. I don't wear make-up, I don't dye or hi-lite my hair. I don't do my nails or go for massages. I don't wear the newest fashions. And I don't care about any of that. My husband, my children and my house, with family and friends thrown in, that's all I care about.
So yeah, that's me. Tomorrow, the challenge is: "20 Facts about you". So I'll have to have a long, hard think about that tonight. ;-)
Sunday, June 23, 2013
Not what we hoped for (yet)
It's almost 2 weeks since Monkeyman's adenoidectomy. The past week was vastly different from the first week. Since last Sunday, Father's Day, he was just about back to his old self. Huge improvement on that first week where he just lied all day long. He started playing, running around with his siblings, laughing, talking animatedly again, etc. The old Monkeyman we knew.
Unfortunately, he's nothing better than what he was before the adenoidectomy. He's okay, he's fine, but he's no better. We're still waiting for that miraculous, big improvement the doctors told us about. :-( I'm such a worrier, I can't help but wonder why we haven't seen it yet, when they were so adamant that it'll improve quickly and drastically.
About a week before the operation, I went to the shops. The mall I frequent, is rather small (as far as malls go). It's build in a crescent and a rough guestimate of its length from one side to the other, would be about 200m, maybe 250. So really not a big mall. I parked on the one side because that's where I wanted to "end" my shopping for the day (getting bread and milk). But the most important thing on my to do list was the post office on the far opposite side of the mall.
On the way to the post office, Monkeyman asked to sit down on one of the benches. Not long, just a few minutes. At the post office, he complained that he was really tired and HAD to sit down. I showed him a chair, but it was a bit far from me, so he refused. I sort of jokingly said well, then there's just the floor buddy. Lo and behold, he sat down on the floor immediately. It broke my heart. :-( As I moved up in the queue, he just moved with me, while staying in the floor. Once I was done there, he asked to sit down on the benches another 2 times on the way back to the opposite end of the mall. The last shop he did really well and we finished shopping. Probably all in all in about an hour or 2.
A few days ago, about 10 days after the operation, I had to go back to the same mall. But just at the one side of it, so no long walk or anything. I even parked close to the lift. The first shop we went to, the pharmacy, had chairs at the counter. He sat the whole time while I ordered and waited for our chronic medication for the month. I got a handful of clothes in the 2nd shop, fitted them on and paid. He had to stand/walk the whole time, nowhere to sit. The 3rd and last shop, another clothing shop, had a bench inside the fitting rooms. So he came in with me while I tried on various clothing items. And what does he do? He lied down on the bench. :-(
Then, when we went home, he hanged onto the railing in the lift, lying his head on the railing, saying he's tired. All in all, we were there for less than 90 minutes. Rest of the day, he just sat/lied down again. Really not a good day.
So it's up and down. The ups are as good as it was before the operation, the downs are as bad as it was before the operation. No improvement. Nothing.
The one thing I do think is better, is his face colour (more pinkish, not as pale?!) and the circles under his eyes aren't as dark and obvious as it was that first week after the operation. That must count for something?
We did have some (very) good news as well. His allergy tests came back all negative!!!! YAY!!! I'm so very relieved, because I know how hard it is to have a child that's allergic to something, especially food items, or medication. So either he's allergic to some very obscure thing in his diet/environment, or the ENT was very much wrong, believing that the adenoids were swollen because of an allergy. I'm not sure if this means Monkeyman was born with the enlarged adenoids, or what? I guess so. We'll find out when we see the ENT again for his checkup beginning of August.
His iron bloodtest did came back slightly low, so we're supplementing. I'm not very hopeful that it'll make much of a difference, since it never did before. And even when his iron was tested as normal a few years back, he still had this weird tiredness.
Well, there's this week's update. Not really what I'd like to have posted. But maybe, who knows, the next week will show marked improvement. Maybe his body just needs more time.
Unfortunately, he's nothing better than what he was before the adenoidectomy. He's okay, he's fine, but he's no better. We're still waiting for that miraculous, big improvement the doctors told us about. :-( I'm such a worrier, I can't help but wonder why we haven't seen it yet, when they were so adamant that it'll improve quickly and drastically.
About a week before the operation, I went to the shops. The mall I frequent, is rather small (as far as malls go). It's build in a crescent and a rough guestimate of its length from one side to the other, would be about 200m, maybe 250. So really not a big mall. I parked on the one side because that's where I wanted to "end" my shopping for the day (getting bread and milk). But the most important thing on my to do list was the post office on the far opposite side of the mall.
On the way to the post office, Monkeyman asked to sit down on one of the benches. Not long, just a few minutes. At the post office, he complained that he was really tired and HAD to sit down. I showed him a chair, but it was a bit far from me, so he refused. I sort of jokingly said well, then there's just the floor buddy. Lo and behold, he sat down on the floor immediately. It broke my heart. :-( As I moved up in the queue, he just moved with me, while staying in the floor. Once I was done there, he asked to sit down on the benches another 2 times on the way back to the opposite end of the mall. The last shop he did really well and we finished shopping. Probably all in all in about an hour or 2.
A few days ago, about 10 days after the operation, I had to go back to the same mall. But just at the one side of it, so no long walk or anything. I even parked close to the lift. The first shop we went to, the pharmacy, had chairs at the counter. He sat the whole time while I ordered and waited for our chronic medication for the month. I got a handful of clothes in the 2nd shop, fitted them on and paid. He had to stand/walk the whole time, nowhere to sit. The 3rd and last shop, another clothing shop, had a bench inside the fitting rooms. So he came in with me while I tried on various clothing items. And what does he do? He lied down on the bench. :-(
Then, when we went home, he hanged onto the railing in the lift, lying his head on the railing, saying he's tired. All in all, we were there for less than 90 minutes. Rest of the day, he just sat/lied down again. Really not a good day.
So it's up and down. The ups are as good as it was before the operation, the downs are as bad as it was before the operation. No improvement. Nothing.
The one thing I do think is better, is his face colour (more pinkish, not as pale?!) and the circles under his eyes aren't as dark and obvious as it was that first week after the operation. That must count for something?
We did have some (very) good news as well. His allergy tests came back all negative!!!! YAY!!! I'm so very relieved, because I know how hard it is to have a child that's allergic to something, especially food items, or medication. So either he's allergic to some very obscure thing in his diet/environment, or the ENT was very much wrong, believing that the adenoids were swollen because of an allergy. I'm not sure if this means Monkeyman was born with the enlarged adenoids, or what? I guess so. We'll find out when we see the ENT again for his checkup beginning of August.
His iron bloodtest did came back slightly low, so we're supplementing. I'm not very hopeful that it'll make much of a difference, since it never did before. And even when his iron was tested as normal a few years back, he still had this weird tiredness.
Well, there's this week's update. Not really what I'd like to have posted. But maybe, who knows, the next week will show marked improvement. Maybe his body just needs more time.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
What a week
I can't believe it's been a week already. Almost. Things are finally looking up. I've been quite stressed out, because Monkeyman wasn't doing as well as I thought he would. I prepared myself for a child who'll be tired and vomitting and not eating for a day (like always after anaesthesia). Then a day of having a sore throat and maybe some tears. Then a child who miraculously starts to look well, sleep well, becomes active and healthy and like a normal 5-year old little boy. Instead, I got a child that DIDN'T throw up (yay for valoid during the op!!), had extremely little throat pain and ate very well, like always, almost immediately.
And was MORE tired than usual. :-( This caught me totally off guard. I did NOT expect that. From after the operation, Monkeyman has laid down. He would sleep 12-13 hours solidly, then wake up and just lay in bed (very strange for him). Usually, he would jump up the moment he opens his eye (the reason why Mr N and Boeboe have to be sooooo quiet in the mornings when eating breakfast before school, because if they make one loud noise, Monkeyman would wake up and there's no sleeping some more with him!). This week, he would just lay in bed until long after 9am. Then he'd move his blanket and pillow to the couch in the sittingroom, and there he'd lay all day. Either playing iPad or watching tv. He'll stand up to go to the bathroom or sit up to eat. It wasn't nice to see.
By Thursday he did play once in the morning for about 30 minutes on the carpet, and again in the evening. So that gave me some hope. Friday, I went out for breakfast with friends. He was so excited, because his best friend was going with. We were there for 3 hours. He played most of the time on the carpet (pushing cars or lying down on the plastic matresses playing with the other plastic cubes). But still needed to lie down (on his seat!) twice. Like in lying down flat. Afterwards, he told me that was when he was so tired, he just felt like sleeping. And of course, he sat while eating. So all in all, probably better than the previous days, but still not really a good sign. :-( It worried me, seeing a 5-year old lying down in a place like Spur (family restaurant) metres away from an exciting play area where his best friend was running around. Rest of the day he just lied down at home again.
Then, today, he played all day long!! Sitting down, but still, he played! He moved from couch to chair to carpet, always sitting, but still playing. He played computer, iPad, Barbies with his sister, etc. I was really happy to see that. :-) So hopefully, he's at long last now on the mend. If we can now just get rid of those circles under the eyes! They're so much darker now than a week ago. And he has this veins that's prominent from the corner of his mouth down to the neck. It looks like he drew on himself with a blue pen. His jugular veins is also very pronounced, which is apparently a sign of pulmonary hypertension. So I'm worried that his heart was taking strain this week. Really scary. So I'll be so relieved when he's back to his old self. Or better yet...when that improvement the doctor spoke about, will become apparent!! He said we'll notice it immediately. :-( Well, quite the opposite happened. So sad. And so worrysome.
Tomorrow is Fathers Day, and we're visiting family. So let's hope he'll be playing around and not sitting/lying down all day.
And was MORE tired than usual. :-( This caught me totally off guard. I did NOT expect that. From after the operation, Monkeyman has laid down. He would sleep 12-13 hours solidly, then wake up and just lay in bed (very strange for him). Usually, he would jump up the moment he opens his eye (the reason why Mr N and Boeboe have to be sooooo quiet in the mornings when eating breakfast before school, because if they make one loud noise, Monkeyman would wake up and there's no sleeping some more with him!). This week, he would just lay in bed until long after 9am. Then he'd move his blanket and pillow to the couch in the sittingroom, and there he'd lay all day. Either playing iPad or watching tv. He'll stand up to go to the bathroom or sit up to eat. It wasn't nice to see.
