PART VII: Babytalk

This is only for a very select group of people. Everyone else can just skip over this part onto the next, if they so choose. You won't miss anything of importance. The select group will know who they are, from the title. Though, I will write it as if I'm talking to a wider audience, so as not to exclude anyone that may be curious.

When I became pregnant with my third child, I felt a keen interest in finding like-minded people. So I joined a few pregnancy forums (message boards) which were quite popular those days. One South African one was a small group, about 100 people, thus private and intimate.

The first few years were amazing. Fun, lively and supportive. We grew so close, that we started to have “get-togethers”, where we'd meet up somewhere in real life. Unfortunately, most people tend to go off in different directions throughout their lives, which is why most friendships don't survive too many decades. Our active numbers dwindled. Down to 80, 70, 60.... It became a little bit of a sad place. So I too, started to “wean” myself off of it.

Days would pass where I wouldn't speak up on the forum at all. Then later, it would be that weeks goes by. People noticed I was quiet and asked me about it, because I was one of the moderators and used to be a very prolific daily chatterbox.

During that time, I was dealing with a lot of other things in my life too like extended family problems that I rarely discussed. We were also still in the midst of having three special needs children. With all that that entails. We were asked to make an appointment with a geneticist. So it wasn't nothing, or imaginary, or one or 2 issues. It was complex and multi-disciplinary.

At the same time, we were facing another horrendous process with my son, who was diagnosed with heart disease age 5. Once he was operated successfully for it, they realised more was wrong and we were trying to find the cause for another few years. It ended up being electrical damage to the heart, probably from the initial heart problem. At that point though we were still searching for that answer. Having had a mother that died from heart failure didn't make it any easier on me. So I was quite stressed out.

When someone on the Babytalk group asked me again why I was so quiet, I realised I haven't posted for over a month and I felt very guilty. I was reluctant to reply at first. Because I knew my time there was coming to an end. But I owed the people on there. They were good people. Good friends. I still loved them and understood and valued their care for me. So I thought. For one last time, I'll answer in full detail. All that's happening, the hanging diagnoses over our head and our ongoing search for answers.

It blew up in my face. One person got fed up with our never ending new medical issues cropping up. She made some scathing remarks on Facebook (where I wasn't active).

And a typical cat fight broke out. I didn't know how to fix it. So I apologised, said my goodbyes and tried to move on. But I had some really good, loyal friends still on there, and they blew a fuse because of the unfairness of it all that resulted in me trying to leave. It created a huge, clear divide and caused the whole forum to split up, blew up, and then died. Completely.

I was devastated and felt like I was the cause. It was never, ever my intention. I didn't know how to fix it. I begged, pleaded, apologised, cried, was angry and frustrated, sad and apologetic and pathetic. I tried it all. Nothing helped. No one listened.

They were all done. Some felt betrayed that someone could take knowledge from the closed private forum community and splash it malignantly on an open environment like Facebook. They lost the trust they had discussing private things on the closed forum.

Some of the best friends I had on there created a whatsapp group and invited me. I joined, and this turned out to be such a blessing. For many years after this was perfect. We were a small group of friends. We again had a few get togethers. We loved, lived, cried and laughed together again. Daily. It was perfect. So very very good. It perfectly filled the void I was feeling. I would forever love those on that group, and be grateful for those many years spent together.

During the final throes of the forum though, some things happened, which is the reason I want to add it in here (as part of my testimony).

Many messages were sent to me. Openly, as well as privately. Most of the messages were supportive. Many were not. Some were vicious. Some malicious. Some confused. Some sad. But a few stood out for me, in particular from one person, living in New Zealand at that time. She basically embodied a certain small group's feelings, which is why I remember it. I think she was the “face”, their “spokesperson” for all that felt like her.

They believed, and she thus accused me of having Munchhausen's by Proxy and said I needed urgent psychiatric help before I caused more harm to my children. That's where a mother inflicts deliberate illness or harm on her children and then subject them to unnecessary medications, hospital stays and operations, tests and procedures, because she craves attention from doctors and nurses.

To this day, I struggle to comprehend the accusation.

Very few things ever hurt me more than that did, that day.

Of all the things, they chose THAT to hurt me with. I was barely hanging on by a thread throughout all those difficult years from 2006-2016. As a family, we have a list longer than my arm of the different things we have been diagnosed with during the past 25 years, things like auto-immune diseases, heart defects, autism, tethered cord, epilepsy, hypermobility, etc. It's clear that we're not the typical family, even though we live typical lives.

Then they accused me of that. That all of those diagnoses were basically all “in my head” or worse, “caused by me”. The one thing all special need children's mothers say hurts the most. When people accuse them of that. When the very opposite is true. We hate, really hate that our children have any medical problem and would offer up much to change it.

I hated every operation, every doctor's visit, every test, every procedure. I hated seeing what the side effects of the different medications did to them. After some tests, I stayed with them, watching them whimper in their sleep from the trauma they experienced that day. Silently crying with them and asking why, God? Why these innocent, beautiful, precious babies of mine.