By Thursday he did play once in the morning for about 30 minutes on the carpet, and again in the evening. So that gave me some hope. Friday, I went out for breakfast with friends. He was so excited, because his best friend was going with. We were there for 3 hours. He played most of the time on the carpet (pushing cars or lying down on the plastic matresses playing with the other plastic cubes). But still needed to lie down (on his seat!) twice. Like in lying down flat. Afterwards, he told me that was when he was so tired, he just felt like sleeping. And of course, he sat while eating. So all in all, probably better than the previous days, but still not really a good sign. :-( It worried me, seeing a 5-year old lying down in a place like Spur (family restaurant) metres away from an exciting play area where his best friend was running around. Rest of the day he just lied down at home again.
Then, today, he played all day long!! Sitting down, but still, he played! He moved from couch to chair to carpet, always sitting, but still playing. He played computer, iPad, Barbies with his sister, etc. I was really happy to see that. :-) So hopefully, he's at long last now on the mend. If we can now just get rid of those circles under the eyes! They're so much darker now than a week ago. And he has this veins that's prominent from the corner of his mouth down to the neck. It looks like he drew on himself with a blue pen. His jugular veins is also very pronounced, which is apparently a sign of pulmonary hypertension. So I'm worried that his heart was taking strain this week. Really scary. So I'll be so relieved when he's back to his old self. Or better yet...when that improvement the doctor spoke about, will become apparent!! He said we'll notice it immediately. :-( Well, quite the opposite happened. So sad. And so worrysome.
Tomorrow is Fathers Day, and we're visiting family. So let's hope he'll be playing around and not sitting/lying down all day.
Friday, May 10, 2013
Van bakboord na stuurboord
The title translates to From port to starboard. It's a saying in my hometongue when you get send from one person to the next to the next to the next, without resolving the issue at hand. Well, that's precisely how I feel at this moment. From GP to Pead to Cardiologist to ENT....
So yes, that's our next step. The Ear, Nose and throat specialist. :-( Four specialists in little more than a week. FUN (not). So, the pediatric cardiologist couldn't find anything wrong either. Good news is, his heart is structurally perfect!! No deformities, valves working perfectly, etc. Yay!!!
The bad news is, something probably is up, because his heart is slightly enlarged on the right side, and it beats too hard. But it's not caused by the heart itself, it's something else causing it. The area where it is enlarged, points to a chest/throat/sinus problem. She ruled out the lungs, no asthma or anything. So that leaves throat/sinus. Hence, the ENT next. He has to see if he can find the underlying cause, maybe like an anatomical deformity in the nose area. If not, then a sleep study overnight will be the next step.
Ag, this is just getting so frustrating. When can we have an issue with the kids that's just straightforward and easy to diagnose?! Does all parents go through this type of thing? Why do I feel so alone in this then? Even Mr N remarked on the way home that it's strange that we have 3 older kids, and one after the other we're finding something "wrong" with each one.
And everytime they were age 5...
It was a long, long day. I stood up early to take Monkeyman to school, and he was having none of that. Just wanted to sit. I coached him and eventually we left the house an hour later. Got back, put baby to sleep. Gave her lunch after her nap, cleaned the house, fetched Monkeyman and gave him a bath and washed his hair. Then gave him lunch. Pack the nappybag and put the kids in the car. Fetched Mr N and Boeboe from tennis (they had it directly after school). Drove directly to the hospital where the appointment was quite long with the sonar and EKG. Fortunately, they put a nice movie on for Mr N and Boeboe, so we only had to deal with a (very tired) baby and Monkeyman. By the time we got home, it was after 6pm and dark and cold. And the minute Monkeyman stepped inside, he said he's nauseous. I took him to the bathroom where he promptly threw up (in the loo fortunately). He lied down on his couch, and perked up later and haven't vomitted again. Not sure what's going on?!
So ya, eventful and LONG day. Thank goodness it's weekend. I'm in desperate need of sleep (Peanut's cutting her top teeth), relaxation and distraction. I'm taking the kids shopping for winter clothes tomorrow and on Sunday we're celebrating Mothersday. I'm hoping for a day where I don't need to do much. But with a baby in the house, I doubt if that'll pan out this year, LOL.
So yes, that's our next step. The Ear, Nose and throat specialist. :-( Four specialists in little more than a week. FUN (not). So, the pediatric cardiologist couldn't find anything wrong either. Good news is, his heart is structurally perfect!! No deformities, valves working perfectly, etc. Yay!!!
The bad news is, something probably is up, because his heart is slightly enlarged on the right side, and it beats too hard. But it's not caused by the heart itself, it's something else causing it. The area where it is enlarged, points to a chest/throat/sinus problem. She ruled out the lungs, no asthma or anything. So that leaves throat/sinus. Hence, the ENT next. He has to see if he can find the underlying cause, maybe like an anatomical deformity in the nose area. If not, then a sleep study overnight will be the next step.
Ag, this is just getting so frustrating. When can we have an issue with the kids that's just straightforward and easy to diagnose?! Does all parents go through this type of thing? Why do I feel so alone in this then? Even Mr N remarked on the way home that it's strange that we have 3 older kids, and one after the other we're finding something "wrong" with each one.
And everytime they were age 5...It was a long, long day. I stood up early to take Monkeyman to school, and he was having none of that. Just wanted to sit. I coached him and eventually we left the house an hour later. Got back, put baby to sleep. Gave her lunch after her nap, cleaned the house, fetched Monkeyman and gave him a bath and washed his hair. Then gave him lunch. Pack the nappybag and put the kids in the car. Fetched Mr N and Boeboe from tennis (they had it directly after school). Drove directly to the hospital where the appointment was quite long with the sonar and EKG. Fortunately, they put a nice movie on for Mr N and Boeboe, so we only had to deal with a (very tired) baby and Monkeyman. By the time we got home, it was after 6pm and dark and cold. And the minute Monkeyman stepped inside, he said he's nauseous. I took him to the bathroom where he promptly threw up (in the loo fortunately). He lied down on his couch, and perked up later and haven't vomitted again. Not sure what's going on?!
So ya, eventful and LONG day. Thank goodness it's weekend. I'm in desperate need of sleep (Peanut's cutting her top teeth), relaxation and distraction. I'm taking the kids shopping for winter clothes tomorrow and on Sunday we're celebrating Mothersday. I'm hoping for a day where I don't need to do much. But with a baby in the house, I doubt if that'll pan out this year, LOL.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
And here we go again
This one isn't about Boeboe. Yes, I know, I should update on her again. But today, my mind is filled with my little boy. Sometimes, I marvel at the fact that I could love him SO very much, when I already loved 2 other children around the moon and back. How come a parent's heart can expand to fit in all of this love?
He's 5 now, and becoming a real little boy! (I once asked my friend, "as opposed to what, a wooden doll?" when she said this of her boy, hahahaha.) Maybe it's an age thing. But he's so much more into boy games now. One day a few weeks ago, Boeboe came running in from outside crying. Apparently, she and Monkeyman was playing, when Mr N decided to go kick a ball outside. And Monkeyman dropped his sister like a hot potato to rather kick the ball with Mr N. She felt cheated and done in. So I tried to explain to her that Monkeyman is a boy, and boys like to play boys games. She was very affronted, and told me "But mommy, we were playing a game that were for boys AND girls! We were pretending to be baby birds!!!!" She honestly couldn't grasped that that isn't the type of game boys are usually into...hahahahaha. Ah well, at least I've succeeded in not putting my kids into little gender boxes (too much)!
So ya, Monkeyman now likes boy-things. Kicking ball, playing tennis, sword-games and screaming pow pow while pointing a non-existing gun in the hand at an invisible alien. So much imagination, little boys!!
So what does my heading have to do with any of this? Well, we're on the diagnostic road again. :-( Can you believe that? Honestly, I think the doctors are going to start labelling us as munchausen-by-proxy parents! Someone who would hurt their own child to get the attention of medical professionals. Ha! Who on earth would LIKE this road? I just can't understand that. Anyhoo, that's beside the point now. We're looking for another diagnoses. This time, in Monkeyman. It's just fair you see. Mr N has the epilepsy, and had all the attention from his parents for months during that time he was diagnosed and put on medication. Then Boeboe came along and had our focus and attention for years with the tethered cord. So now it's monkeyman's turn!
:(
Seriously though, I try to see the humour, but I'm tired. I don't want to do this. I don't want to worry about another child, another diagnoses, another long road. Honestly, I don't think I'm up to it again. Sniff sniff. They say God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. How come God thinks I'm so friggen strong when I'm NOT?
Well, as you know, if you've frequented this blog (or know us) I've always complained about Monkeyman's odd tiredness. Even as a baby, he'd crawl around for a while, laughing, playing, and then suddenly, just press his face down on the carpet or his blanket or my feet, and just lay his little body down. Not sleeping, not closing his eyes, just as if his whole body was tired (not sleepy). Or the way he would, out of the blue, stopped playing as a toddler, and just go lie down on the couch. He decided on one couch, and I swear, half of his awake time in his life has been spent on that couch. :-( Of course I sometimes wondered if it was because of the tv, or laziness, or being spoilt. Countless times though, I would switch the tv off the moment he starts playing in the morning (or never put in on) and check him. Without fail, he would play about 30-60 min (age 1-3), then go lie down with his blanket. Even when he had nothing to watch, nothing to do, he would just lie down and clutch his blankie. He would play with his fingers, humm to himself, scratch his head, play with his blankie, etc. Or sometimes He'd fetch a little car and just lie on the couch pushing his little car. It sometimes really broke my heart, seeing him like that. All quiet and tired. In time (and I'm literally talking about months/years) I caved and indulged him more with tv at those times. Letting him play, then when he's bushed, let him watch a movie with the request that when the movie is done, he needs to play again. It usually worked well.
What also convinced me in those days that he wasn't faking, was that even when he missed his Boeboe all day while she's at school, he'd still only play about 30-60min with her when she gets home. Then, doesn't matter how much fun he seemed to be having, he would go lie down. Frustrating Boeboe because she wasn't done with the game. Even when other friends visited, Monkeyman would only play a while, then goes to have a lie-down. I remember him "playing" from the couch while other kids tried to entice him off it. He would lie there, laughing with them, using his arms and legs, but keeping his body horisontal. Just for a while, almost like he had batteries that needed recharging. Then he'd jump up and played again. For another hour. Sometimes like with a birthday party when it's chaos and so many visitors, he would push himself. The moment the last child is gone, he would crash. Literally. The rest of the day he would spent on that couch. Unable and unwilling to do anything more than lying down. Sometimes he would fall asleep and wake up a bit better, but since age 3 he dropped his afternoon nap and it rarely happenend thereafter again.
Writing it out like this, it makes me feel guilty, for not pushing this more. It really does sound weird for a 2 or 3-year old little boy, doesn't it? I remember speaking to other parents, who complained that their boys are just non-stop. They run and plays all day long, non-stop. They thought Monkeyman very very weird. I couldn't blame them! Mr N wasn't hyperactive or even close to it, but even he was totally the opposite to Monkeyman at that age. So yes, why didn't I do more? I don't know. Since I noticed this (around age 1 I'd guess??), I asked about it at every pead check, every GP visit, every dr I've seen with him. He wasn't ill much, so this wasn't many times. But still, I never failed to ask about this every time I saw a dr with him. Age 2.5 years, I told my husband I'm worried, so I took him with when I had to take Boeboe to the pead. She listened to his heart and gave him a thorough checkup. And sent him off for some bloodtests (glucose, thyroid, iron, whiteblood count, etc.). It all came back normal, except for low seratonin that could point to low iron, though his iron count was normal. So he got 3 months of iron supplementation. It didn't help much. Not at all for the day, and only a tiny, tiny bit maybe for his night wakings (which only stopped long after age 3).
Over the years, it has become much less noticeble, and after the pead told us they could find nothing wrong when he was almost 3, I just accepted him as being unique. It did, afterall, fit in with his whole personality. The reserved, quiet, calm, contend, sweet little thing that he is. Both his dad and his grandpa was the same. Always tired as children. So I thought ah well, must be a family thing. Strange to me, but normal to them, iykwim?
A few weeks ago though, he was sitting on the couch playing something (think it was iPad), when he stood up to look for me in the kitchen. He told me that his heart is beating really fast. I was busy and barely registered what he's saying. Just nodding my head and said Oh? So off he went, happy that mom wasn't worried. A few days later though, the same thing happened. This time, I measured his pulse. It was 98, which didn't register to me as being really high (though I had no experience or knowledge on how high it should be). But what I found strange, was that again, he wasn't doing any excerzises. And his heart was beating so rapidly, that I could feel and see it being in overdrive. His shirt was moving slightly from the beating. I was mildly concerned, but then forgot about it again. Until beginning last week, while we were all watching tv as a family one evening. He felt it again, and this time it measured 102. I told my husband about the previous 2 episodes, and he looked a bit concerned. So I told him that maybe I should just take him for a checkup at the GP (general practitioner - medical doctor).
The dr told me that he'll probably going to have to refer us to a pediatric cardiologist. For the first time, I realised that this might not be nothing. I guess I was in denial, because I really, really can't face this road again. The road of not knowing what's up with your child. The road where you know something's wrong, but you don't know what it is. How dangerous or life threatening it is. Or how long it will be until you know. What procedures your child will need to go through before you know. And what and when the end of the road will be. We've been through it twice, with both the older kids. We couldn't face it again.
So ya, I got a little scared when the dr mentioned "cardiologist". I know I know, it's way too early to stress. It's most definitely putting the cart before the horses. Just silly. But when you've been through this before, you can't help but worry. With Mr N, I thought - ag, what's the chance that it is anything really? I'm probably making a whole mountain of a tiny heap of sand. I wasn't even sure if I should take him to a dr!! And then, it turned out to be something big. With Boeboe, I thought, what makes us so special that we'd have TWO children with abnormalities. Chances are so much better that she's just fine. Nothing wrong with her. Well, look how that turned out! She was so special, she's probably the only child in our whole country (of 50+ million people) who got an occult tethered cord that couldn't even be visualised during the untethering operation.
So ya, what makes us so special that our 3rd child would also have abnormalities?!?! This is just too much.
Anyhoo, the dr measured Monkeyman's heartrate with this nifty little gadget. He clips it on the finger, and it has a little screen on which the pulserate shows digitally. It was a bit erratic though, and quite fast. It were something like 106, 98, 89, 102, 90, 99, 80, 95, 105. Etc. And it only went to 80 once. Most of the time it was in the 90's and a few over the 100's. The dr listened a long while to his chest and lungs, and could hear his heart going faster through the stetoscope. He didn't like hearing that, I could see it on his face. BUT, as awfully concerning as all of this sounds now, I didn't get the idea that the dr is really stressed out about anything. Just mildly worried, concerned. He said that something's up, and we need to go back to the pead. I guess because Monkeyman's heart was still beating rythmically, not arythmically, he changed his mind about the cardiologist. He wanted the pead to do some bloodtests to see if it could be a systemic disease that caused his heart to go faster even when the child wasn't running around. Together with his history of always being physically tired, and having legpains, the dr thought something must be up.
So off we went, back to the pead. She wasn't concerned when I started speaking, and mentioned some of it as normal (sinus arrythmia). But then she read the sealed note the GP send her (I was sooooo curious and desperately wanted to open it, but felt too guilty) and you could see her mind started ticking over. She frowned and slowly tucked the note into Monkeyman's folder, very deeply in thought. Then declared that we'd probably need to send him to a cardiologist. You can imagine how much I wish I read that letter when I had the chance!!
Anyway, so she did the physical, and said that she really can't hear any murmur or rushing sound on his heart. It all sounds normal. She asked us about family history, and then said that having heart palpitations like Monkeyman had, where you can feel your heartbeat going faster/harder that it stops you in your tracks, isn't normal and needs checking out. She mentioned that his mitral valve might not be closing properly. So yeah, this is why I said "And here we go again". Because we've now been referred onto the next specialist (pediatric cardiologist). Fortunately, we got an appointment quickly, we're going tomorrow. It sounds like it would involve a number of tests (EKG and sonar).
I'm grateful the pead doesn't believe it's his thyroid or diabetes or anything like that. But I'm scared that she thinks it might be his heart. I know, lots of children/adults have mild heart problems. But when it's your own child, and you don't know what it is yet, you can't help but worry. Especially since his grandpa was similar as a child. And then, when he was around age 30, he needed massive open heart surgery where a valve was replaced with a mechanical valve. As long as I've known PIL, my FIL had always taken medication for his heart, and it needs to be very, very carefully monitored. His bloodlevels can't be too thick or too thin, so bloodtests every couple of months year after year after year after year... He can't take any medication, not even over the counter, without asking his doctors first, because it might have an influence on his bloodlevels. He always needs to be careful, always think about his heart, and his wife is always so worried about him. The first time I met him, he told me if I could hear that tick. It was a loud, metallic clicking sound. Yes, that's the valve! I was amazed, it was louder than a watch or alarmclock.
They believe (never comfirmed) that he might've had rheumatic fever as a child, that caused the problems to the valve. But what if it isn't? What if it's genetic? Or, what if the same happened to Monkeyman when he got scarlet fever age 10 months? He was so so so ill, I thought that night that we're going to loose him. Yes, he got peniccillen, so chances of getting rheumatic fever was slim, and wouldn't I have noticed it? I watched him like a hawk, didn't I?
So ya, put that history plus Monkeyman's tiredness plus a couple of drs mildly worried together with being referred to a heart specialist, and you have one worried mommy. :-(
He's 5 now, and becoming a real little boy! (I once asked my friend, "as opposed to what, a wooden doll?" when she said this of her boy, hahahaha.) Maybe it's an age thing. But he's so much more into boy games now. One day a few weeks ago, Boeboe came running in from outside crying. Apparently, she and Monkeyman was playing, when Mr N decided to go kick a ball outside. And Monkeyman dropped his sister like a hot potato to rather kick the ball with Mr N. She felt cheated and done in. So I tried to explain to her that Monkeyman is a boy, and boys like to play boys games. She was very affronted, and told me "But mommy, we were playing a game that were for boys AND girls! We were pretending to be baby birds!!!!" She honestly couldn't grasped that that isn't the type of game boys are usually into...hahahahaha. Ah well, at least I've succeeded in not putting my kids into little gender boxes (too much)!
So ya, Monkeyman now likes boy-things. Kicking ball, playing tennis, sword-games and screaming pow pow while pointing a non-existing gun in the hand at an invisible alien. So much imagination, little boys!!
So what does my heading have to do with any of this? Well, we're on the diagnostic road again. :-( Can you believe that? Honestly, I think the doctors are going to start labelling us as munchausen-by-proxy parents! Someone who would hurt their own child to get the attention of medical professionals. Ha! Who on earth would LIKE this road? I just can't understand that. Anyhoo, that's beside the point now. We're looking for another diagnoses. This time, in Monkeyman. It's just fair you see. Mr N has the epilepsy, and had all the attention from his parents for months during that time he was diagnosed and put on medication. Then Boeboe came along and had our focus and attention for years with the tethered cord. So now it's monkeyman's turn!
:(
Seriously though, I try to see the humour, but I'm tired. I don't want to do this. I don't want to worry about another child, another diagnoses, another long road. Honestly, I don't think I'm up to it again. Sniff sniff. They say God doesn't give you anything you can't handle. How come God thinks I'm so friggen strong when I'm NOT?
Well, as you know, if you've frequented this blog (or know us) I've always complained about Monkeyman's odd tiredness. Even as a baby, he'd crawl around for a while, laughing, playing, and then suddenly, just press his face down on the carpet or his blanket or my feet, and just lay his little body down. Not sleeping, not closing his eyes, just as if his whole body was tired (not sleepy). Or the way he would, out of the blue, stopped playing as a toddler, and just go lie down on the couch. He decided on one couch, and I swear, half of his awake time in his life has been spent on that couch. :-( Of course I sometimes wondered if it was because of the tv, or laziness, or being spoilt. Countless times though, I would switch the tv off the moment he starts playing in the morning (or never put in on) and check him. Without fail, he would play about 30-60 min (age 1-3), then go lie down with his blanket. Even when he had nothing to watch, nothing to do, he would just lie down and clutch his blankie. He would play with his fingers, humm to himself, scratch his head, play with his blankie, etc. Or sometimes He'd fetch a little car and just lie on the couch pushing his little car. It sometimes really broke my heart, seeing him like that. All quiet and tired. In time (and I'm literally talking about months/years) I caved and indulged him more with tv at those times. Letting him play, then when he's bushed, let him watch a movie with the request that when the movie is done, he needs to play again. It usually worked well.