I never enjoyed any second of it. I disliked all of it. Except the positive results my children got from being diagnosed and treated. So to accuse me that I, personally, was the cause of it all, that I chose to do this to my family... I still can't comprehend how little they truly knew or understood me.

Worse even, was the fear that gripped my heart. We all saw movies or tv-shows where authorities were notified of a mother that was suspected of having this, and her children were taken away from her. Usually it turned out that it was a false accusation. But still, fear took hold of my heart. What if one of these people, who seemed to dislike me so much now, phone Childcare? Believing they have the child's best interest at heart. One phone call and I could loose my children. I was dealing with a lot of hardships those days, and they just added one of the worst ones ever onto me. They made the heavy burden I carried, doubled in weight. It took me at least a year to stop fearing them and what they'd do.

The problem wasn't that they noticed I was drowning in stress and worry, or that things were going haywire on my side. But that they diagnosed me, without any true understanding of all the facts, and thus falsely accused me.

I do not and never wished any ill on any of my children. And I never will. Never.

What I discussed in that last ill-fated post on the forum, was confirmed and diagnosed by several specialists since in the following 3 years, and we received the help we needed for it. If anyone would like to see proof of this, we have all the reports that the school requested the doctors and specialists compile. Because yes, some conditions needed school concessions and special treatment for my children. So it's all black on white and signed.

None of my children was thus ever harmed by anything we did. Quite the opposite. It helped. To this day they're grateful for all we've done to help them. The tests, the appointments, the operations, the therapies. It all brought them to a point where they can look back with gratefulness so that they could have a full and fairly normal life today. They only ever expresses profound gratitude. To us, to the doctors, therapists and nurses, and most especially, to God.

So why this post, here, now, and so publicly? As I mentioned, this is part of God's assignment for me, to write my full testimony. The good and the bad, and for some reason, this has to be included. For healing for myself probably, but maybe also to reach others in similar situations.

And to prove that it was all about God's work in our lives. To give Him the honour.

My eldest son was diagnosed with epilepsy at age 5. The type he has is almost always only diagnosed after age 12, by which time it then present much more serious.

My daughter was diagnosed with a physical, congenital defect age 5 (which lead to more diagnoses by age 7). About 1 in a million people are born with this condition.

Our third child was diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension, an extremely rare disease, at guess what...… age 5. This usually lead to death, except in a handful of cases where it is secondary and not primary, of which he was one.

The ages it started for each child was 555. The number for God's mercy, in triple format. Because that's what God showed me. It was all His doing. To show HIS mercy to and through our family, for HIS purposes that will all be revealed later. It was all God.

Guess when I was called through my very first prophetic dream by God?

You guessed it. Age 5.

Coincidence? No. God!

He marked me and my oldest 3 children by the mark of His mercy.

Even though I greatly rejoice in His Plan for my family, which He has since revealed in bits and pieces to all 6 of us through dreams and visions, it also saddens me that I was scorned and maligned for it, and that I lost friends through it.

But even more so, that my friends lost friends and were ostracized for standing by me. I can only pray that God will remember their acts of love and kindness and support. Because His Word declares that what you've done to one of His Children, you've done it to Jesus Christ Himself.

So what about our 4^th child?

Apart from the family Gilbert's disease, GERD and her father's migraines, she's perfectly healthy and normal. Age 5 came and went with absolutely no problems. A normal, happy and extremely healthy little girl that has never even seen a GP in her whole life so far. I don't think my GP of almost 30 years even remember I have a fourth child, as he only ever see the eldest 3.

Almost as if God completed the process after 3 cycles. 5 and 5 and 5. Triple mercy and then poured that mercy out on the youngest to confirm His Plan. For our family, and our destiny.

So I let it go. The hurt, the pain, the false accusation that almost cost me my son, because I wanted to stop looking for answers after their accusations. Only by the Grace of God and the encouragement of my husband, did I go on and we found the answers my son still needed, as to what was ailing him.

It's done now. Water under the bridge. I've forgiven all. I don't wish harm on anyone. Quite the opposite. I hope they all lived peaceful and happy lives, and will continue to do so. That God will bless them and their children with health, love and safety through the times coming soon onto this world.

To all of the people who shared my life on and through Babytalk:

I want to thank you. I have and always will cherish those years in my heart. I still miss you guys in some corner of my heart. Because you were all special. Brought together by a Higher Hand. Thank you for the support and love you showed me and my children.

And especially for being part of my journey with Boeboe, and carrying me through the struggle to get a diagnosis, and through her operation. For the gifts you sent her and even to my other children as well. To this day it is precious, golden memories for all of us. I can never, ever thank you all enough for the love and care and support showed. I will always love each and every one of you and remember the GOOD that came from it all.

A special thank you for those that shared life with me on the whatsapp Babytalk group afterwards. It was incredibly special years. I sometimes miss you guys so much that my heart physically aches, and I hope you will all one day understand why I had to leave when I did. It was what was required of me at that point, for my journey with God for the times to come. I love you all.

May God bless each one of you and yours abundantly. May His Light shine brightly on you, and may His love and peace always surround you and your loved ones.

Continuing here...