What also convinced me in those days that he wasn't faking, was that even when he missed his Boeboe all day while she's at school, he'd still only play about 30-60min with her when she gets home. Then, doesn't matter how much fun he seemed to be having, he would go lie down. Frustrating Boeboe because she wasn't done with the game. Even when other friends visited, Monkeyman would only play a while, then goes to have a lie-down. I remember him "playing" from the couch while other kids tried to entice him off it. He would lie there, laughing with them, using his arms and legs, but keeping his body horisontal. Just for a while, almost like he had batteries that needed recharging. Then he'd jump up and played again. For another hour. Sometimes like with a birthday party when it's chaos and so many visitors, he would push himself. The moment the last child is gone, he would crash. Literally. The rest of the day he would spent on that couch. Unable and unwilling to do anything more than lying down. Sometimes he would fall asleep and wake up a bit better, but since age 3 he dropped his afternoon nap and it rarely happenend thereafter again.
Writing it out like this, it makes me feel guilty, for not pushing this more. It really does sound weird for a 2 or 3-year old little boy, doesn't it? I remember speaking to other parents, who complained that their boys are just non-stop. They run and plays all day long, non-stop. They thought Monkeyman very very weird. I couldn't blame them! Mr N wasn't hyperactive or even close to it, but even he was totally the opposite to Monkeyman at that age. So yes, why didn't I do more? I don't know. Since I noticed this (around age 1 I'd guess??), I asked about it at every pead check, every GP visit, every dr I've seen with him. He wasn't ill much, so this wasn't many times. But still, I never failed to ask about this every time I saw a dr with him. Age 2.5 years, I told my husband I'm worried, so I took him with when I had to take Boeboe to the pead. She listened to his heart and gave him a thorough checkup. And sent him off for some bloodtests (glucose, thyroid, iron, whiteblood count, etc.). It all came back normal, except for low seratonin that could point to low iron, though his iron count was normal. So he got 3 months of iron supplementation. It didn't help much. Not at all for the day, and only a tiny, tiny bit maybe for his night wakings (which only stopped long after age 3).
Over the years, it has become much less noticeble, and after the pead told us they could find nothing wrong when he was almost 3, I just accepted him as being unique. It did, afterall, fit in with his whole personality. The reserved, quiet, calm, contend, sweet little thing that he is. Both his dad and his grandpa was the same. Always tired as children. So I thought ah well, must be a family thing. Strange to me, but normal to them, iykwim?
A few weeks ago though, he was sitting on the couch playing something (think it was iPad), when he stood up to look for me in the kitchen. He told me that his heart is beating really fast. I was busy and barely registered what he's saying. Just nodding my head and said Oh? So off he went, happy that mom wasn't worried. A few days later though, the same thing happened. This time, I measured his pulse. It was 98, which didn't register to me as being really high (though I had no experience or knowledge on how high it should be). But what I found strange, was that again, he wasn't doing any excerzises. And his heart was beating so rapidly, that I could feel and see it being in overdrive. His shirt was moving slightly from the beating. I was mildly concerned, but then forgot about it again. Until beginning last week, while we were all watching tv as a family one evening. He felt it again, and this time it measured 102. I told my husband about the previous 2 episodes, and he looked a bit concerned. So I told him that maybe I should just take him for a checkup at the GP (general practitioner - medical doctor).
The dr told me that he'll probably going to have to refer us to a pediatric cardiologist. For the first time, I realised that this might not be nothing. I guess I was in denial, because I really, really can't face this road again. The road of not knowing what's up with your child. The road where you know something's wrong, but you don't know what it is. How dangerous or life threatening it is. Or how long it will be until you know. What procedures your child will need to go through before you know. And what and when the end of the road will be. We've been through it twice, with both the older kids. We couldn't face it again.
So ya, I got a little scared when the dr mentioned "cardiologist". I know I know, it's way too early to stress. It's most definitely putting the cart before the horses. Just silly. But when you've been through this before, you can't help but worry. With Mr N, I thought - ag, what's the chance that it is anything really? I'm probably making a whole mountain of a tiny heap of sand. I wasn't even sure if I should take him to a dr!! And then, it turned out to be something big. With Boeboe, I thought, what makes us so special that we'd have TWO children with abnormalities. Chances are so much better that she's just fine. Nothing wrong with her. Well, look how that turned out! She was so special, she's probably the only child in our whole country (of 50+ million people) who got an occult tethered cord that couldn't even be visualised during the untethering operation.
So ya, what makes us so special that our 3rd child would also have abnormalities?!?! This is just too much.
Anyhoo, the dr measured Monkeyman's heartrate with this nifty little gadget. He clips it on the finger, and it has a little screen on which the pulserate shows digitally. It was a bit erratic though, and quite fast. It were something like 106, 98, 89, 102, 90, 99, 80, 95, 105. Etc. And it only went to 80 once. Most of the time it was in the 90's and a few over the 100's. The dr listened a long while to his chest and lungs, and could hear his heart going faster through the stetoscope. He didn't like hearing that, I could see it on his face. BUT, as awfully concerning as all of this sounds now, I didn't get the idea that the dr is really stressed out about anything. Just mildly worried, concerned. He said that something's up, and we need to go back to the pead. I guess because Monkeyman's heart was still beating rythmically, not arythmically, he changed his mind about the cardiologist. He wanted the pead to do some bloodtests to see if it could be a systemic disease that caused his heart to go faster even when the child wasn't running around. Together with his history of always being physically tired, and having legpains, the dr thought something must be up.
So off we went, back to the pead. She wasn't concerned when I started speaking, and mentioned some of it as normal (sinus arrythmia). But then she read the sealed note the GP send her (I was sooooo curious and desperately wanted to open it, but felt too guilty) and you could see her mind started ticking over. She frowned and slowly tucked the note into Monkeyman's folder, very deeply in thought. Then declared that we'd probably need to send him to a cardiologist. You can imagine how much I wish I read that letter when I had the chance!!
Anyway, so she did the physical, and said that she really can't hear any murmur or rushing sound on his heart. It all sounds normal. She asked us about family history, and then said that having heart palpitations like Monkeyman had, where you can feel your heartbeat going faster/harder that it stops you in your tracks, isn't normal and needs checking out. She mentioned that his mitral valve might not be closing properly. So yeah, this is why I said "And here we go again". Because we've now been referred onto the next specialist (pediatric cardiologist). Fortunately, we got an appointment quickly, we're going tomorrow. It sounds like it would involve a number of tests (EKG and sonar).
I'm grateful the pead doesn't believe it's his thyroid or diabetes or anything like that. But I'm scared that she thinks it might be his heart. I know, lots of children/adults have mild heart problems. But when it's your own child, and you don't know what it is yet, you can't help but worry. Especially since his grandpa was similar as a child. And then, when he was around age 30, he needed massive open heart surgery where a valve was replaced with a mechanical valve. As long as I've known PIL, my FIL had always taken medication for his heart, and it needs to be very, very carefully monitored. His bloodlevels can't be too thick or too thin, so bloodtests every couple of months year after year after year after year... He can't take any medication, not even over the counter, without asking his doctors first, because it might have an influence on his bloodlevels. He always needs to be careful, always think about his heart, and his wife is always so worried about him. The first time I met him, he told me if I could hear that tick. It was a loud, metallic clicking sound. Yes, that's the valve! I was amazed, it was louder than a watch or alarmclock.
They believe (never comfirmed) that he might've had rheumatic fever as a child, that caused the problems to the valve. But what if it isn't? What if it's genetic? Or, what if the same happened to Monkeyman when he got scarlet fever age 10 months? He was so so so ill, I thought that night that we're going to loose him. Yes, he got peniccillen, so chances of getting rheumatic fever was slim, and wouldn't I have noticed it? I watched him like a hawk, didn't I?
So ya, put that history plus Monkeyman's tiredness plus a couple of drs mildly worried together with being referred to a heart specialist, and you have one worried mommy. :-(
Monday, April 15, 2013
Two years ago...
Yesterday, 2 years ago, Boeboe was operated on for her occult tethered cord. Since Saturday, I've been having flashbacks and I'm surprised that it still hurts so much 2 years later. You'd think that after all we've been through, how much we gained because of the operation, that I'd see it as a good thing. That I'd remember it fondly and with happiness and gratefulness.
But I can't. I remember holding my little girl down screaming in terror while they did some tests on her. I remember her having anaesthesia for the umpteenth time, scared out of her mind. Once they gave her dormicum to calm her down and make her sleepy. It made her high! She was so funny.
But I can't. I remember holding my little girl down screaming in terror while they did some tests on her. I remember her having anaesthesia for the umpteenth time, scared out of her mind. Once they gave her dormicum to calm her down and make her sleepy. It made her high! She was so funny.
I remember sitting in front of the PC (before I had a laptop), in the freezing cold, 1am in the morning, blanket wrapped around me, my hands blocks of ice. Reading up on tethered cords and people's experiences with it. Night after night after night. Wanting nothing more than to find a way to help get my daughter diagnosed.
I remember contemplating selling our car, so that we could afford tickets to America so that we can see a specialist there. I remember crying desperately, wishing my mom was still alive. Because I didn't know how to get through it all without her. I remember sitting in one doctor's office, looking at his eyes filled with tears, refusing to cry with him, when he begged me not to let anyone cut my baby open. I remember looking at my daughter with such pride when she laid completely still for the MRI. Apparently, the technician has never had a child that young, lay that still, for that long.
I remember a doctor looking me in the eye, telling me that both me and my daughter are lying. I remember looking back, in his eyes, telling him we're not. And for him to discard that as easily as I did when my daughter was 4. I remember this same doctor eating his own words when he saw her test results. It made me feel empty, not happy as I thought it would. Because I'd rather he was right.
I remember my daughter saying No no no no when they gassed her for the operation. I remember sitting in the waiting room. Another waiting room. So many, many waiting rooms. They're all the same. Cold. Empty.
I remember forcing myself to eat while they cut her open in theatre. To drink. Eyeing where the nearest bathroom is, because I thought I'm going to vomit. I remember my surprise and relief when they wheeled her back from theatre, and she wasn't just okay, she was wide awake and alert. I remember my elation when she asked me what's around her big toe. We were so scared that she'd loose feeling in her legs. I remember the moment she said her head hurts. The way my stomach dropped in my feet. It was the one thing I didn't want her to go through. I had experienced epidural migraines. I couldn't face thinking my baby had to go through that.
I remember her being violently ill. I remember our panic when the nurse couldn't get hold of the doctor. I remember the pastor coming into the room. He brought peace with him. I remember knowing that now she'll be alright, once he prayed for her. And she was.
I remember the days and nights spent on that awful chair next to her bed. I remember feeling guilty for not playing with her more. For not entertaining her every second. But I was in robot-mode. I could barely keep it together for myself. I had nothing more to give after days and days. I remember seeing my sister walk into the hospital room, and the lightness she brought. I remember her contagious happiness. I remember the way she got my daughter to stand and walk for the first time days after the operation.
I remember how Monkeyman missed his sister. I remember how even Mr N admitted to missing Boeboe. I remember how happy they were when they were at the hospital. As if their world were complete. I remember trying to play ball with them at home one afternoon. Laughing, joking, teasing them, being happy. I remember it all being fake. I remember the tears in my eyes they didn't notice. I remember the pain in my heart they knew nothing about.
I remember my daughter being in so much pain, that she didn't move an inch for 72 hours. I remember the bedsores on her back, bum, heels. I remember how it hurt when they had to turn her around to rub them. I remember how she screamed when they had to take the IV out. I remember my daughter being so scared and alone in the ICU bed on that first night. I remember saying goodbye to her. I remember walking out of the hospital, leaving her alone there. Exactly as I did when she was a tiny new born in NICU. I remember feeling exactly as guilty.
I remember too much. I can't isolate the hurt and pain, from the happiness and elation. I remember the relief when her symptoms lessened after the operation. I remember the elation when she walked that first time. I remember the stress falling away while walking to the car, my daughter being pushed in the wheelchair. I remember walking into the house with her, 9 days after we left it together. I remember it all. Every emotion. Every feeling. It's too much. Two years down the line, and it's still too much. So yes, I remembered it all this past weekend, on the 2 year anniversary. But it still hurts. I wonder how long will it keep on hurting?
I remember contemplating selling our car, so that we could afford tickets to America so that we can see a specialist there. I remember crying desperately, wishing my mom was still alive. Because I didn't know how to get through it all without her. I remember sitting in one doctor's office, looking at his eyes filled with tears, refusing to cry with him, when he begged me not to let anyone cut my baby open. I remember looking at my daughter with such pride when she laid completely still for the MRI. Apparently, the technician has never had a child that young, lay that still, for that long.
I remember a doctor looking me in the eye, telling me that both me and my daughter are lying. I remember looking back, in his eyes, telling him we're not. And for him to discard that as easily as I did when my daughter was 4. I remember this same doctor eating his own words when he saw her test results. It made me feel empty, not happy as I thought it would. Because I'd rather he was right.
I remember my daughter saying No no no no when they gassed her for the operation. I remember sitting in the waiting room. Another waiting room. So many, many waiting rooms. They're all the same. Cold. Empty.
I remember forcing myself to eat while they cut her open in theatre. To drink. Eyeing where the nearest bathroom is, because I thought I'm going to vomit. I remember my surprise and relief when they wheeled her back from theatre, and she wasn't just okay, she was wide awake and alert. I remember my elation when she asked me what's around her big toe. We were so scared that she'd loose feeling in her legs. I remember the moment she said her head hurts. The way my stomach dropped in my feet. It was the one thing I didn't want her to go through. I had experienced epidural migraines. I couldn't face thinking my baby had to go through that.
I remember her being violently ill. I remember our panic when the nurse couldn't get hold of the doctor. I remember the pastor coming into the room. He brought peace with him. I remember knowing that now she'll be alright, once he prayed for her. And she was.
I remember the days and nights spent on that awful chair next to her bed. I remember feeling guilty for not playing with her more. For not entertaining her every second. But I was in robot-mode. I could barely keep it together for myself. I had nothing more to give after days and days. I remember seeing my sister walk into the hospital room, and the lightness she brought. I remember her contagious happiness. I remember the way she got my daughter to stand and walk for the first time days after the operation.
I remember how Monkeyman missed his sister. I remember how even Mr N admitted to missing Boeboe. I remember how happy they were when they were at the hospital. As if their world were complete. I remember trying to play ball with them at home one afternoon. Laughing, joking, teasing them, being happy. I remember it all being fake. I remember the tears in my eyes they didn't notice. I remember the pain in my heart they knew nothing about.
I remember my daughter being in so much pain, that she didn't move an inch for 72 hours. I remember the bedsores on her back, bum, heels. I remember how it hurt when they had to turn her around to rub them. I remember how she screamed when they had to take the IV out. I remember my daughter being so scared and alone in the ICU bed on that first night. I remember saying goodbye to her. I remember walking out of the hospital, leaving her alone there. Exactly as I did when she was a tiny new born in NICU. I remember feeling exactly as guilty.
I remember too much. I can't isolate the hurt and pain, from the happiness and elation. I remember the relief when her symptoms lessened after the operation. I remember the elation when she walked that first time. I remember the stress falling away while walking to the car, my daughter being pushed in the wheelchair. I remember walking into the house with her, 9 days after we left it together. I remember it all. Every emotion. Every feeling. It's too much. Two years down the line, and it's still too much. So yes, I remembered it all this past weekend, on the 2 year anniversary. But it still hurts. I wonder how long will it keep on hurting?
Saturday, April 13, 2013
Life as a SAHM with four children
For those that doesn't frequent forums, SAHM means Stay at Home Mom. So yeah, that's what I am. Apparently it's not politically correct in English speaking countries to say "Full time mommy" which is the direct translation of my job in my home tongue "voltydse mamma". Full time mommy apparently implies that someone that might be working, isn't a full time mommy. (Geez, but people are sensitive! But that's a story for another day.) So yeah, I'm a SAHM, as opposed to a Working Mommy, or WAHM meaning Working from Home Mom. I just wondered...if Full time mommy implies a working mommy isn't a full time mommy, does that mean Working Mommy implies that a stay at home mom isn't working?
So, what's life like as a SAHM, you ask? BUSY. But of course, that's not the perception out there. Let me describe what I think most people (including my husband sometimes!) think life's like for a SAHM like me:
9:00 Wake up refreshed to find a happy toddler playing. Baby is still asleep blissfully.
9:15 Eat leisurely breakfast, probably eggs on toast or bacon ommelette. Surf the net or watch tv or read.
10:00 Baby wakes. Give her milk and change her nappy.
10:20 Play with Baby and toddler.
10:45 Give baby breakfast cereal.
11:00 Bath - lay in bath until water gets cold and all stress is gone from the body. Toddler is happily playing with his toys and baby coo's in her cot at her mobile.
11:30 Put baby to sleep. She's so tired, it only takes 5 min.
11:35 Play with toddler.
12:00 Spend some time on a hobby or something like surf the internet, read, watch some tv shows I've taped. Inbetween teach toddler some new concepts through play.
13:00 Get toddler and baby ready and fetch eldest children from school (comes out at 13:30).
13:45 Get back, make all children lunch and put baby to bed. She's obviously very tired again and again only takes a few minutes to fall asleep. :-)
14:30 Watch some tv shows while the kids do their homework quietly with little help needed from me. Toddler quietly plays with his toys.
16:30 Tell the kids to go play outside, give baby milk and while she's playing contendly with her toys, I start dinner in peace and quiet. Uninterrupted.
17:00 Tell kids to take a bath each, helping toddler to wash and dry, tell kids to get their school clothes and books ready and do their house chores, while I pack the dishwasher and finish dinner. They listen and do as they're told each and everytime. Of course, I'm a SAHM so my kids should be well behaved and disciplined, not true?
18:00 Put a delicious, healthy dinner for my family on the table and see how they scoff it all down, even the vegetables.
18:30 Give baby some mashed up dinner to fill any hungry pans left after giving her some of our dinner to eat as fingerfood.
19:00 Bath baby.
19:15 Spend some time with the kids, playing Uno or something.
20:00 Put all 4 kids to bed, read stories, pray, give milk, sort out chronic medications, etc.
20:30 Make hubby his well-deserved cup of coffee and put my feet up, watching some tv shows with him.
23:00 Go to bed relaxed, happy and looking forward to an uninterrupted night of SLEEP.
When, in fact, it rather goes like this......
0:30 Get woken up by hungry baby looking for some milk.
0:40 Put baby down, thanking my lucky stars she only drinks 5-10min at night. Try to fall back asleep, if I can just stop my head racing with all that happened the previous day.
5:00 Get woken up by hungry baby looking for her milk. Listen to the birds sing. Praying it won't keep baby up.
6:45 Get woken up by hubby's alarm. Turn around and try desperately to sleep some more, silently praying it won't wake baby up too.
7:15 Hear the garage door open and (silently again) say goodbye to hubby and the 2 school-going children
7:30 Get woken up by baby, give her milk. Put her back next to me in her cot (open side pushed against my bed). Hold her hand, willing her to sleep just a liiitttllleee bit more.
7:45 Hear toddler wake up and go into sittingroom to watch tv and play on daddy's iPad
8:00 Wake up to alarm and a cooing baby
8:10 Jump into bath, QUICKLY because baby is lying in cot playing with some toys and won't be happy for more than 5 minutes
8:20 Dress baby
8:30 Make breakfast as quickly as possible, call toddler to come and eat. Eat own cereal while shoving cereal into baby's mouth. Realise she's not hungry enough yet.
8:45 Quickly swallow down too hot coffee (or already-gone-cold coffee), throw toddler's school lunch in his bag, check that his jacket is still inside.
8:50 Make sure baby doesn't want some more milk. Brush toddler's teeth and yell at him to quickly get dressed. Yell at intervals of 3 min for him to hurry up and to remember his shoes.
9:00 Put baby in carseat. Make sure toddler has put his car seatbelt on. Pack bags into car. Lock doors. Hurry off to playschool.
9:15 Sit in at playschool, trying to be encouraging for toddler to participate and not be so shy. Catch up with another mommy friend on some much needed adult conversation. Holding (heavy!) baby in arms all the time.
10:00 Greet toddler who's now happy for me to leave him there.
10:20 Give baby cereal again when we get home.
10:40 Give baby milk if she wants. Trying to read what's up on the baby forums I frequent on the internet, while baby feeds.
10:50 Put baby to bed. This means, hold her, rock her, say shhhhh, rock her some more, sing a bit, hold dummy, stop her from arching her back screaming because of reflux, rub arm where her head has hurt it while she arched her back, rock some more, say shhhhh, rock some more, pick the dummy up she threw down, rock some more, give some telement in the hope that she'll suck the dummy, rock some more, sigh in relief when she falls asleep.
11:20 Hold baby for 10 minutes to make sure she goes into a deeper sleep.
11:30 Put baby down with a big sigh of relief. Start cleaning up the sittingroom, grab a much needed glass of cooldrink and a quick snack. Read email and quickly surf the net for all of 10 minutes, posting a few posts on baby forums.
12:00 Baby wakes up. Give milk, change nappy and play with her.
12:30 Pack dishwasher and clean kitchen while baby plays in her pram or sitting in the donut. Hurry, because she won't be happy for too long.
12:45 Drink a 2nd glass of fluid, berating myself for not making time to drink the 2liter I need for breastfeeding. Grab something to eat again. Make baby's lunch. Eat and drink while feeding baby's lunch. Hurry, because we're running late for playschool. Steal 2 minutes to quickly check what's going on at the baby forums I chat in.
13:00 Fetch toddler from his school. Ooing and aahing about what he did at school. Talk a bit to his teacher and any other mommies picking up their toddlers.
13:30 Pick eldest 2 kids up from their school. Berating one for forgetting something, while praising the other for doing well in a test or something. Trying to concentrate on the road with a moaning baby that's tired again, toddler and his sister laughing hysterically at something and Mr N trying to tell me something important.
13:50 Get home, trying to calm a baby who's overtired beyond belief already. Get a quick lunch ready, settle toddler in front of the tv with his lunch (squashing my guilt) and refill his cooldrink. Yell at the older 2 kids to only take a 10 minute break, and then start their homework while I put baby to bed.
14:10 Yell at kids who's still noisy, all the while giving baby her milk and browsing the internet. Multi-tasking rocks!!
14:30 Rock, shhhh, rock, pick up dummy, give more milk, rock, shhh, rock, shhh, sigh in relief.
15:00 Hold baby until she's in deeper sleep. Getting impatient to go and check up on toddler while stuck in room with baby.
15:10 Quietly slips out of room and calling daughter to the sitting room. Have a look at her homework. Trying to help where she struggles, encouraging when she looses hope, listening to her reading passages, quizzing her on tests, etc. In between, grab a sandwich and shove it down with a cup of coffee and making sure toddler is happily playing with his toys.
16:00 Fetch baby that woke up and change nappy. Give toddler a snack and refill cooldrink. Get some much needed cooldrink myself and quickly go to the bathroom.
16:15 Make sure poor toddler is still okay playing with his toys. Encourage daughter some more. Yell a bit because she's getting tired and lazy. Start dinner in between. Yell at eldest because he forgot to do some homework. Yell at toddler because he's kicking a ball inside the house. Continue dinner. Send boys outside to play ball.
17:00 Quizz daughter on some more homework, yell some more, yell at eldest because he forgot to tell me he needs clay and carton for school. Stop rice from burning. Rock baby because she's tired again. See if she wants some milk. Stop meat from burning. Cut some veggies up while talking animatedly with toddler and singing a song to keep baby happy.
17:30 Hurry daughter into and out of bath. Get eldest to go shower as well. Quickly bath toddler. Try to finish dinner. Send kids outside for some much needed fresh air (thank goodness for staying in a hot, dry, sunny part of our country!)
18:00 Finish dinner to a point where I can leave it for 30 minutes. Give baby milk and rock and hold her until she falls asleep. Hold her for 10 more minutes.
18:30 Dish up dinner. Sit and relax for about 10 minutes. Baby wakes up. Fetch her, try to finish eating luke-warm food before it's completely cold. Give baby something to eat while we eat.
19:00 Make baby mashed up dinner and give to her.
19:15 Clean kitchen, yell at daughter to do her chores (making lunch boxes for next day). Get son to make their drinks for next day. Throw a load of washing in the machine.
19:35 Bath baby.
19:50 Play a bit with kids if possible.
20:00 Get chronic medication ready. Make coffee. Put plates out for next morning's breakfast. Refill cooldrink for toddler, giving him his meds, brush his teeth, read story or get daughter to read him story. Pray with each child separately, say goodnight, tuck toddler in. Carry baby everywhere I go, because she's tired and doesn't want to play alone with toys. Can't put her in bed until all the other children are in bed, because their noise would wake her up.
20:30 Give baby her milk. Hold, rock and shhhh baby.
21:00 Hold baby until she's in deeper sleep.
21:10 Drink cold coffee. Clean sittingroom a bit. Make sure all 3 older kids are in bed and asleep (or reading in eldest one's case).
21:30 Sit down in front of tv. Watch a show while surfing the net.
21:50 Baby wakes up. Give her some more milk in the dark. Very boring.
22:00 Sit back down in front of the tv. Try to watch rest of show with hubby.
22:30 Toddler cries for some reason. Check up on him.
22:35 Sit back down in front of tv after getting a much needed cooldrink and snack.
23:00 Go to bed, surf the net or read.
24:00 Baby wakes up, drinks milk and refuses to sleep. Hold, rock, shhh baby.
1:30 Desperate by now, gives baby some more milk and finally she falls asleep.
5:00 Get woken up by hungry baby looking for her milk. Listen to the birds sing. Praying it won't keep baby up.
5:10 Sleep.
6:45 Get woken up by hubby's alarm. Turn around and try to desperately sleep some more, silently praying it won't wake up baby.
And so forth....
Now, add to that the following events in between:
Go to shops to find birthday gifts.
Grocery shopping.
Get milk and bread and fresh fruit.
Go to post office.
Put petrol in car.
Quizz son on exams.
Try and figure out what daughter has to learn for exams.
Do research for eldest's project on the internet.
Get cartons or glue from the shops because daughter needs it for school.
Play ball outside with toddler.
Build puzzles with toddler.
Play monopoly or Uno with older kids.
Clean house.
Vacuum.
Hang up or take clothes down from washing line. Fold washing. Iron.
Make beds, clean bedrooms, tidy toys, clean bathrooms, wash floors.
Answer the phone
Visit friends.
Watch a movie on tv. Watch my favourite soap.
Cook extra bunches of food to mash up for baby, to freeze.
Visit family.
Send emails. Do budget or any other admin like filling in forms or making some phone calls.
Visit dr because I have some issues since the last c-section. Go for a sonar. Take baby for her 6-month check-up at pead.
Sit and wait outside school for kids' afterschool activities to finish.
Teach baby to sit, crawl, talk, walk, eat, laugh, smile, everything.
Wash all 4 kids' hair.
Buy clothes, shoes or a new schoolbag for one of the children.
Etcetera. I'm too tired to even think about all the million other little things I do around the house, for the kids, for baby in particular, for hubby, for friends, and so on. All during the week, so that on weekends, we can relax and spend quality time together as a family.
So ya, that's my day. Hectic, busy, rewarding, wonderful, lively, active, frustrating, exhausting, and so forth. I love it! But I'm done. I honestly can't see where I would've fit a 5th child in. I always wanted 5, but I'm happy that we've done the sterilisation, because I'm at my limit. I don't regret any of my 4, but for me, personally, 4 is my limit. To add a 5th, would've meant cutting down on time spent on the other kids and my hobbies. And I don't think I would've liked that. I'm a bit of a perfectionist. And I find that it's not as easy anymore to be "the perfect mom" with 4 kids. I have to fall in the standard I request of myself, and that frustrates and saddens me. So for me, 4 is enough. I understand that some people would have 8 kids without feeling like I do. Just as I never felt like that after 2 kids, while other people told me how done they are, because it's just so busy and too much, having 2 kids. Every mom has their own limit. I'm so so happy I've reached mine. I would've always felt sad not to have another baby, if I didn't. I also wanted to say with conviction, that I'm done having babies. And now I can. And it makes me so happy. I would've always felt something missing. Now, I'm complete. My family is complete. Life is as busy as I can handle it, and it's lovely. I love every minute of it. I cherish it, because I know how quickly it passes. My oldest is almost a teenager. In little more than 6 years, he'll be leaving home. Way too soon. At least, I have another 18 years left of having at least one at home still. By which time, I'd probably be grateful to grow old in peace and quiet, LOL.
So, what's life like as a SAHM, you ask? BUSY. But of course, that's not the perception out there. Let me describe what I think most people (including my husband sometimes!) think life's like for a SAHM like me:
9:00 Wake up refreshed to find a happy toddler playing. Baby is still asleep blissfully.
9:15 Eat leisurely breakfast, probably eggs on toast or bacon ommelette. Surf the net or watch tv or read.
10:00 Baby wakes. Give her milk and change her nappy.
10:20 Play with Baby and toddler.
10:45 Give baby breakfast cereal.
11:00 Bath - lay in bath until water gets cold and all stress is gone from the body. Toddler is happily playing with his toys and baby coo's in her cot at her mobile.
11:30 Put baby to sleep. She's so tired, it only takes 5 min.
11:35 Play with toddler.
12:00 Spend some time on a hobby or something like surf the internet, read, watch some tv shows I've taped. Inbetween teach toddler some new concepts through play.
13:00 Get toddler and baby ready and fetch eldest children from school (comes out at 13:30).
13:45 Get back, make all children lunch and put baby to bed. She's obviously very tired again and again only takes a few minutes to fall asleep. :-)
14:30 Watch some tv shows while the kids do their homework quietly with little help needed from me. Toddler quietly plays with his toys.
16:30 Tell the kids to go play outside, give baby milk and while she's playing contendly with her toys, I start dinner in peace and quiet. Uninterrupted.
17:00 Tell kids to take a bath each, helping toddler to wash and dry, tell kids to get their school clothes and books ready and do their house chores, while I pack the dishwasher and finish dinner. They listen and do as they're told each and everytime. Of course, I'm a SAHM so my kids should be well behaved and disciplined, not true?
18:00 Put a delicious, healthy dinner for my family on the table and see how they scoff it all down, even the vegetables.
18:30 Give baby some mashed up dinner to fill any hungry pans left after giving her some of our dinner to eat as fingerfood.
19:00 Bath baby.
19:15 Spend some time with the kids, playing Uno or something.
20:00 Put all 4 kids to bed, read stories, pray, give milk, sort out chronic medications, etc.
20:30 Make hubby his well-deserved cup of coffee and put my feet up, watching some tv shows with him.
23:00 Go to bed relaxed, happy and looking forward to an uninterrupted night of SLEEP.
When, in fact, it rather goes like this......
0:30 Get woken up by hungry baby looking for some milk.
0:40 Put baby down, thanking my lucky stars she only drinks 5-10min at night. Try to fall back asleep, if I can just stop my head racing with all that happened the previous day.
5:00 Get woken up by hungry baby looking for her milk. Listen to the birds sing. Praying it won't keep baby up.
6:45 Get woken up by hubby's alarm. Turn around and try desperately to sleep some more, silently praying it won't wake baby up too.
7:15 Hear the garage door open and (silently again) say goodbye to hubby and the 2 school-going children
7:30 Get woken up by baby, give her milk. Put her back next to me in her cot (open side pushed against my bed). Hold her hand, willing her to sleep just a liiitttllleee bit more.
7:45 Hear toddler wake up and go into sittingroom to watch tv and play on daddy's iPad
8:00 Wake up to alarm and a cooing baby
8:10 Jump into bath, QUICKLY because baby is lying in cot playing with some toys and won't be happy for more than 5 minutes
8:20 Dress baby
8:30 Make breakfast as quickly as possible, call toddler to come and eat. Eat own cereal while shoving cereal into baby's mouth. Realise she's not hungry enough yet.
8:45 Quickly swallow down too hot coffee (or already-gone-cold coffee), throw toddler's school lunch in his bag, check that his jacket is still inside.
8:50 Make sure baby doesn't want some more milk. Brush toddler's teeth and yell at him to quickly get dressed. Yell at intervals of 3 min for him to hurry up and to remember his shoes.
9:00 Put baby in carseat. Make sure toddler has put his car seatbelt on. Pack bags into car. Lock doors. Hurry off to playschool.
9:15 Sit in at playschool, trying to be encouraging for toddler to participate and not be so shy. Catch up with another mommy friend on some much needed adult conversation. Holding (heavy!) baby in arms all the time.
10:00 Greet toddler who's now happy for me to leave him there.
10:20 Give baby cereal again when we get home.
10:40 Give baby milk if she wants. Trying to read what's up on the baby forums I frequent on the internet, while baby feeds.
10:50 Put baby to bed. This means, hold her, rock her, say shhhhh, rock her some more, sing a bit, hold dummy, stop her from arching her back screaming because of reflux, rub arm where her head has hurt it while she arched her back, rock some more, say shhhhh, rock some more, pick the dummy up she threw down, rock some more, give some telement in the hope that she'll suck the dummy, rock some more, sigh in relief when she falls asleep.
11:20 Hold baby for 10 minutes to make sure she goes into a deeper sleep.
11:30 Put baby down with a big sigh of relief. Start cleaning up the sittingroom, grab a much needed glass of cooldrink and a quick snack. Read email and quickly surf the net for all of 10 minutes, posting a few posts on baby forums.
12:00 Baby wakes up. Give milk, change nappy and play with her.
12:30 Pack dishwasher and clean kitchen while baby plays in her pram or sitting in the donut. Hurry, because she won't be happy for too long.
12:45 Drink a 2nd glass of fluid, berating myself for not making time to drink the 2liter I need for breastfeeding. Grab something to eat again. Make baby's lunch. Eat and drink while feeding baby's lunch. Hurry, because we're running late for playschool. Steal 2 minutes to quickly check what's going on at the baby forums I chat in.
13:00 Fetch toddler from his school. Ooing and aahing about what he did at school. Talk a bit to his teacher and any other mommies picking up their toddlers.
13:30 Pick eldest 2 kids up from their school. Berating one for forgetting something, while praising the other for doing well in a test or something. Trying to concentrate on the road with a moaning baby that's tired again, toddler and his sister laughing hysterically at something and Mr N trying to tell me something important.
13:50 Get home, trying to calm a baby who's overtired beyond belief already. Get a quick lunch ready, settle toddler in front of the tv with his lunch (squashing my guilt) and refill his cooldrink. Yell at the older 2 kids to only take a 10 minute break, and then start their homework while I put baby to bed.
14:10 Yell at kids who's still noisy, all the while giving baby her milk and browsing the internet. Multi-tasking rocks!!
14:30 Rock, shhhh, rock, pick up dummy, give more milk, rock, shhh, rock, shhh, sigh in relief.
15:00 Hold baby until she's in deeper sleep. Getting impatient to go and check up on toddler while stuck in room with baby.
15:10 Quietly slips out of room and calling daughter to the sitting room. Have a look at her homework. Trying to help where she struggles, encouraging when she looses hope, listening to her reading passages, quizzing her on tests, etc. In between, grab a sandwich and shove it down with a cup of coffee and making sure toddler is happily playing with his toys.
16:00 Fetch baby that woke up and change nappy. Give toddler a snack and refill cooldrink. Get some much needed cooldrink myself and quickly go to the bathroom.
16:15 Make sure poor toddler is still okay playing with his toys. Encourage daughter some more. Yell a bit because she's getting tired and lazy. Start dinner in between. Yell at eldest because he forgot to do some homework. Yell at toddler because he's kicking a ball inside the house. Continue dinner. Send boys outside to play ball.
17:00 Quizz daughter on some more homework, yell some more, yell at eldest because he forgot to tell me he needs clay and carton for school. Stop rice from burning. Rock baby because she's tired again. See if she wants some milk. Stop meat from burning. Cut some veggies up while talking animatedly with toddler and singing a song to keep baby happy.
17:30 Hurry daughter into and out of bath. Get eldest to go shower as well. Quickly bath toddler. Try to finish dinner. Send kids outside for some much needed fresh air (thank goodness for staying in a hot, dry, sunny part of our country!)
18:00 Finish dinner to a point where I can leave it for 30 minutes. Give baby milk and rock and hold her until she falls asleep. Hold her for 10 more minutes.
18:30 Dish up dinner. Sit and relax for about 10 minutes. Baby wakes up. Fetch her, try to finish eating luke-warm food before it's completely cold. Give baby something to eat while we eat.
19:00 Make baby mashed up dinner and give to her.
19:15 Clean kitchen, yell at daughter to do her chores (making lunch boxes for next day). Get son to make their drinks for next day. Throw a load of washing in the machine.
19:35 Bath baby.
19:50 Play a bit with kids if possible.
20:00 Get chronic medication ready. Make coffee. Put plates out for next morning's breakfast. Refill cooldrink for toddler, giving him his meds, brush his teeth, read story or get daughter to read him story. Pray with each child separately, say goodnight, tuck toddler in. Carry baby everywhere I go, because she's tired and doesn't want to play alone with toys. Can't put her in bed until all the other children are in bed, because their noise would wake her up.
20:30 Give baby her milk. Hold, rock and shhhh baby.
21:00 Hold baby until she's in deeper sleep.
21:10 Drink cold coffee. Clean sittingroom a bit. Make sure all 3 older kids are in bed and asleep (or reading in eldest one's case).
21:30 Sit down in front of tv. Watch a show while surfing the net.
21:50 Baby wakes up. Give her some more milk in the dark. Very boring.
22:00 Sit back down in front of the tv. Try to watch rest of show with hubby.
22:30 Toddler cries for some reason. Check up on him.
22:35 Sit back down in front of tv after getting a much needed cooldrink and snack.
23:00 Go to bed, surf the net or read.
24:00 Baby wakes up, drinks milk and refuses to sleep. Hold, rock, shhh baby.
1:30 Desperate by now, gives baby some more milk and finally she falls asleep.
5:00 Get woken up by hungry baby looking for her milk. Listen to the birds sing. Praying it won't keep baby up.
5:10 Sleep.
6:45 Get woken up by hubby's alarm. Turn around and try to desperately sleep some more, silently praying it won't wake up baby.
And so forth....
Now, add to that the following events in between:
Go to shops to find birthday gifts.
Grocery shopping.
Get milk and bread and fresh fruit.
Go to post office.
Put petrol in car.
Quizz son on exams.
Try and figure out what daughter has to learn for exams.
Do research for eldest's project on the internet.
Get cartons or glue from the shops because daughter needs it for school.
Play ball outside with toddler.
Build puzzles with toddler.
Play monopoly or Uno with older kids.
Clean house.
Vacuum.
Hang up or take clothes down from washing line. Fold washing. Iron.
Make beds, clean bedrooms, tidy toys, clean bathrooms, wash floors.
Answer the phone
Visit friends.
Watch a movie on tv. Watch my favourite soap.
Cook extra bunches of food to mash up for baby, to freeze.
Visit family.
Send emails. Do budget or any other admin like filling in forms or making some phone calls.
Visit dr because I have some issues since the last c-section. Go for a sonar. Take baby for her 6-month check-up at pead.
Sit and wait outside school for kids' afterschool activities to finish.
Teach baby to sit, crawl, talk, walk, eat, laugh, smile, everything.
Wash all 4 kids' hair.
Buy clothes, shoes or a new schoolbag for one of the children.
Etcetera. I'm too tired to even think about all the million other little things I do around the house, for the kids, for baby in particular, for hubby, for friends, and so on. All during the week, so that on weekends, we can relax and spend quality time together as a family.
So ya, that's my day. Hectic, busy, rewarding, wonderful, lively, active, frustrating, exhausting, and so forth. I love it! But I'm done. I honestly can't see where I would've fit a 5th child in. I always wanted 5, but I'm happy that we've done the sterilisation, because I'm at my limit. I don't regret any of my 4, but for me, personally, 4 is my limit. To add a 5th, would've meant cutting down on time spent on the other kids and my hobbies. And I don't think I would've liked that. I'm a bit of a perfectionist. And I find that it's not as easy anymore to be "the perfect mom" with 4 kids. I have to fall in the standard I request of myself, and that frustrates and saddens me. So for me, 4 is enough. I understand that some people would have 8 kids without feeling like I do. Just as I never felt like that after 2 kids, while other people told me how done they are, because it's just so busy and too much, having 2 kids. Every mom has their own limit. I'm so so happy I've reached mine. I would've always felt sad not to have another baby, if I didn't. I also wanted to say with conviction, that I'm done having babies. And now I can. And it makes me so happy. I would've always felt something missing. Now, I'm complete. My family is complete. Life is as busy as I can handle it, and it's lovely. I love every minute of it. I cherish it, because I know how quickly it passes. My oldest is almost a teenager. In little more than 6 years, he'll be leaving home. Way too soon. At least, I have another 18 years left of having at least one at home still. By which time, I'd probably be grateful to grow old in peace and quiet, LOL.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Almost healed!
It's going so well with Boeboe's spider bite. It's almost healed! This photo was taken last night. Approximately 10 days after being bitten, and 7 days of antibiotic treatment. Absolutely amazing, the whole healing process. Isn't the skin and body wonderful?
Boeboe was a real trooper. Sometimes, she's a little crybaby. If she has a papercut, she'd cry and complain like it's the worst thing ever. And then something like this happens where I can imagine how painful it must be. She couldn't sit on that leg, she had to keep the leg stiff at times when walking, because movement caused pain, bathing was painful, putting the ointment on burned, etc. But she never cried or fought me on anything. She allowed me to treat her, she drank her medicine without complaint and even helped to remind me when I almost forgot. I think she was still scared of the whole thing, and knew that she needed the treatments. Anyway, I'm just very very thankful that she's okay. Both me and her daddy has this huge fear of spiders. My biggest one is sac spiders, and of course, that's probably the one that bit her! When she was 2 years old, she once woke up from a nap. She was still sleeping in her cot. I went to her and bent over the railing to pick her up. As I bent, I saw movement in the corner of my eye. When I looked down, there was a yellow sacspider on the inside of the railing, about 3cm from my face. I yelled, jumped back, then darted forward again grabbing my daughter from an angle away from the spider. By which time her daddy came running in. We killed the spider, but I had this awful awful feeling that she's going to be bitten. So it's almost as if I've waited for this day. I'm so very very grateful that it only happened when she was 9, and could tell me, and fight the infection off.
You might think I felt she's going to be bitten because of the huge fright I had at that point. But I don't believe so. One day, I sat on my bed reading to Mr N. He was also something like 2 or 3 at the time. I picked up a pillow that I've thrown off the bed earlier the evening, and put it behind my back. The open end of the pillow case was at the bottom, pressing against the matress. Unbeknownst to me, a yellow sacspider must've climbed into the pillow case. My movements must've disturbed him, because next moment, he came running out right between my leg and Mr N's leg. I screamed my head off, grabbed Mr N and held him as high as I could, all the while trying to get away from the spider myself. Fortunately, he just ran in a straight line away from us. I was able to kill it, and from that day I always check pillows that laid on the floor when I pick them up. Especially on the inside. Anyway, this happened years before the cot-spider incident with Boeboe. But I never had this feeling that Mr N's going to be bitten. And even a month ago, when we found the yellow sac spider in the clean washing, and it dissapeared from my bed, with Peanut's bed pushed right against mine, I never felt like Peanut's going to be bitten. So it's not just a fear of spiders that caused me to feel like Boeboe's going to be bitten. I think somehow I'm really intuned with Boeboe. It started when she was still in my tummy, and I always knew she's not fairing well, but that she WILL live through her birth and whatever happens thereafter. Same with her backoperation. I had this conviction that it MUST be done.
Anyway, that aside. You'd think like we live in the bushveld with the amount of close encounters with spiders we've had! Especially yellow sac spiders. So you can understand why I hate them so much! Though, it really isn't as bad as it sounds. These incidents happened over a 10 year span. But ya, we do live in a country with some crazy bugs, insects, snakes and animals! Like they say, Africa isn't for "sissies"! (Sissies in my hometongue means timid, fearfull, scaredy-cats!). The school where Monkeyman goes to, is on a smallholding. And a few weeks ago, the teacher killed a rinkhals in her house!!!!! And it's NOT the first snake they've found on the smallholding. So yeah, this is Africa for you!
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| 7 Days of 3 types of antibiotic (1 topical and 2 oral) |
You might think I felt she's going to be bitten because of the huge fright I had at that point. But I don't believe so. One day, I sat on my bed reading to Mr N. He was also something like 2 or 3 at the time. I picked up a pillow that I've thrown off the bed earlier the evening, and put it behind my back. The open end of the pillow case was at the bottom, pressing against the matress. Unbeknownst to me, a yellow sacspider must've climbed into the pillow case. My movements must've disturbed him, because next moment, he came running out right between my leg and Mr N's leg. I screamed my head off, grabbed Mr N and held him as high as I could, all the while trying to get away from the spider myself. Fortunately, he just ran in a straight line away from us. I was able to kill it, and from that day I always check pillows that laid on the floor when I pick them up. Especially on the inside. Anyway, this happened years before the cot-spider incident with Boeboe. But I never had this feeling that Mr N's going to be bitten. And even a month ago, when we found the yellow sac spider in the clean washing, and it dissapeared from my bed, with Peanut's bed pushed right against mine, I never felt like Peanut's going to be bitten. So it's not just a fear of spiders that caused me to feel like Boeboe's going to be bitten. I think somehow I'm really intuned with Boeboe. It started when she was still in my tummy, and I always knew she's not fairing well, but that she WILL live through her birth and whatever happens thereafter. Same with her backoperation. I had this conviction that it MUST be done.
Anyway, that aside. You'd think like we live in the bushveld with the amount of close encounters with spiders we've had! Especially yellow sac spiders. So you can understand why I hate them so much! Though, it really isn't as bad as it sounds. These incidents happened over a 10 year span. But ya, we do live in a country with some crazy bugs, insects, snakes and animals! Like they say, Africa isn't for "sissies"! (Sissies in my hometongue means timid, fearfull, scaredy-cats!). The school where Monkeyman goes to, is on a smallholding. And a few weeks ago, the teacher killed a rinkhals in her house!!!!! And it's NOT the first snake they've found on the smallholding. So yeah, this is Africa for you!
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Spider bite!!!! Eeeekkk...
WHY does everything have to happen to Boeboe?! I don't get it. :-( Well, as you can gather from the title, Boeboe has (probably) been bitten by a spider. We're not 100% sure, because we only took her to the dr about 3-4 days after it must've happened! (Mommy of the year award, I know. *embarressed face-palm*) The dr said that if we brought her in immediately, he could've maybe seen the tell-tale teethmarks (2 tiny bites). But by this stage, the evidence has been destroyed by the infection in the wound. He guesses that it was most likely a spider bite, but it could even be another type of insect, or (unlikely) ringworm, or something like a mosquito bite that she scratched and then it got infected by bacteria. Personally, I think it's a spider bite. We're having way too many of them in the house. I kill them when I see them (sorry, I do). I have an extreme fear of spiders. My sister believes it's because as children we've been traumatised by a mother who found them the most beautiful creatures in the world, so not only did she not kill them, but she actively encouraged them to live in the house with us. She called one particular one in her pantry, her little "pet"! So yeah, I fear them like nothing else. I refused to go into that pantry. Anyway, about a month ago I found a big yellow sac spider amongst the clean washing when I folded it. Unfortunately, it fell down right on to my bed (where I was folding the washing) and it dashed off. I tried to find it. We looked for hours (me, husband and the elder kids). Because baby Peanut's bed is pushed right against ours (like one big family bed) so I was terrified that it would bite her in the night. Well, we never found the spider. Boeboe prayed very hard that evening that God must please help Peanut that the spider does not bite her, or mommy and daddy. Then, on Tuesday, a month later, I found it (I think it's the same one) in my bath! Alive, but stuck, unable to get out. I flushed it. But now I wonder, maybe it was hiding in Boeboe's room all this time, and it bit her, then got into our bathroom overnight, and I killed it.
In any case, it must've happened around Monday I think. Tuesday evening, she asked me to look at this little "bump" she has on her upper back leg, because it hurts. I was busy with Peanut, so I had a quick, hurried look. It was raised, reddish, about 5mm in diametre, and had a scab on the top. It almost looked like a scratched mosquito bite. So I told her I think that's what it is. She told me, "but mommy, I never scratched it". So I said, you probably did it in your sleep without knowing about it. She accepted the answer and darted away. I forgot about the incident! Two days later, on Thursday, she told me "Mommy, my skin is falling off"!! I had a look, and this is what I found:
I took her to the dr, at that time of night, and I'm so grateful I did. We got a combination of antibiotics, as well as an ointment to put on. It burns the crap out of her when I put it on, poor thing. The dr says the "rings" (red and white) makes him believe it's a spider bite. The rings apparently grows bigger and going more outward as the infection/poison spread. I heard that spider teeth is full of bacteria, so even if it didn't inject any poison, it could still cause a bad infection. Well, within 1 day of giving antibiotics, the reddish inflammation around the wound is MUCH better, and by 2 days it was gone. This is how it looks now:
Definitely a huge improvement. The poor thing complains that it's still very sore. That middle, yellowish part is very hard, like a crust. I'm wondering if it'll leave a scar. :-( Anyway, what's done is done. I feel awful though, for not having a look on Wednesday how the "mosquito bite" looked. I'm just very grateful that the a/b's seemed to have halt the progress, started to clear the infection, and fascilitated the healing process.
Something else came out during this process. When I saw it, I told her I believe that she might've been bitten by a spider. She was immediately very scared, asking if she's going to die now. (sniff sniff). I told her no, if it would've killed her, she would've been dead already. Because she was bitten at least 3-4 days prior, and she's still fine. So she's going to be just fine. She accepted the answer, but asked what will happen then? I told her most likely we'll need medicine, and in the very, very worst case scenario, they usually operate. She told me "so I'll have 2 operations". I asked why? And she replied that she still needs another back operation. I was astonished, and wanted to know what made her think that? She said the dr said that when she grows bigger, the filum will reconnect/retether, and she'll have to have another operation to cut it. I told her no, she misunderstood the dr. He said in very rare cases, that it is a possibility. But it's so rare, it's not something she should think or worry about. She was very relieved! So I'm kinda grateful this came out. I never knew she was worried about having to go through one of the worst times in her life again. Poor thing!
In any case, it must've happened around Monday I think. Tuesday evening, she asked me to look at this little "bump" she has on her upper back leg, because it hurts. I was busy with Peanut, so I had a quick, hurried look. It was raised, reddish, about 5mm in diametre, and had a scab on the top. It almost looked like a scratched mosquito bite. So I told her I think that's what it is. She told me, "but mommy, I never scratched it". So I said, you probably did it in your sleep without knowing about it. She accepted the answer and darted away. I forgot about the incident! Two days later, on Thursday, she told me "Mommy, my skin is falling off"!! I had a look, and this is what I found:
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| Day 4 - Starting antibiotics and a topical cream |
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| Day 6 - Two days after starting antibiotics |
Something else came out during this process. When I saw it, I told her I believe that she might've been bitten by a spider. She was immediately very scared, asking if she's going to die now. (sniff sniff). I told her no, if it would've killed her, she would've been dead already. Because she was bitten at least 3-4 days prior, and she's still fine. So she's going to be just fine. She accepted the answer, but asked what will happen then? I told her most likely we'll need medicine, and in the very, very worst case scenario, they usually operate. She told me "so I'll have 2 operations". I asked why? And she replied that she still needs another back operation. I was astonished, and wanted to know what made her think that? She said the dr said that when she grows bigger, the filum will reconnect/retether, and she'll have to have another operation to cut it. I told her no, she misunderstood the dr. He said in very rare cases, that it is a possibility. But it's so rare, it's not something she should think or worry about. She was very relieved! So I'm kinda grateful this came out. I never knew she was worried about having to go through one of the worst times in her life again. Poor thing!
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